Six-year-old with challenging behaviour - not sure what to do

[Nightmanagerfan]

I wonder if anyone has experienced similar, or has any advice. I have two DS, 3 and 6 1/2. The older one has always been more sensitive and has often flown off the handle or had tantrums, but over the school holidays it has ramped up and got a lot worse.

He seems to go from 0 to 100 in one second, so there's no warning that he is about to lose it. E.g. DH forgets the rule in a game and asks for clarification; his brother asks if he can have his choice on the TV; we ask him to come to sit at the table to eat (always with the caveat you don't have to eat if you don't want to). He will shout, and then immediately hit either us or his brother, throw whatever is in sight at us, and then spit. The spitting is awful - we both can't stand it and no amount of telling him off has made any difference.

We have tried letting him calm down (he often follows us so this doesn't work); putting him in a separate room (he will destroy the room); sitting calmly and saying 'I'm here when you need me' etc - he just carries on attacking us.

When we talk to him after he's calm, he just says he does this 'because I'm angry'. We have tried to give him other strategies to use, but he can't seem to access them when he sees red.

There are consequences to hitting etc, e.g. no TV, but these don't seem to work in the moment. It's as if he can't access anything other than the anger.

Over the holidays he's either been on holiday with us, or at home with me or DH, so no clubs or anything. Lack of routine might not be helping. He has always been a model child at school - glowing report etc. He has had these meltdowns twice now in front of friends when we have either been at home or away on holiday, which has never happened before.

My DH has recently been diagnosed with inattentive ADHD, so I am wondering if this could be an issue for DS too. Any advice?

I would definitely seek professional help as it does sound like your suspicion around possible neurodivergence might be key to the meltdowns. We had the same issues with flying off the handle and my DS was later diagnosed ASD. It helps to know that there is a reason for the behaviour as we were blaming ourselves as parents. Not sure what to suggest in the meantime but it sounds like you’re doing everything the right way. Good luck and let me know if you get any answers.

Thanks so much for your reply. So interesting to hear about your DS and the diagnosis. Were there other signs?

We are coming round to thinking we need professional help as it's so draining and exhausting. He can be absolutely fine e.g. at school and in situations that he is enjoying. It feels like he can't deal with things not going his way, or when he is asked to do something he doesn't want to do.

I am going to speak to his new teacher at the start of term and see what can be done.