Embarrassed by ds

[Holly02]

Just want to vent about the horrible morning I had with my ds (2 1/2 yrs). A couple of other women from my playgroup asked if I wanted to go with them and their toddlers to a local swimming pool complex (it's summer here). The complex is outdoors and has a small, shallow pool for little kids, a bigger pool with water slides etc, and then a big pool for adults. Anyway I met them there and all was fine for about half an hour, then ds proceeded to run from one pool to the other, and a couple of times I found him trying to follow a group of teenagers down a big waterslide. I kept trying to 'round him up' and told him endless times to stay with me at the little pool, but within minutes he was gone again. I barely got time to talk to the other women and a couple of times they said things like "Are all boys this bad?" (they both have girls) and "He seems like hard work". I was starting to feel really angry with ds and wishing that he would just sit there like the other two kids. I finally decided to leave when ds found a toy in the pool (belonging to another child) and when he started playing with it, the other child came and took it from him and he proceeded to have a tantrum in the pool. I just went and grabbed him and told the other two women that I was going (while trying to hold on to a crying, wriggling toddler) and I felt so embarrassed about his behaviour. Nine out of ten times I don't have much trouble with him, but after this morning, I don't think they'll ever invite us out again. One of the women is pregnant and she's hoping it's a girl, from the look on her face this morning I think ds has made her frightened of having a son.

I feel as though I'm the only one who has a child like this and I feel really apprehensive about having any similar experiences in the future. While he's good natured, he's also active and almost fearless, and doesn't listen to anything I say when he wants to do something. Is it just me? I never seem to see other kids doing the same thing.

Isn't there a saying at every person has a twin sowewhere in the world? Well I think after reading about your DS I've found my DS's twin. My DS is 3 although he is sometimes more like a teenager. At any meeting with other perents he's nearly always the one who plays up first and I'm always the one who tells their child off first and incidently leaves first because of his behaviour. I went through a stage where I wouldn't visit anyone's house or get myself in to any 'public' situations as I simply couldn't bare his behaviour. Before I had children I was always one of those people who said 'can't they control that child' when the child is running rings around the parents and then my firstborn was exactly like the children I'd bitched about, I like to think I'm a good mum so I haven't encouraged this horrible behaviour.
Now on a more posititve note, he does behave better now and the situations were he's really bad are getting further apart so all I can say is sit tight, don't start compromising on the rules you want your DS to grow up by which I realise at 2.5 can't be that striked but stick to the rules you've made and he will pick up on them and life will became easier....I'm told!

holly02, no time but no, you're not the only one, not at all. Totally normal from the sounds of it but very annoying at the time, I agree! May write more later if I can.

You're not alone and it's not just boys! I've seen girls behave in exactly the same way and also seen boys behaving beautifully.

No you're certainly not alone. Although my son doesn't have tantrums as such I have sometimes been acutely embarassed by his behaviour and rudeness. However, I don't worry about it too much in relation to other parents of young children. I take the view that it is very rare indeed for a child to get to 4 or so without ever having behaved in a completely unreasonable and anti social way on at least one occassion.

Holly02, my ds was the same at 2.5yrs and it does get better. I know what you mean about it being worse when they tantrum in front of other parents especially if said parents remark on it. I don't know if I think boys are harder but I have some friends who think so. One has 3 older girls and one 3yo boy and says that if she'd have had him first there wouldn't have been any others! But hey, that's just a friend's opinion and it doesn't go down very well with mothers of girls. Girls can be difficult too, definitely. With your friends' girls you just didn't see it.

It's understandable that your ds wanted to explore, it sounds like an exciting place and at that age they have a job understanding "you can't have that because it's not yours" don't they? From what I remember at this age it is rare to get uninterrupted time for a conversation so don't feel bad about that. You did the right thing leaving when it got out of hand and as you say, 9 times out of 10 he's well behaved so congratulations on that. It does get much much better as they get older - remind yourself that this stage will pass.

I think your friends were quite rude, actually. And it hardly made it easier for you, did it, them commenting like that. I'd be very cross if someone called my son 'bad', particularly in front of him. A two year old is quite capable of understanding. Personally, I think they should be embarrassed. He's only two, happy, lively, bold, adventurous and brave. What's their excuse? They sound horribly smug to me! I wouldn't be surprised if your ds was picking up on how anxious, selfconscious and tense they were making you feel which can't have helped the situation - as you say, his behaviour was out of character. I NEVER say anything critical to my friends about their children, either within their kid's hearing or not (which isn't to say I don't think those things quite often!). It seems just as rude to me as saying something like, 'your hair looks a mess' or 'your house is ugly'!

Holly I wouldnt worry. No child is perfect and I am sure there are times that their children have had similar tantrums and embarrased them.

Holly02 - as mother of equally inquisitive, stubborn, brilliant, beautiful boy of 2 and 3/4 sounds like you have a perfectly normal one to me!! Just console yourself with the fact that, while they are supposed to be more hard work than girls at this age, apparently teenage boys are walk in the park compared with the average 14 year old girl!!

Willow2 - I agree, my ds has always been loud, boisterous, inquisitive, bold, stubborn and alot of fun. As a toddler he always seemed to be the one who would shout loudest, climb highest, knock over the most kids and generally caused chaos wherever he went, however, we have always had a great laugh with him as he is alot of fun - now, at 9, he is independent, mature, very capable young man, he is still very active which has been geared into various sports - he always seemed to get very exciteable when mixing with friends or going to new exciting places - I suppose your visit to the pool was a mixture of both of these thing - he was probably so excited that he ended up getting too carried away - this combined with you being more aware of his behaviour must have made it very difficult. Could you take him back to this pool complex on your own a few times - sounds like an excellent place for him to run off some energy - maybe take some water toys with him so he could play which may encourage him to stay in one area. Enjoy him - he sounds great fun to me!!

Holly02 - Sounds normal to me. My ds is nearly 18 months, and already acts like that! I have to run to catch up with him when he crawls off (nearly walking thank God! ), as he would do some damage somewhere otherwise!

Sounds like he is a bright boy, and what was wrong with the other two kids if they were happy to sit there doing nothing in such an exciting place??? I agree about the mums too, VERY rude. The mums at my M & T group are the opposite. When I apologise for something ds has done, they always say 'Oh don't worry, they all do it", which is TRUE.

I agree with the comments here - half the fun of socialising with other parents is that you feel you can relax a bit and know that they've all been there too! Doesn't sound like your son's behaviour was particularly terrible at all. Some people are just funny too - my son was squealing loudly in the shopping centre this morning (out of happiness not annoyance ... well, that came later) - he was perfectly behaved otherwise, holding my hand nicely and not running about, but I still earned some glares! Sod 'em...

Well I agree with all that's been said, when we go swimming with my 2 girls they do exactly what your boy did. I cannot go unless I go with my DH or someone else as both of them (3 3/4 and 1 3/4) spend the whole time going from pool to pool. We just end up following them around. When they were little and we went to parent and toddler swimming some mums manged to sit and gossip and keep half an eye on their kids, I never could, they would do one slide for a minute, then another etc etc.

I think both they and you expected too much from your little boy, in other situatios he would have behaved differently. Yes girls and boys are different but so are two girls.

PS kids are only there to embarass you, I have just managed to get through one toddler tantrum, when the other has begun!!

Are you sure that's not my DS1 you've got over there? He was and is just the same now. His favourite party trick at the pool is leaping out the children's pool, running and throwing himself in the big pool, way out of his depth. Lifeguards at the pool have commented on his confidence in the water and I think if you were to go back to the pool in a few years with these friends and their children I think you may see the tables turned, your DS will be so confident in the water and having a great time while their children who seem no bother now may need much more supervision (obviously all young children do need supervision in the water).

Thank you all for your comments, I found them very encouraging. Demented, you're right about his confidence in the water - we have a pool at home so ds gets to go swimming quite often. I always put armbands (floaties) on him when he goes in the pool, but he has basically learnt to swim and to put his head under the water, etc etc. So I guess he was much more confident than the other two.

Jaybee my ds also sounds like yours - very inquisitive (and determined sometimes) but he has a happy nature and we do get a lot of laughs out of him too. He just has to know how everything works and spends a lot of time 'investigating'. I guess some kids just have this zest for life and it can be quite tiring/irritating for their poor old parents!

I have these visions of him in the future sometimes, running amok in his classroom and disrupting all the other kids who are trying to do their work, not to mention giving the teacher a few more gray hairs... or on the other hand, maybe if I'm really lucky he'll be a model student.. who knows .

Just an afterthought too - I don't think I'll be too worred if I don't see much of these two women quite frankly. They are quite nice but both of them seem horrified at the prospect of ever having a boy. When I'm with them I feel as though boys are second best, and they've both told me that they only want girls. So hey, I may as well stick to friends that have little boys, or who at least aren't so one-sided in their views!!

Let's just hope that they have boys so they can see what fun they can be.

Holly, uncanny you could have been writing about my boys. I second jaybee's message.

PS another thought to console yourself - as a mother of an active boy, (I know girls can be active too, so this applies equally) just think how much exercise he is giving you. It's like having a personal trainer and you don't even have to pay him!

PPS I have a similar leisure centre incident to write about, but need to start a new thread on it when I have more time.

Holly02
I might have been tempted to say something really bitchy like - "well my husband really wanted a boy - most men want a son, don't they?"

Not very pc - but in my husband's case true! I have 2 boys, but I'm sure he would have loved a girl if we'd had one

Hi I'm new to mumsnet and I can see that many of you are in similar boats to mine. I have a 4 year old boy and an older girl. He is 'hard to handle' (if that is what you call it ) half of the time and an angel the rest of the time. I spent yesterday morning apologising to my language teacher as we spent one a a half hours doing very little work as he shouted insults, kicked doors, threw things into the room, demanded my personal attention every 2 minutes and generally did everything to embarass me. He only does this when I am around but never when just the two of us are alone. I had spent a long time earlier in the morning explaining to both my children that I had a class and we would do fun things afterwards but they had to behave. My housekeeper was there to look after the kids and play with them but he kept screaming at her and running off.

My daughter , as is usual for her, was quietly reading although he kept trying to bother her too.

It is summer here and the kids have 2 months holidays - I need Strength!!

Chica - sounds likes he knows just the right times to chose to misbehave!! Could you ask your housekeeper to take him out for a walk or to the park while you have your lesson - sounds as though your dd would be ok without her.

It is reassuring to hear that other mums have similar experiences. My ds is 21 months and I could describe almost exactly the same swimming pool nightmare as you experienced. I'm 34 weeks pregnant too so we have decided to give any testing locations a miss as I physically cant handle him. He can be a real angel though and is a brilliant sleeper. He is just obsessive about things like light switches, the door bell and doing things that the other children around him are oblivious to. Most of my baby chums have girls and they all seem to behave perfexctly and they dont even have staitr gates or fire guards as their perfect children dont need them. Needless to say I am always the first to leave the gatherings once I've wrestled ds off their stairs! Wouldn't change him though - he is fab and I'm glad he has a strong personality. Cant help wondering if number 2 will be a bit more placid though - whatever the sex!??

your kid sounds perfectly normal to me! He's only 2 1/2 - what do you expect?

Hughsie - my ds is obsessed with light switches and doorbells too! Everywhere we go he notices them and wants to switch the lights on, or ring the door bell. Sign of intelligence do you think? Or could they just have been electricians in another life

Oh yes switches!!! Arrrrgh!!! Thankfully DS1, 4, has calmed down a bit now with these only I have seen DS2, 7 months, stretching out for switches on things already, may just book myself into the loony bin now!