how to help possessive shrieking toddler without shrieking back

[kingfix]

I guess this gets done a lot but I can't find it at the mo. DD 21 months has become insanely possessive of toys and people, clutches all the toys she can possibly manage to her chest and screams blue murder if another child touches them or me or her dad or her key worker at nursery. This is very trying. I suppose (hope?) it's just a phase but is there anything I can do to help things along? We try to explain nicely that everyone needs to takes turn and do and and sometimes she'll tearfully hand a toy over but mostly she just howls. I am v close to howling myself: is there a better way?

Not sure there's an answer, my ds1 is a bit possessive of his toys too. He's more than happy to take other kids toys but won't share what he's got. At this age I think he's a bit young to understand the principle of sharing, but I'm trying to just show him at home by over emphasising things and creating examples of sharing things with daddy. No joy yet but I live in hope. Sorry I can't be of any help but rest assured you're not alone. The staff at her nursery will have seen this all before a hundred times so don't feel bad, it sounds like you're doing the right thing by explaining to her, just keep it up. Good luck.

no she is too young at moment to understand about sharing

and it is a phase

pre school and nursery are used to such behaviour lots of children run in grab a toy and hold it hostage all day lol

dont make a big thing of it and it will pass amybe try and limilt the toys for her to hold onto

or play along side her at home with dh and share a toy between you make it a game and see if she wants to join in and give lots of praise

the understanding of sharing doesnt come in untill over 2 so patience and understanding needed all children do it

give her a choice of 2 toys and tell her rest need to be shared hold her hand and say you can have 2 which 2 ould you like and we will share the rest and see if a comprimise will work the count the toy thats one thats 2 al done well done if you want another 1 we have to put 1 back and pick another and just help maybe start it at home and continue in nursery environment

It is hard but it's logical to a toddler if you think about it. People want their things, they can shout and say no and they will, loudly.

You could make a big thing about sharing in other areas, to show by example, here, have a bit of mummy's biscuit, lets share. You have these bricks and I'll have these ones, we'll share them etc.

They do usually get the idea in the end, especially when they realise that people will play with them more if they do. Right now, keeping other people happy and having friends is not a priority for her but it will be eventually.

Also, everybody expects this behaviour from that age group so it's not embarrassing, it's just one of those things.

It's very much the norm to be possessive at this age, and I agree with the points about limiting toys etc. We were VERY lucky with DD1, as she very rarely fought over toys - and we didn't really know why until she went to nursery. The staff said she had a really good understanding of time, and 'later'. (I'm not really explaining very well, sorry!) What they really mean is that small children live 'in the moment', only NOW matters, and if something goes, it's gone FOREVER! (Yes, I know it sounds mad!). We had always spoken about 'later' to DD1,- as in 'I'll be back later' or 'we can't do that now, so we'll do it later', (and always kept our word). So when we said, 'let xxx play with that, you will have it later' she did cotton on quickly, and knew that she would not be losing her stuff. Sorry about the ramble! So sum up: explain constantly that her things are HERS, and will not be leaving the house, try and work on the 'later' concept, and keep smiling!

Ahh thanks, I pop out for the morning and come back to lots of lovely replies, thank you. She's usually happy to 'share' with an adult (because she knows she'll get it back?) but not with other children. We'll persist and have a go at 'later' though deferred gratification is very much not her strong point.

I might actually try it the other way around. Pass her lots of toys if she wants toys. As many as she can hold. Make it a game. Balance one on her head. Make it so there are so many toys floating around that there is room for someone else to use one without her even noticing.

Having doubles of favourites can be a good ploy - not expensive things, just soft toys or cars or whatever ("there's one for you to play with and one for Freddie.")

Suggest that visitors bring toys with them, to act as collateral, or as things for them to play with if she'd prefer not to share hers.

Make sure that her favourite toys are put carefully out of sight when people are visiting - of course she can ask for them if she wants them, but it means the visitors don't even know those toys exist and avoids the conflict.

Make activities for visiting children which don't involve sharing against anyone's will. Bubbles. Paddling pool. Lots of balloons to blow up and bat around. A mattress or cushions to jump on.

Remember - the toys at your house are her toys. You don't lend books unless you feel like lending them. She shouldn't have to lend her toys. I think respecting our children's property is an important starting point, personally.

It will pass, but it is so so so much easier to talk about lending and the concept of X playing with a toy and then they'll give it back and in general the concept of ownership when her language is more developed - around 2.5 or 3 I guess. I'd be finding ways of managing things as they are at her developmental stage just now rather than trying to get sharing to be ok (it's like this magic word isn't it? the adults say "share share share" and the children hear "give away your toys, give away your toys". They just don't understand it as an ok thing at this age. We have to wait for them to be ready)

Onward, I agree with you basically about sharing. I'm sure it doesn't work well until they enjoy playing with other children rather than alongside. Thanks for all your ideas, hope we get more days like today where we can just play outside.

Onward, I think dc's should begin to learn about sharing as soon as it becomes an issue. There's nothing worse than going to someone's house where their dcs are not expected to share (although I like the suggestion of activities that don't require sharing).

We have always had the policy that whoever had the toy first can play with it first, you don't take it from another child, then another child can have a turn after a few minutes. We use sentences like 'x can play with it first, then, in a minute, it will be your turn'. We give lots of praise when the toy is handed over to another child and re-iterate 'you can have a turn in a minute'.

I do also put away precious toys to try to save some arguments.

I'd like to say it is a phase but we still have conversations about sharing issues with my 6yr old ds!

Oh I think one should be sharing (heh) ideas about sharing once it's an issue too, and I also advocate taking the starting point that the person playing with a toy gets to play with it till finished, and with just about exactly the dialogue you mention.

But with the bottom line that the person who owns the toys gets right of veto (so in the same way, in someone else's house, "I'm so sorry, but it's not ours, and she/he wants it back now" has to be a possible part of the conversation too)

And with the bottom line that a child won't be forced to share until they are cool with the concept.