Can I help DS be a better loser?

[mckenzie]

I have just been to a school sports day and Ds was not on the winning team. OUt of over 200 children he was the only one in tears because his team didn't win. This is not unusual - he always get upset when he loses be it at penalty shoot out with DH or playing Tummy Ache with DS!
Can i help him to be a better loser somehow or should I just leave him to work through it himself?

TIA

It's a tough one - I have this with DS3 who has had spectacular tantrums over losing at Monopoly etc. I think it's just a question of maturity - and some people are never good losers, even as adults; the difference is that they learn to hide their feelings about it.

My tactic with DS3 is to acknowledge that it's not nice to lose and that his feelings are valid, while having zero tolerance of the bad behaviour that comes from losing. I have stressed all the "it's about taking part, having fun and seeing others enjoy themselves" stuf until I'm blue in the face but DS3 isn't having any of it - he's there to win, and that's the end of it as far as he's concerned. It's something I'm waiting for him to grow out of .

An alternative tack is do you want him to grow out of it? Many of the most successful people (in business, in sport, in politics) are appallingly bad losers and the fact that they hate losing makes them incredibly strong competitors. Whilst it's "nice" to be a good loser, arguably being a bad loser stands you in far better stead for later life!

I am watching this closely - same problem with DS (7) Though DD who did have spectacular tantrums when she lost when she was little, hides it much better now! (nearly 9)

thanks for the reply Hassled. I do the same with DS, told him he'd tried his hardest and supported his team really well and he can't win everything etc etc but he just sobbed and sobbed. Even all the other children looking at him like he was an alien didn't hlelp. I'm sure it is maturity like you say (he's nearly 7 but not very streetwise or mature in lots of ways although quite bright in other ways).

I thought maybe that was a valid point cestlavie but I can't help thinking that the tears etc is all a bit of wasted energy. Perhpas as he gets older he will still hate losing but as Hassled said, he'll have better ways of dealing with it in which case it might be a positive. I've recently been learning at college about negative and positive stress and I guess I can equate being bad at losing to the same theory.
At the moment DS is losing badly in a negative way but perhaps when he is more mature it will be positive because if he loses he will try harder next time/learn more etc
Thanks for the replies.

Reading this with interest, are any of these lo the eldest child, both my dc 1st children are fine with not coming first at everything, but the younger ones struggle with losing any game.

My 6 year old ds is the same - hates losing. Am dreading his sports day this year as last year his team won and he was overjoyed! This year he might not be so lucky...

He will grow out of the worst of it. My son is eleven now and more philosophical about losing.

BUTit's worth adding that there's nothing wrong with wanting to be the winner! My children always want to win VERY MUCH. But they are learning to be more graceful when it doesn't happen. Goodand hard--lesson in life.

my DS is the eldest jumpingbeans but I would say that, so far at least, DD is a much better loser.
I doi agree with you bridie3 that a level of being a bad loser is not necessarily a bad thing but seeing DS having his tears at the sports day today, the only one in so many children made me think that this can't be right can it?

Mckenzie, my 7yo is streetwise and full of the chat (quite entertaining when he's not being rude to me!!!), but DH is Mr competitive - apparently John McEnroe had nothing on him when he was a teenage sports jock! He hides it better now he's a veteran