First 'tantrum' @ 12 mths - did I do the right thing ?

[Cathy1]

My dd is 12 months and last night was my first experience of what I think was a tantrum ! We had filled the bath and I brought her into her room to get undressed. She was happy. She found a wet wipe on the floor and started 'wiping' the floor with it which is something she enjoys doing.
After a couple of mins I lifted her up to get undressed and she threw a huge fit, screaming, wriggling, red face, really upset. I knew it was because she wanted to keep wiping the floor. She isn't ever like this if we lift her up when she's playing with toys etc. So I put her on the changing table and showed her how to 'wipe' that too....a few mins later she calmed and got busy cleaning the table! I undressed her while she was doing this. When I lifted her into the bathroom she screamed blue murder again and was so upset the whole way through the bath (which she usually loves)despite showing her all her fav bath toys. I didn't know what to do for the best really.
I kept on going and washing her, trying to ignore the 'tantrum'. She continued the crying and screaming right through the bath, drying and dressing and only really calmed when we went downstairs for her bottle (where she had a quick 'wipe' of the kitchen floor as I was warming it !). Basically I want to
know what others would have done in this kind of situation ? Would you have skipped the bath and let her do what she wants to do ? I felt that would be 'giving in'. I didn't get cross but kept calm but wasn't sure if I should just leave her alone to get over it or to continue on as normal with what I was doing with her (which is what I did despite her screams).
And, she is only just gone 1 so is obviously too young to really know what she is doing which is why I really felt stumped and didn't know how to behave myself ! Any advice ?

Difficult isn't it? Do you just pick her up while she is in the middle of something? If so, she was probably just trying to tell you to let her finish - in future maybe you could try talking to her, something like 'ta! give the wipe to Mummy now as it is bathtime' and try and get her to pass the wipe or whatever she is playing with to you or you gently removing it while thanking her for passing it to you. All very well in both theory and hindsight. I think you are right not to give in and let her carry on wiping or she will only learn that getting into a tantrum results in her getting her own way - just might be worth her knowing that her wiping or playing or whatever is coming to an end and why - young to understand but gets her used to it now as it won't be the last tantrum you have to deal with!!

I think at bathtime I would do the same as you - if bathtime is a regular part of the bedtime routine I can foresee many problems with allowing her to continue playing/skip the bath if she turns on a tantrum! But at another time if there was no reason why she shouldn't do what she was doing then I'd let her. I suspect that bedtime is probably a bit of a hot-spot for getting cross - they are tired after a long day. If ds (13 mo) is tired he can cry all the way through the bath, or at the slightest frustration/provocation. I agree that giving a warning that playtime is over may help especially as she gets more verbal.

Great ideas ! After the bath she still had the (now soggy) wipe so when she finished wiping the kitchen floor I got her to help me throw it in the bin saying 'all gone' - she still seemed upset though !! I should be delighted I have a little Mrs Mop on my hands !
I think thats a good idea though to not interrupt her when she's engrossed in something but to gently get her to end it heself with strong persuasion ! A taste of things to come I reckon !

I would always let ds finish what he is doing whenever possible (I'd hate to yanked from one thing to another, not that that was what you did) and just sit and watch until he got bored, or I would say, 'lovely wiping. Good boy. Now in a minute we'll have a bath, shall we take the wipe/the doggy/the duck or whatever he really likes. I think it is best to distract a child and have developed a wildly enthusiastic tone of voice for things like 'Ooh, look! Trees'. Plus I always give warning of what's coming next and explain what I'm doing. I think 12months is old enought for this. Personally I wouldn't call this a tantrum, more a not unreasonable protest! Are tantrums really inevitable? Does anyone here have a child that didn't have them? My stepdaughter had about two in her whole toddlerhood!

Well it didn't work for me tonight Aloha! DS and I were playing a game that he loves of looking through the Argos catalogue and I say "what's that?" and point and he tells me (eg chair, cup, baby, tigger etc). Anyway we got to the end and on the inside back cover there was a camera and he said "am-ra" and pointed to the cupboard where we keep the camera. Then I said "all done Argos catalogue - time for bath" and he did the stiff, leg kicking thing accompanied by some yelling.

DH diverted him by picking him up by his legs and carrying him upstairs upside down so we got away with a fairly minor strop. Better than yesterday when I took him out of his pushchair to go into a shop and he ended up face down in the snow paddying.

Cathy1 - you could always get her to clean the bath afterwards

Oops Bozza! Mind you, do you think maybe your very clever little ds (he sound sweet) wanted some acknowledgement of his brilliance at that moment - such as Yes! That's right! it's a camera just the same as ours in the cupboard. Clever boy! before you moved on. My ds loves to do anything 'clever' amd adores it when we look awestruck by his brilliance - he even claps himself when he's been particularly intelligent/gifted etc I agree with you though that a bit of chucking about, riding on daddy's back etc is an excellent technique for those tricky, tired moments. Whenever my ds gets tearful or stubborn I tend to assume he's hungry or thirsty or tired. It's normally one of the three with him.

Aloha, I have to say that my ds (25 mo.) doesn't have tantrums. He had one or two mini ones (lasted about 30 secs) the week he learned to walk and that was about it. He does cry if I don't let him do something he wants to do, but it is generally not hysterical in anyway and doesn't last long. I try not to pick him up in the middle of something. And if I need to stop him doing something because of time constraints I try to distract him with something new. That's not to say that I spoil him by letting him do whatever he wants. But I do think that it's healthy for him to be given the freedom to do things at his own pace and to what he considers their logical conclusion.
Cathy1 I would say that 12 mo. is a difficult age, because they really are old enough to have preferences and opinions (like wanting to wipe), but aren't old enough to express themselves in any way other than physically like temper tantrums or crying. Therefore, IMO children aren't being naughty simply because they have a tantrum and shouldn't be treated as if they are being naughty, but rather encouraged to express themselves in another way (this gets easier as they get older and have more tools at their disposal). I don't think you would have been "giving in" if you had left your dd to her wiping. However if she had been doing something "naughty" like breaking things or hitting another child then I would say that leaving her to it when she objected to being taken away would be the wrong thing to do. At least that's the logic I use on myself regarding my son.

Sofiames and aloha - sorry, but just you wait

I agree with SofiaAmes, esp regarding letting them do what they want provided it's not genuinely dangerous, violent or hideously antisocial. And thanks, I'm glad to hear that your ds has got past two without tantrums. As I said, my stepdaughter was never a tantrummer and I hope & suspect my ds has a similar temperament.

I think I abbreviated the conversation a bit Aloha - I'm sure I was being quite positive with him. Its a current phase he's having of not wanting to fo for a bath because he's enjoying himself too much. Very much agree about tired/hungry/thirsty though - although he is coping a bit better with tiredness than a few months ago - in fact probably better than his Dad

I didn't mean to imply you weren't Bozza, honest! I just know how keen my ds is for us to make it superplain that we have heard him, understood him and think he's brilliant If he points at something and I don't understand (or he thinks I don't understand) he gets frustrated. I can also understand not wanting to go to be because you are having a nice time. I used to feel like that myself, from time to time. Not any more though!

Aloha, my DS (3.5) has always been very sweet and placid and really I can barely think of a tantrum - always seemed possible to distract him from whatever he was upset about. Mind you, perhaps this is rose-tinted glasses...DD (18mo) another matter altogether, stop her doing what she wants and boy do we hear about it (hence the rose-tinted memories of DS) - on a logn walk the other day we put her back in the pushchair (we had a fair way to go) and she just screamed for the next half hour - luckily we didn't meet anyone we knew! But I don't think it's such a bad thing - she knows what she wants and wants to be independent, both good strong character traits. And DS is now inclined to be a bit soppy, the flipside of his character. Always amazed at how different they are. Cathy1, I agree with those who say your 1-yr-old can and surely does know what she is doing - but yes, it is frustrating for her just now. When she can tell you what's going on it will get much better. Sounds like you handled it well. End of the day is stressful for everyone and ofen tears have no other explanation than that somebody is tired (and often baby as well as Mummy!)

It's true that both my stepdaughter and my ds seem to be keen to please, quite serene children and ds is very soppy in some ways, he's passionate about animals and loves to pat and cuddle them - real ones/toy ones/ even ones in books. However he does get upset and tearful and angry if he thinks he is being misunderstood or ignored or if I interrupt him in the middle of an activity, so I try to give him lots of freedom to decide what to do except about bedtimes because tiredness makes him lose it a bit. I'm sure that a lot of a child's behaviour is just the way he is born, but not all of it. When dealing with ds, I really try to put myself in his shoes and try to understand him and think what I'd like if I were him. Though I expect we all try to do that.

Its funny because actually in my case DS was in quite a good mood last night. Quite often on nursery days he is tired and a bit grumpy (shorter nap) but he was actually full of it last night and great fun. Still it was shortlived ....

I must admit that I can't help hoping that your ds has some mega-tantrums in the years to come, Aloha! It just wouldn't be fair otherwise... I think I must be a right cow. Sorry.

If it's any comfort this evil wish probably stems from my own experiences as a parent. I had EXACTLY the same mindset as you when my twin boys were babies. They were so good and cute and adorable and clever and I'd read zillions of books on being understanding and putting myself in their shoes etc etc. I cringe to remember a conversation in a supermarket with a very nice woman with an equally (if that were possible) sweet and gorgeous bubba in which we more or less agreed that tantrums were highly unlikely in the case of our three laid back little angels... How very wrong I was! I wonder if she was too? Still, my twins are still good and cute and adorable and clever IMO and I do still try to understand and put myself in their shoes, it's just that they can tantrum with the best of them and have wills of iron that cause me to feel extremes of admiration, love, anger and despair!

Know what you mean, sobernow. I also think that it's good (in a shit sort of way) that our kids know that they can scream and shout and go bananas and that their parents love them enough to cope and deal with it.

I admire you sobernow and scummymummy for seeing the positive re tantrums. Yes I guess its good that they can 'express themselves' Must keep reminding myself of that! My ds (10) and dd(7) really almost never had tantrums. Ds cd be difficult in other ways, very wingy and persistant but dd really is v easy going and only had a few tantrums when she started reception (understandable). But youngest:ds (3 1/2)is a whole new kettle of fish. Tantrums, wild ones every day usually , often 2 , occasionally goes a few days without. It does tend to be when he is tired, but not always, and he just cannot be distracted from them. All the usual tricks of distracting ewith a game or whatever seem to fall on deaf ears. It must be hard being very much the youngest I guess, tho the others are very good with him. But I realise that my earlier smugness with the other 2 was misplaced. I do think it must be his character. Tho I'm sure I cd deal better with it too. It is so hard to get a balance between not having to 'win' but not just doing whatever he shouts and screams for...

I do realise I must sound revoltingly smug. I am grateful for having such a nice time with ds (at the moment, I know...). But I suppose the bottom line is there are worse things than even the most full-on horrible tantrums. I'm sure some of the mums on here struggling with more serious problems would agree. And that's not meant to be a criticism of anyone, just a kind of grateful thing that I tried to cling on to (and quite often failed to!) when my ds wouldn't sleep through for a long time and all my other friend's babies slept 12 hours.

But a full-on tantrum in the supermarket, with tutting spectators and crying baby for accompaniment, because the banana your child was happily eating has broken, can be one of the most dispiriting things for any parent. Its like wearing a big sign saying 'Look, I'm rubbish and my children are brats'

I'm lucky in that ds is basically very happy and amenable, but he has had his moments - I agree, you just feel like everyone is looking at you and I just want to sink into the floor. And with ds it is often just that he is overtired/overexcited or hungry!
Luckily he's only had a couple of real footstamping tantrums...so far!

Dd1 is a bonkers 3 year old with a crazy sense of humour who is generally very good natured and well-behaved. People often comment on her sweet caring nature. But she has had a few MEGA tantrums for seemingly no reason (broken banana - see below), not tired, not hungry, just plain cross. Its then that you throw away Raising Happy Children and realise that your mother was right, sometimes you just have to accept that its nothing you've done, just grit your teeth and get through it!

Oh Enid - "broken" food. How I can sympathise with that one!!.

or the sandwich cut in two...

I am now on my second round of toddler tantrums, with my 3 year old, my oldest son having long grown out of them.

First time round, like scummymummy and others, I remember thinking that my oh so easy and happy baby would bypass tantrums. I hang my head in shame, but I actually thought it was the difficult babies, the bad sleepers and eaters, who would have the biggest toddler tantrums. How wrong I was. I saw friends of mine who had struggled with their fractious babies while mine lay happily gurgling go on to have calm and obedient toddlers, while my precious baby had monster tantrums. I sometimes wonder if some babies just hate being babies, while others just hate being toddlers.

Anyway, second time around, my youngest ds tantrums but it affects me much less - I feel I've seen it all before. In fact often find it funny, though I hide his from him - don't want him to think he is being laughed at.