2 year old ‘bullying’ other children

[overwork]

I’m aware that a 2 year old can’t really bully other children. But that’s exactly what he seems to do. He’ll pick on one child, usually smaller than him, often, but not always, female, and continually go for that child. Hitting them on the head, taking the toy they’re playing with them, and his favourite seems to be running up behind them and pushing them over.
He’s just turned 2. No siblings. No violence or arguing at home. No screens. We have had to move house twice in the last year, we’re settled now. He’s stayed at the same nursery 3 days per week throughout, but has moved rooms and therefore changed key worker (they seem to move rooms every 6 month or so). Language skills are behind his peers but he does have some words.
Whenever he behaves like this we tell him that’s not nice, remind him about gentle hands, distract and if possible, remove him from the situation, but nothing works. He laughs, and then will run over and do it again.
I don’t know if it’s related but he’s also physical with me (Mum). I’m by far the ‘preferred’ parent, but he’ll hit me or pull my hair and we react in the same way as above, but it doesn’t deter him.
I’m really concerned that if we don’t nip this in the bud we’re going to have a big problem on our hands - does anyone have any advice please?

What is his reaction when you remove him from the situation?

Perhaps not the most helpful comment but this is actually quite “normal” behaviour from a two year old, when impulse control is a long way off fully wiring up in the brain and there is no language with which to express those new, overwhelming emotions. He’s could be doing this out of excitement, playfulness, frustration, boredom, jealousy or anger… but “I’m going to do this because I enjoy hurting x” (bullying) isn’t there yet in an older child/adult sense.

There isn’t a quick fix for this if it’s just behavioural and not linked to a medical issue, it’s about consistency, and it sounds like you’re doing things right… stay calm, be consistent, redirect into what he should do instead (gentle hands, for example, as you’re already doing), give LOTS of praise and attention when he plays nice, and watch for patterns. Does he do this more when he’s tired? Hungry? In busy environments (overwhelmed)?

Have you talked with the nursery about maybe somebody shadowing him to both help you identify the triggers + step in before they come out and redirect him?

Hopefully you will find when his language comes along and he has other avenues of expression, this dissipates.

If his speech is a little behind, have you spoken to your HV about his speech yet and the issues you’re having?

I would start with this very simple progress checker. Let us know if it says that he needs some support.

Have Nursery said what they are doing to try and help him too?

@TTCJJBhe just laughs and then goes back for more. He can’t say the word sorry, but he might try and kiss, or cuddle the person he’s hurt / me, if we tell him to apologise, but then will push or hit them again.
Thankyou @Lalu9025for a really considered and reassuring response. We don’t think that there are any other medical issues. Overwhelm might be a trigger certainly. Nursery aren’t overly concerned about his speech. They also didn’t seem particularly concerned about this behaviour either, they said they’d observed it there too, but didn’t seem to suggest that any moves had been made to tackle it.
I will suggest attempts to observe triggers.
The progress checker does suggest that he needs support @BunnyRuddingtonHe has a 2 year HV check coming up and I’ll mention this, but I haven’t found the HV team remotely useful when I’ve engaged with them in the past.

Ok if the progress checker suggests he needs support i would ring your HV and ask for your 2 year check to be brought forward.

At the appointment explain about the Speech & Language UK’s progress checker and ask for a referral for a hearing test and to SaLT.

Did Speech & Language UK send you any resources that you can use in the meantime?

I would also fill in both the:

2 year Ages & Stages

and the 2 year Social & Emotional Ages & Stages and take them with you to the 2 year check.

Although you can of course mark them yourself first and do feel free to discuss the results on here

Hopefully somebody else will have more experience of what the Nursery should be doing.

What kind of situations are you seeing this in? Is it when your at the park or soft play? Meeting with friends and their kids. I would give a warning on the way, “remember no hitting, pushing or grabbing toys, we must take turns with toys and be gentle”, if he does it give one warning, “no hitting, if you hit again we will have to go home” and if he does it again, straight home. Eventually he will realise Hitting= the fun stops.

Thanks @Motherofdragons24I like the idea of setting out expectations early.

I'd agree with doing the questionnaires @BunnyRuddington linked and, depending on the results, pushing for the HV to see him sooner.

As it's a pattern of behaviour and he's two (but a young two), I'd set out expectations beforehand like @Motherofdragons24 suggests, 'gentle hands and no snatching, please', but with hitting, pushing, etc., I'd skip the reminder and the distraction and go straight to 'No hitting. Come sit with me'. He hits or pushes, and the fun stops for a couple of minutes. Then he can try again. Decide how many chances before you go home – it shouldn't be a big number, but I think at this age, a little bit of rapid-fire repetition can help them link behaviour and consequence. Hit = sit. Hit = sit. The same at home, ideally with a different adult from the one he hit.

Sharing is more complicated, and I probably would give a reminder/warning for that, or if it's something he generally struggles with, hover enough to help manage those interactions.

And definitely lots of praise and attention when he plays well around others, even if it's only for thirty seconds!

My dgs had a wearingly long phase like this. He was also slightly slow with speech. Absolutely no impulse control and was also prone to biting!

My DD and I decided on a plan (I look after him several days a week and I work with Early Years ) together so that we were consistant.
Soft play/ toddler groups/play dates.. our plan was:

1. watch him like a hawk. We made sure we were ALWAYS right next to him so that any hint of him hitting/grabbing etc we could literally get in the way. It was tedious at times but it prevented 80% of incidents,
2. Before we went anywhere reminded him... kind hands no hurting or we can't play.
3. If we failed to prevent, as sometimes he was just so quick, he was instantly picked up and removed from the toys/child etc... time out! (Usually apologising to the child/parent as we retreated!) If he bit we went straight home.
4. Clear language. Toddlers don't process lots of language.. and they need to hear the important word LAST ( I work in Special Ed and this is much more effective) so we didn't say 'stop hitting!' but just 'STOP!' or 'hitting STOPS' .. so the command word is the word that registers.
5. Making them apologise is a bit pointless at this age..they don't feel sorry. However if they have snatched, getting them to hand things back isn't a bad idea

We had a fairly tense 6 months between 2-2 1/5. We also scaled down play dates to open spaces and selected friends! It took time, and a bit of maturity and speech development but it worked. He soon realised that biting meant end of fun and any hitting or grabbing meant sitting out!

He's now 4 and I can't remember the last time he was unkind to anyone, he has lots of friends and is a loving fun little boy. And he was far from being the only one! 2 year olds are feisty creatures!

Thankyou so much for all your wise words, I know what’s right and wrong for him but I’m struggling with the best way to teach him that, I really appreciate you taking the time to explain your methods