Need practical suggestions/strategies for occupying an 'only' child at home during half-term, holidays, and weekends

[Earlybird]

DD is a deeply social and affectionate 7 year old only child (and I'm a single parent, if that is relevant).

For some reason, this half term it has been very tricky to keep her stimulated/occupied for any length of time (15 minutes without 'Muuuuummmmm' is the most I can hope for, and that is infrequent). We've done quite a bit of 'going out' (roller skating, swimming, playdates, day trip to an amusement park, etc), done some errands just for her (summer clothes shopping, library), but she seems to have lost the ability to occupy herself at home for any length of time.

I work for myself, and work from home, so while I can have a 'light' week when she's off school, I cannot stop working completely. I also need a bit of uninterrupted time to think - her constant questions/reguests eventually make me snap at her.

She wants to be in the room with me most all the time, pesters for me to play with her, when reading a book constantly asks what words mean, when doing an art project wants to show me every step of the way what she's done - all is OK in the short term (over a weekend), but after a week with little time to work and no time to myself, I am snappy and impatient with her.

I don't want to simply throw her in front of the telly or computer for hours at a time (though certainly do a bit of that ). My patience is wearing thin - and am dreading today honestly as our museum jaunt with friends cancelled late last night.

I think this problem is trickier as she's an only, so can't occupy herself with sibling games, and seems lonely (and a bit sad, if I'm honest) to tell her to play in the garden on her own. Any ideas?

Yesterday DS1(6) had a friend over and he and ds2(3) and the friend played constantly all day! I even managed a little nap in front of Doctors in the afternoon!

Tis so much easier with an extra child as long as the child is sweet and polite and no trouble!

Next holidays ds1 and ds2 will go over to this boy's house and I will be on my own!

could you not do something similar?

dunno but as the mother of an only I will watch this thread carefully (ds is younger so can't really advise). Mind you, if you had two they would probably be rowing and beating each other up!

Simple but good suggestion collision. For some reason, this half term has worked out that our time with friends has been out doing something - which of course requires me as driver/supervisor/organiser.

Maybe I just need to simply and invite someone over for her - because no matter how much I may oversee a playdate, it's bound to be far less than the interruptions of a lonely/bored child.

We have done playdates every day this week, bar Bank Holiday Monday. So Monday nught/Tuesday day - friend came here; Wednesday - her and 3 others met at a school pals house to swim in her pool; Thursday - she went to a different schol pals house; today - I have 3 friends here currently downstairs eating lunch and gossiping like old ladies!

Otherwise it is tough finding something o do all day every day.

I don't do much at all when 6y Dd has a friend over. I leave them to it. So today they have been out ont he swing for a bit; played hide and sek round the house . They are eating now, and then want to do some craft.

Are you Manchester? If so bring your DD over! We have the same problem!

Thanks for the suggestions and sympathy ladies! Playdates seem the way forward.

Interestingly, most of dd's pals come from families of 3 or more children, so while the Mums are more than happy for me to host playdates, they aren't so quick to reciprocate. I am learning to extend invitations only to children who are easy to have in the house (having learned the hard way with a few 'playdates from hell').

Today I took her swimming early, and then dragged her 'round doing errands - car mechanic, bank, doctor's office, clothes shoppping, etc. She was beautifully behaved, but 10 minutes after we arrived home at 4:00, she asked if I would take her swimming again tonight! She is a child who likes to plan, and wants to know what we're doing next - is that an 'only child' thing?

Have to admit I've booked a babysitter for a few hours tomorrow afternoon for my own sanity and productivity , and have put calls out for a Sunday playdate.

I was one of 3 kids and I always had friends round to play, as did my brothers. An extra child on top makes very little difference I'm sure. Just be a bit bold and say "Hello Friend's Mum, DD has been pestering me all half term to go to your house. Shall we get our kids together?"

Or some such. You shouldn't be doing all the hosting by any means.

I have a 5 yr old who sounds pretty similar to your dd EB. She has phases where she will play by herself and phases (like now) when when wants my attention all the time.

A friend with an only child taught me a good tip which I've copied successfully. (It works particularly well in school holidays and might appeal to your dd's love of planning). It basically involves preparing and planning a fairly complicated craft project and doing it intensively with your child over 7 or 14 days or whatever - for 45 mins to an hour a day - no exceptions. The time has to be ring-fenced and kept absolutely 'sacred'. It's best if you discuss it with them in detail first - take on board all their suggestions - and really make it a "big deal" and extremely child-centred and choose a subject which captures their imagination.

For example, recently dd and I did the life-cycle of the butterfly.
Day 1 we made a "sculpture" of leaves and stuck on small white eggs made out of polystyrene
Day 2 we made a caterpillar out of egg boxes
Day 3 we made a chrysalis out of a cotton wool ball and hung it from a cardboard "plant" with cotton thread
Day 4 we made a massive brightly coloured butterfly
Day 5 we mounted it all on a huge cardboard background and added descriptions etc

Each night we discussed what we would do the next day. Every day we did the project together intensively with the phone turned off. And - sorry - finally getting to point of all this - dd was much happier and able to play by herself afterwards. I had to grit my teeth and get stuck in a couple of mornings when a thousand other things were calling but it was definitely worth it. On the odd times she did complain a bit, I was able to say we will be doing "x" tomorrow again and she was reassured.

Sorry for ramble, should have gone to bed an hour ago!

Good luck!

Counting - interesting concept to choose a project to do together so dd knows 'her time with Mum' is planned and in the schedule. I have tended toward taking dd out to do things together - park, skating, swimming, etc so that I can concentrate fully on her, and am not pulled away by the telephone, deadlines, etc. Also helps diffuse the single parent/only child intensity that can be too much sometimes.

But, dd seems to want time with me at home too and that is our sticking point, I think. I come home from an activity with her wanting/expecting to be 'free' to get stuck in to 'my projects', and she is tugging on my sleeve to play a game or answer a question, etc. And the tension mounts.

Perhaps I need to make a point of designating a finite 'window' for us to spend together at home doing something 'fun' where she has my undivided attention, rather than the random moments that don't occur frequently enough for dd. What we've got now is her pestering, me resisting patiently at first but then not so patiently - and before you know it, we've got a tug of wills happening, and no one is happy.

Ooh, I've found this too.

As long as I am involved, dd(4) is happy. But when I then need to get on with jobs I hear 'Muuuuum'. She is happy to just chat/read books together etc etc, just as long as she has 'Mummy time'.

Today we had a bit of a breakthrough. We baked for nearly 2 hours and then she went outside and played and played, only coming in for drinks. It was almost as if she'd remembered how to occupy herself. Will be interesting to see if it continues.... Although we're off camping tomorrow and I'm hoping for lots of little playmates on site

Will watch this thread for ideas though!

Yes, I've found this too. Sometimes dd seems to 'forget' how to occupy herself, and is more needy/demanding. At other times, she seem to find her 'rhythm' and is more self-sufficient.

No idea what causes the difference, though have wondered if my anxiety at not having time alone/unbothered somehow translates to dd and she feels insecure/clingy and simply wants attention as some form of reassurance.

Psycho-waffle, or am I possibly on to something?

I can sympathise. yesterday DS had school till lunchtime, followed by lunch, a 2-hour birthday party, then round to a friend to play. When he got home, within 10 seconds (no exaggeration!) he said, I'm bored, what can i do? Aargh.

My recent solution is to let him out to play on his own - he usually bumps into a friend, or will ride his bike around and about. We are fortunate enough to live in a small estate with lots of cul de sacs and not too much traffic. Other kids are allowed out too, and although I do worry a little, I've told myself he needs some freedom (and I need some freedom too) so it's working out ok. He is a fairly mature 6 BTW, and has a small digital watch with an alarm, which I set for the time I want him to come home. Has worked well so far).

Not much help but actually I don't think it is psycho-waffle at all Earlybird ... I've also noticed that my dd's 'neediness' fluctuates massively - and yes - it always peaks when I am at my busiest/most stressed/least 'available' They have radars .... they really do ....

I'm still ttc at the grand of old age of 44 in the hope that the intensity you describe is 'diluted' somewhat but (a) I'm probably too long in the tooth and (b) you may just end up with "double neediness" .. but that's the rough plan anyway ....!!

I'm sure other factors such as school/growth spurts/ levels of tiredness etc etc also influences it though (before we all get too guilt-ridden!!)

I wonder if some of her inability to self-occupy is a direct result of the structured activity of a school day vs the wide open lack of schedule for at home days. Sometimes she relishes the freedom, and other times she doesn't know what to do with it - so tries to engage me.

If dd has an idea for a game/project (or I can provide one), she'll get stuck in quite happily. The days we struggle are the days she is wandering about uninspired.

I took her to the library yesterday, and she is happily lying on the sofa reading atm. All feels serene, and I can MNet in peace!

scotsgirl - letting your ds outside to play sounds ideal. Unfortunately, children don't really do that here (at least not in our neighbourhood - we moved to America about 10 months ago). Children's free time seems highly structured, and there seem to be an endless round of ballet/swim/football/softball/music lessons.

Counting - good luck with trying to conceive. How old is your dd? I tried for a second child, but my body didn't cooperate (even with fertility treatments). DD sometimes comments that a sibling would be the answer to her boredom - suppose the idea that a sibling could be anything but delightful hasn't occured to her (think in her mind, a baby would be the 'ultimate toy').

You have my total sympathy dd is an only child and it can be really hard work.

Luckily dd has lots of friends on our street so she plays out all day, she has just gone shopping with a friend.

Ah Earlybird, we lived in the US for 4 years, and DS was born there, so i have some experience of this. I think you are probably correct, as children stateside do seem to have very full schedules, and much parental involvement. We lived in NYC, so there would have been virtually no scope for freeplay, and although life back here can sometimes seem a bit tame now, it does have advantages; I think DS is more independent than he would have been, although probably less articulate, less worldly, less aware of other cultures and definitely rubbish at ball games in comparison .

I too assumed I'd have several children and found out I couldn't, and my DS thinks he would love to have a brother, but he is coming to terms with it and most of the time still enjoys our company (might change when he's older!!). He does seem to value his friends a lot, so that's probably your answer - more playdates. Hope your 'mom' friends are up for it.

Oops, sorry that ended up a bit long.
And don't worry if your respective DCs don't always get on brilliantly, this is just part of the learning process. I try not to interfere in squabbles unless it's getting really bad, as I reckon this is kind of like sibling behaviour, so it isn't a bad thing for DS to experience (as long as the other mums are ok with that strategy too). (realise it can be difficult navigating this sort of thing in a different country - I probably made loads of faux pas as US parenting did seem to be more intense than here).

She's approaching 5 EB. She's desperate for someone to boss about .... We call her 'Commandant'....

While we are on the subject (just throwing out thoughts here) I sometimes wonder if the more one does with them - the more they want and need and expect it - but I'm not sure I have the forbearance necessary to withstand trying this one out ...

THis just occurred to me because we have just got back from a very full and active holiday full of planned outings: bike rides, riding lessons, time on the beach with our undivided attention ... and she's worse than ever now we're back home ...

Same as others have said down the thread ... we return home following a packed schedule only for her to say 3 mins later "Mummy, will you play with me?"

Arrrrggghhhhhhhhh

Yes countingthegreyhairs - think the transition from a full school day schedule (or active holiday schedule) can be hard going until they have become comfortable with a different pace - and the fact that they might need to generate a bit of their own entertainment via imagination.

Isn't it funny how they want the power/independence to make choices (whether food to eat, clothes to wear, etc), but resist that same freedom of choice when it comes to finding/choosing an activity to occupy themselves.

This 'failure' to occupy herself makes me realise just how little she actually plays with the loads of things in her playroom.

Yes. It is all about pace. I find it hard striking the right balance. If we have a very active week with lots of play dates and activities, dd can become overtired and instead of calming her down, it revs her up.

(Btw just realised my previous post didn't make much sense. By forbearance, I meant, I'm not sure I could withstand the 'onslaught' of protest if I withdrew all Mummy-led activities for an experimental period of time. Which brings me back to first post. Almost easier to put the effort in initially ....)

I saw a previous thread on this subject and someone suggested a correlation between television-watching and a child's need for constant stimulation. I wonder how much is too much though?. DD probably watches 1.5 hrs per day at weekends and about 40 mins per day during the week (two periods of 20 mins - once before school and once after). I guess that adds up to quite a lot

Counting (and everyone else) - does the 'allowable' telly time increase during half term and summer break?

We recently instigated a 2 hour limit per day for half term and summer. Sounds alot, but many days we don't come close to that amount. And if we're at home a good part of the day (or if the weather is dire), it's some 'waking up' telly and a dvd.

Is that a dreadful amount?

There was a thread about "how much tv is too much?" recently .. but I'm afraid I can't find it ....

bumping for other practical suggestions/strategies

I'm an only child and remember spending a lot of time doing jigsaws and playing monopoly against myself (how sad does that sound?) during the school holidays. I lived 20 miles from school and nowehere near any of my friends which didn't help much.

My mum got me into crafty things at about the same age as your dd- needlework, knitting, tapestry making. She woudl also buy model-making kits which would keep me amused for hours.

We also went swimming and had friends round to play, but it was always impressed upon me that mummy had to have some time to get things done in order for us to have some time together. I am still very self-reliant and organised to this day!