At nursery pickup earlier this week, DD went nuclear, exorcist level meltdown on DH. Screaming, throwing herself on the ground, spitting, thrashing, kicking etc. all because she wanted me to pick her up instead of him. He tried all the usual techniques, speaking calmly, getting down on her level, validating her feelings, changing the subject/distracting, gently restraining her etc. and nothing helped to calm her. So many embarrassing side eyes from teachers and parents, and then passerby outside of the school seemed to question if DH was harming her as she was carrying on so much. It was deeply upsetting for all of us.
She has had that level of meltdown before, but never in public. We talked about it later once she was home and in a better mood, told her it’s ok to have big feelings like X, Y, Z and we always love her, etc. but it is not ok to shout and hit etc. Also tried to model what we could do next time. But we always do this and she knows what to say back to us…. But then it just happens again.
I know there’s no reasoning with her when she’s that far gone but we also get the run of the mill tantrums multiple times a day and I’m just so bloody exhausted. DH excuses it as normal for her age, as do her teachers, but I think I’m very triggered because I grew up with a sibling with BPD and felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells, never knowing what was going to set them off. I struggled with the decision to have children given the history of mental illlness (BPD, anxiety, depression) in my family and now I feel utterly distraught and probably slightly unfairly projecting on DD that she is going to have the same struggles. I’m getting frustrated that nothing seems to be improving with her regulation or listening or self calming methods.
Here are some other ones from the last couple days: brought a surprise lovey from home to pick her up, first day she was delighted, second day ‘but I don’t WANT this toy I wanted you to bring THAT toy!’; same with snack right as we get in the car, ‘I didn’t want this one I wanted a different one!’ This morning it was that she wanted to take her pull-up off downstairs rather than upstairs. Wanted fish sticks instead of cereal for breakfast. Wanted the milk cold instead of warm. Wanted to go to her friend’s house today instead of tomorrow. Wanted an ice lolly from the further shop not the closer shop. Wanted her drawing on that side of the board not the other. Wanted mommy not daddy and vice versa. And on and on… all of these resulting in real upset bratty shouting stomping crying behaviour.
Everything is a power struggle. I have been so patient and loving but I’m starting to lose it. I try to let her have decisions everywhere she can, but it sometimes backfires and just leads to more struggles (give her the choice between A and B but she then will scream for C). She can be so lovely and cheeky and clever but it feels like that’s becoming less and less frequent in comparison to this behaviour.
I don’t even know what I’m looking for by writing this… getting it off my chest I suppose and hoping that DH is right that maybe this is all just normal kid behaviour? I’m just worried she is either becoming an absolutely entitled brat or has something more sinister going on and I feel like we are failing her as parents.