Desperately need help

[unicornglittersprinkles]

I’m posting whilst sat in tears, feeling like I’ve utterly failed as a parent to 5.5 year old DD3. This is after yet another episode of her screaming at me on the way home from school, whilst attempting to punch me, all because I asked her to carry her own bag. When I say screaming, I mean full on, top of her lungs, no words, just scream after scream.

Yesterday her teacher called me aside at pick up to tell me she’d been stamping her feet at her and growling at her too and had got into arguments with other kids, including kicking one other child.

When she’s lovely, she’s adorable, confident, funny and loving but a switch flicks and she becomes an absolute demon.

Aside from the anger issues, she’s over familiar with other adults, disruptive/attention seeking in swimming/ballet lessons, still regularly soils herself, gets distracted easily halfway through simple tasks like dressing herself, talks at only one volume - loud, is impulsive, has to touch everything.

School had the SENDCO in to observe but only for one day and typically it was a good day. Where do I go from here? I have two other DCs and this is now impacting them as any days out we have end up completely ruined. Is there anywhere I can go for help?

If the Teacher has pulled you aside, what did the Teacher suggest? Are they doing anything like Zones of Regulation with her?

Has anyone suggested getting a EHC Needs Assessment?

If she’s growling and stamping her feet, it could be that there is some sort of speech delay? Delays aren’t always obvious. I would do progress checker and see if it says that she needs some support. Let us know if it does

As for her soiling herself, if you have other DC you’re probably aware that it’s unusual for a 5.5 yo to be doing this.

Does she have any allergies like CMPA? Maybe constipation? The ERIC website is really good if constipation could be a cause.

And you haven’t failed her, you’ve come on here to ask for help and that shows that you’re looking out for her and you want things to improve.

I think I would fill in the 5 year Social & Emotional Ages & Stages and score it, then call the School Nurse service and discuss everything that’s been going on wirh them and of course, the results of the assessment.

In the meantime, have a read of 10 days to a less defiant child

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply @SleafordSods , I really appreciate it.

Teacher hasn’t really suggested anything other than getting another observation by the SENCO. Problem with this is that she’d just come in for one day so there’s a chance it’s a ‘good’ day - today she was fine in school but had a meltdown on the way home. Her teacher last year suggested an EHC assessment in the future but wanted to wait as apparently she’s too young to have any formal diagnosis until at least 6.

Her speech is great, I’d probably go so far as to say it’s advanced for her age in terms of the vocabulary she uses but I did the checker and interestingly it said ‘From your answers, it may be that your child needs more support with attention and listening, social communication.’ which certainly matches our experiences.

With the soiling, yes I’m aware it’s not developmentally normal and we’ve already chatted to ERIC and have recently had an appointment with paediatric continence. However, they’re going down the constipation route which, given we’ve done a disimpaction and now have her on laxido with no real improvement, I’m inclined to think its linked to behaviour instead I.e. she doesn’t pay attention to her bodies signals until it’s too late.

I also filled out the 5 year stages assessment you linked and she scored 105 so over the cutoff for a referral.

Certainly seems like there’s more going on here that we need help with but knowing how to get that help is a real challenge.

EHCPs are based on needs, not diagnosis. Request an EHCNA yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

In the meantime, request another meeting with the SENCO. The school must make their best endeavours to meet DD’s SEN and they must make reasonable adjustments. Diagnosis or not. What support are they providing? What have they tried already that hasn’t worked? What you are experiencing after school is called the coke bottle effect. It signifies unmet needs at school. If school life was easier, home life would improve too.

I would speak to the school and/or GP about a referral for further assessment. ADHD mostly isn’t diagnosed until 6, but it sounds like DD needs a wider overview than ‘just’ ADHD and where appropriate there are other diagnoses can be given before 6.

Not all ICBs commission sensory OT on the NHS, but if your area does it is worth a referral.

Some people find the books The Explosive Child and the Out of Sync Child helpful.

For your older DC, have a look at your local young carers service and Sibs.

I hate to even mention the idea, but you should know that some of these behaviors are consistent with CSA (I work with traumatized children in residential treatment, so I may have overactive alarm bells. However, better to mention than for these things to go unnoticed).

Children soiling themselves late in development can be a protective reaction to attempt to discourage abuse, or due to fear of the bathroom, where abuse often occurs. Children can become highly reactive and aggressive, dysregulated, and inappropriately lash out. It's also common for them to develop abnormal attachment with unfamiliar adults and to lack appropriate boundaries in response to CSA.

Of course, these behaviors can also be explained by a behavioral or developmental problem and may have nothing to do with abuse. However, you are her parent and you clearly are doing all you can to protect her, so I thought it was worth letting you know that this may be another avenue to investigate. Trauma could be causing her to act out.

I have no concerns over any abuse. May sound flippant but I’m pretty confident on this due to the limited time she spends out of our (mine and DHs care), really only school. Appreciate you raising it though.

After half an hour on the phone to school this evening, they have agreed for a meeting between myself, DH, the school SENCO and DDs teacher to discuss how we can better support her. Suspect it may be a long road ahead but feels like a step in the right direction at least.

That’s good news @unicornglittersprinkles. Have you had the meeting yet?

@SleafordSods no meeting yet. The teacher has asked to delay until after the SENCO has done a few more observations. I’ll be chasing if I don’t hear anything in a couple of weeks though. They have agreed she can use the ‘calm room’ at intervals throughout the day with immediate effect. It’s just a space she can go to for a break if they see her starting to get overwhelmed.