Struggling with 7 year old temperament (and mine!)

[Elaina87]

I have 7 year old and 2 year old daughters. My 7 year old has a very short fuse. She is extremely stubborn and resistant to anything we ask of her, and will push back constantly with absolutely everything. I try and remain calm and usually ask numerous times calmly however it always escalates and I end up shouting. Our once very close relationship is becoming more and more strained with more and more shouting and screaming. I hate it. I had a very shouty/screamy relationship with ny own mum growing up. I love her and appreciate her, but we just didn't get along and still don't at times. I really didn't want this with my own kids and I feel like it's only going to get worse as she goes into the tween/teen years. Recently my own temper and patience have definitely got shorter. I'm always stressed which doesn't thelp and have lot going on, but I really struggle with how tightly wound my daughter is and how things always escalate. Simple tasks always become a fight with her, she doesn't want to do anything she needs to do. Has anyone got any advice? I know I need to work on myself and demonstrate a calmer reactions. I know that she willis probably getting a lot of this from me. I need to break this cycle.

Well it sounds as though you know what you have to do @Elaina87

What have you tried so far? Meditation helps me, there is a guided meditation app called Insight Timer which has a free option. Do you do anything away from the DC and have time for friends and exercise? Yoga helps me even if I just do a short session from YouTube.

One thing I realised with my DD was that I was frowning when she was around. Once I realised I made sure that I smiled every time I saw her like I thought it was wonderful to see her and guess what, she started relaxing around me which made me relax as well. Now I smile becauae I am genuinely happy to see her.

How is she at school? Does she have any friendship issues there? Does she reach her potential? And have the school every mentioned any concerns?

Can you 'externalise' some the instructions for things she needs to do, so a checklist of the morning routine or Alexa saying 'time to put coats and shoes on'? For some children, removing the 'Mum says' element makes a difference, it's less personal. And then you can refer back to 'what does the checklist say?' – and it's hard to argue with a checklist, they just keep repeating the next step on the list.

For some things, can you go for natural consequences? If she's not ready for a club, then she's late or doesn't go? Reminder her, support her if she wants help, even sympathise if she's unhappy about being late – but don't make her get ready or go.

Where possible, can you engage 'problem-solving mode' with her to find a way to get stuff done, and be genuinely willing to incorporate what she wants if you can? My eldest is slightly younger, and sometimes this works brilliantly, and sometimes something's become enough of a flashpoint that we can talk about a different way to do things when things are calm...and then it doesn't quite go that way. I think the knowledge that I'm working with her on it still matters, though, and she sees that we come back and try again, or look for a different approach.