Struggling with 3yo

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Anyone else struggling with their 3 year old?

my daughters just turned 3 and she’s always been quite easy going but all of a sudden she just doesn’t listen, gives answers back, refuses to eat at dinner time

I know all of this is normal but it’s just happened over the last two weeks and I have no idea how to manage with it me and my partner both feel like we’re just failing - I find we’re telling her off a whole lot more than we ever did.

is this a normal phase or have we gone wrong somewhere

Yes, a normal phase. Calmly hold your boundaries, try to use linked or natural consequences, and it will pass – how quickly depends a lot on personality, I think. I mostly keep it quite matter of fact. If you do X, then Y, so it feels less like constant telling off but still gets the job done. It also means telling off has more impact if they do something dangerous or properly destructive.

So if she doesn't eat at dinner, fine – but she doesn't get something else later. Or if she's a poor sleeper like my DD2 and you can't face the disrupted sleep of a hungry child, she gets something easy and boring like porridge or toast with butter.

If the not listening is dangerous, obviously in the moment you grab her and keep her safe, but an effective consequence can be needing to treat her like a younger child who can't keep themselves safe. If she can't walk nicely holding your hand for example, back in the buggy or put reins on. More general 'not listening' consequences can be not being able to do nice things or needing to stop doing nice things. If you can't listen, then we won't be able to go to the park/get the paddling pool out/do some painting after lunch because it won't be safe. (My two could link same-day things in this way at 3, but some still need it to be more immediate.)

How exactly is she answering back? In general, the approach for not-pleasant communication is that it doesn't work or has mild negative consequences. Some can just be ignored as if she hasn't spoken. Whinging or unpleasant tone of voice, we ask them to say it nicely – you don't get what you asked for until you do.