How much do you protect your children?

[Pyjamatimenow]

Probably a strange title for what I’m asking but couldn’t think of any other.
I really struggle when my children are slighted in any way and I feel like I’m always trying to shield them or make up for things. If they’re not invited to parties, I’ll try and hide it from them. If they don’t win at something or get chosen for something I often will try and hide it or distract from it in some way. I understand about resilience etc but I guess I feel like a lot of it I can’t control so I try and minimise where possible. I had a very traumatic childhood and suffer from severe anxiety myself so not sure if that’s impacting but was just wondering if this is normal mothering instinct or me being OTT?

For me, significantly OTT.

Normal range of not invited to parties, I acknowledge the disappointment, but then note than not everyone can be invited to everything, and try to move the conversation on. If they'd been excluded by someone they thought was a close friend, then we'd have more of a conversation and I'd quite possibly make sure we were busy on the day.

If they don't win at something, well, mine are still fairly young, so at home we would potentially 'play out' the board game so everyone finished (but only one person wins), or play a cooperative game next so we all win or lose together. Something to take the edge off a bit, whilst still helping them learn than sometimes they'll win, sometimes they won't. Not winning/chosen at school or clubs, I'll sympathise with them, potentially encourage some relevant practice/extra effort, potentially remind them that they recently won/their turn will come, depending on what's appropriate. And then move the conversation on.

The world will expect them to be able to handle things like this – surely it's kinder to gently help them start developing the skills to do so when the situation comes up.

As PP said, by shielding them from all possible little disappointments, you're leaving them wide open for the big disappointments.

I guess your anxiety anticipates a much worse reaction from them than is actually likely? I had a spell of acute anxiety (medicated), and if things go wrong for my son, I can momentarily spiral back that way, but he just copes with things so well.

You need to give them practice at fixing bad feelings.

I suppose I think there’s plenty I can’t control like when they’re at school so I try to minimise where possible. When things do come up like that I do try and coach them to help build some resilience. I just find myself getting stressed about it a lot. My youngest is having a lot of tantrums and I find I’m bracing myself at the end of extra curricular activities or the end of school in case something’s been given out/ awarded because she gets so upset.

Ill empathise, but what can you really do anyway!?

Having said that were lucky that at the moment all kids are invited to parties. Though I remember a situation where some parents and kids all left the park when he arrived. He just cried. He didnt believe their excuses. I think actually one of the parents was deliberately excluding me as opposed to my child. So I said to him those kids are your friends but some parents are busy and they dont always think. So I suppose I shielded him in a way.

I will say though our kids are not us, they wont have our problems, sometimes they can work it out for themselves better than we can.

It's OTT, however I very much empathise, as I come from a background of trauma/child abuse.
I think, being AuDHD, I can be too black and white in my thinking and perceive slights where there are none (on behalf of my children).
I don't try to hide things from them, though, and am only over-protective/fierce in my thinking, iyswim.
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