Help! My son is getting thumped too often at the childminders. What do I do?

[SofiaAmes]

My ds (25 mo.) has been going to the most wonderful childminder since he was 11 mo. My friend's son (23 mo.) has been going to the same childminder (on my recomm.) for approx. the same amount of time. We all live in the same cul de sac as the childminder so we see each other regularly on weekends too. My friend's son is a biter, thrower and hitter and unfortunately seems to be directing this mostly at my ds (rather than the other children at the childminder's). My ds has come home more than once with visible bruising and bites where he has been injured by this kid. Today he had been slapped in the face by him just before I picked him up and he cried for an hour in my arms. He doesn't normally cry much when injured (only did about a minute when he tumbled down a whole flight of stairs), so I think that he must have been really shocked/traumatised by the incident. Yet he still seems to like this child and be happy to go to his house to play. I have witnessed the bad behavior myself and the child's mother does seem to be disciplining him appropriately. My ds does generally react by hitting back, he just looks hurt or comes to me for a cuddle. I trust the childminder and am sure she is doing her best to protect my ds. But my dh is furious and wavers between trying to teach ds to hit the child back (not something that I am encouraging) or telling me to DO something about it. I'm not sure there is anything I can do except hope this other child grows out of it quickly (the childminder assures me that he will eventually). His mother is going on maternity leave in 5 weeks and will be having him at home with her most of the time so things may just solve themselves. But dh is still insisting that I take action NOW! Am I being too passive about this and will my ds be permanently traumatized by this or learn the wrong lessons from the whole thing? Is there something I should be doing? Just thought I'd see what all you wise and experienced mumsnetters have to say about al of this.

whoops, that's supposed to be DOESN'T generally react by hitting back.

Batters, you are right that a child who hits back is likely to get in as much trouble at school as the one who starts it - in fact often the retaliator is the only one who gets into trouble, as the start of an incident goes unnoticed.

But...but..."telling" becomes less and less effective as they get older. A lot of playground supervisors will say something like "don't be such a baby" or "go and play over there instead" and the hitter gets away with it. (And you can't blame them for that because they don't know if something was said or done to the hitter first...it's like the UN sometimes!)

(Example - DS2, aged 9, in the cloakroom at hometime yesterday - NB, this is just his version - new girl (aged 10) hit him on head with book. He hit her on head with bag. She hit him with book again - he hit her with bag again - she hit him with book again - he hit her with bag again - she kicked him in shin - quite hard - end of fight! He insists he hadn't said or done anything to her first but who knows. I said he can tell their teacher today if he wants...)

Children can be such devious little sods and some of them get very good at starting things and then playing the innocent, especially if they have been doing it for years without being either hit back or punished.

I agree that SofiaAmes's childminder should be being much more reactive, if not proactive - watching the other child like a hawk, preventing him from hurting before he starts or dealing as severely as she can if he does start, for his own good as much as anybody else's - it might be "just a stage" (and the imminent new baby might have something to do with it, I suppose) but the longer it goes on the more the behaviour is reinforced. Does she have a naughty corner or stop him doing things he enjoys after he has hit/thrown/bitten? How does she deal with it?

SofiaAmes, I do understand your not wanting to teach him to hit back, he is obviously a gentle child, but it's a rough old world out there and they can't always (or ever, in some cases) stand up for themselves verbally. He is too little to try to avoid trouble (which is another strategy I've tried as mine get older - "just stay away from him" - doesn't help if the person concerned comes looking for them.)

Sorry, I'm rambling, don't suppose this helps much! Good luck anyway...

Hi SofiaAmes, I had a very similar problem with my sister's child. My ds is marginally older, (25 months) and much larger than his cousin but he was frequently pinched, bitten, hit by her (they see each other every day, so the situation is quite similar to yours). Again, like your situation, my ds didn't seem overly phased by his cousin's behaviour. He still wanted to play with her every day and would run to see her every time they met up. Nevertheless, with all the biting, pushing etc I started getting concerned that ds would get a victim complex because he never retaliated (apart from wailing loudly) and in the end I told him to tell his cousin NO when she attacked. That almost worked, and then (after talking things through with my sister) I told ds to say NO and push her away. Not very politically correct, but after a couple of pushes, the cousin got the message and now they play just fine most of the time. And there's been no biting or pinching for over a week now.

SofiaAmes, my DD (2.8) has a friend who is quite hitty & she put up with it for a while, but has recently started getting very upset & feeling physically insecure - she became very withdrawn & would even be frightened of children trying to hold her hand or trying to involve her in a game. Over the last few weeks I have been helping her learn to say NO very loudly & if that doesn't work, to push back. She's naturally a gentle girl but has been doing well & last week shouted NO at this little boy & hit him back (though not very hard, bless her!). It really improved her confidence, but regardless, I have decided that we're going to see less of this friend & have already changed her nursery days so she goes when he isn't there. I don't think 'your friends hit you' is a good thing to accept (and toddlers do accept what they're faced with as how life is, forming their views & perceptions for life).

I'm sure it's quite awkward, but can you try talking to the childminder & asking if there's any way she can be stricter with this child? IMO visible bruising & bites on more than one occasion is not really acceptable & if the childminder can't stop it - thereby giving your DS the care he needs - then one of the children should be taken out of the situation. I know it's easier said... Good luck

I would have a chat with the childminder and ask what approach she uses and whether you both think another strategy would be better (such as him shouting no) you can come it at from the angle that you have him around to play and you want a consistant approach to deal with it and you would appreciate her advice.

Your son was probably just shattered today and the crying for an hour was about that, or he's unwell & about to come down with something.

Christ on a bloody bike this must be a record for a resurrected thread

IndigoFairy I am sure that your advice SEVEN YEARS LATER is spot on

(That's not to say I think pushing back or hitting is right - on the contrary. But in this particular case, it did seem the right thing to do. Luckily, DD is so gentle, I am fairly certain the hit back was a one-off, albeit a valuable one for her confidence)

Wow...

How does this actaully happen? I dont get it?

I have no frickin idea

!!!

(That's not to say I think pushing back or hitting is right - on the contrary. But in this particular case, it did seem the right thing to do. Luckily, DD is so gentle, I am fairly certain the hit back was a one-off, albeit a valuable one for her confidence)

Are you new, IndigoFairy?

Could it be that the op was doing a search on a certain subject (sometimes during a thread a more experienced mner might realise that a subject has been "done" a few times and suggest a search)

I have done searches myself and bought up fairly ancient threads. If one doesn't check the date, then it is easy to resurrect it again I assume?