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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

So you ignore your 4 yr old having a tantrum, but they dont give up and go on and on and on and on and on.

25 replies

mybrainaches · 25/05/2008 12:11

Then what do you do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Saturn74 · 25/05/2008 12:13

Let them carry on as long as they are safe.
Try and ignore them if you can.
Easier said than done, though.

NotABanana · 25/05/2008 12:14

Each time you completely ignore them the next tantrum will get shorter.

Hang in there!

Teuch · 25/05/2008 12:16

pick them up, put them in a safe room, close the door and let them get on with it.

They have already lost control, so don't ned shouting or whatever, so just exaplin as calmly as you can what you are doing, then do it.

My DS sometimes hugs in at this point, as he gets a bit scared that he is so out of control - but often not. He lets it all out, then comes back in and says 'I'm better, mummy' and gets a cuddle.

HTH

Original poster

mybrainaches · 25/05/2008 12:16

Ok, will give it a go, have decided I need to toughen up and no means no, not, scream enough and I will give in

OP posts:

Saturn74 · 25/05/2008 12:17

You can do it.
Stay on MN and try and tune out the wailing for a while.

Romy7 · 25/05/2008 12:17

I let it go for as long as I can stand it and then carefully and calmly lead to them to their bedroom - usually still squawking - pointing out that that they are welcome to behave in that way if they wish, but they can now do it in the privacy of their own room, as they are uspetting the rest of the house.
Bit more difficult in sainsburys though.
At home it usually works v quickly. No point putting on a performance if there's no-one to watch.

FAQ · 25/05/2008 12:19

I agree just leave them to it - however now guarantee how long they will go on for, and how quickly the tantrums will shortern.

DS1 (7 1/2) can still go for 30 minutes or more shouting and screaming on bad one!!!

Although DS2 (4 1/2yrs) now only goes for a couple of minutes (he used to copy DS1 and go on and on and on and on and on but the ignoring him and leaving him to get on with it worked really quickly for him).

Original poster

mybrainaches · 25/05/2008 12:19

She wont stay in her room, I suppose I have left it too late, and often her sister is tantruming at the same time, they are twins and share a room.

OP posts:

Teuch · 25/05/2008 12:21

don't fight with her to stay in her room - that's just attention.

Just close the door of the room you are in and ignore

Good luck!

soapbox · 25/05/2008 12:22

I think sometimes that the loss of control terrifies them - there is a cut off point for ignoring in my book. I think you need to pick them up and cuddle them and help them to regain control.

This isn't about a battle of wills - unless you want to make it that way.

FAQ · 25/05/2008 12:23

unless soapbox picking them up and cuddling sends them into an even bigger frenzy of screaming and shouting......

Saturn74 · 25/05/2008 12:24

I agree with Soapy re a 2 year old.
A 4 year old is a bit different, I think.

Teuch · 25/05/2008 12:26

I mentioned that earlier - sometimes DS (who is 2.5) will cuddle in when you pick him up, but sometimes that is the worst thing you can do to him!!

It is not about it being a battle of wills, it is about teaching what kind of behaviour gets the response they want, and what absolutely does not work (screaming & shouting!)

snice · 25/05/2008 12:27

If its really out of control you could try a serious diversion like an alarm clock or a smoke alarm going off for 30 secs. It may make them curious enough to calm down and come and see whats going on.

soapbox · 25/05/2008 12:29

I think a 4 year old is quite capable of completely losing control too! The tantrum the OP is talking about has clearly gone on long enoough - time to help the child out of it - I cannot see why one wouldn't do that!

In fact I regularly read (on MN) of adults having prolonged temper tantrums although they euphemistically refer to these events as 'losing it'

Saturn74 · 25/05/2008 12:50

"I agree with Soapy re a 2 year old.
A 4 year old is a bit different, I think".

I meant my reaction to a 2 year old having a tantrum is different to how I would deal with a 4 year old having a tantrum.

bubblagirl · 25/05/2008 13:07

if talking to them and trying to find out what the problem is i would tell them i am putting them on there own somewhere to calm down and when they calm down come and tell me what the problem is

when they have calmed down i would say that behaviour is not acceptable and if they have something to say i would rather they just talk to me

once speaking i would praise the fact they have spoke to me to ebcourage them to do it in future

coolbeans · 25/05/2008 13:10

So for a 2.5 yr old, it could be that ignoring the tantrum is not always the right way to go about it? I ask because with my 2 yr old, it seems to make the situation worse, but I am unsure about the alternatives and all the advice seems to be ignore, ignore, ignore. This however, sends him into an almost uncontrollable hysteria until I pick him up.

bubblagirl · 25/05/2008 13:16

my ds when he was 2.5 i would put him in time out let him throw a wobbly then after 2 mins i would go back and tell him why i put him there and ask him to say sorry he did

then i would take him to play games as though nothing happened he soon learnt that after first and second warning he would be put in time out being away from me was worse for him than ignoring so he is 3 now and is hardly ever in time out he has a warning and he does it

if he doesnt he knows 2 warnings and his off consistancy is the key praising bad behaviour sends mixed messages the praise comes after

Teuch · 25/05/2008 13:17

you have to be guided by yuor own child and what you feel comfortable with.

The idea is not to 'reward' the tantrumm with attention or by giving whatever they were tantrumming for. If yuo want to pick up, ad hold quietly until they calm down, then you should do that.

bubblagirl · 25/05/2008 13:20

tantrums are just natural i know but had community nurse helping me who said from 2 onwards its not acceptable and removing them from you was the best way it certainly worked as hardly have any trouble from him now

he did seem to spend alot of time there not in one day but a week as you have to pick your battles if they dont calm down with distraction then its attention they want so remove

its teaching them that they cannot act that way to get what they want or they will do it for a long time and at that age are well aware of there own actions

im glad she helped as i say he is an angel i say do you want time out he says no and does what i ask of him

WendyWeber · 25/05/2008 13:23

"unless soapbox picking them up and cuddling sends them into an even bigger frenzy of screaming and shouting......"

She can be very scary, FAQ

FAQ · 25/05/2008 14:03

LOL - ooops that didn't come out quite how I meant

Psychomum5 · 25/05/2008 15:08

depending on why and mood, I either offer them a hug to calm them down or put them somewhere safe to get over it!

sometimes it is not tantrum anymore, but more fear that they feel that they can;t calm down IYGWIM....and sometimes it is pure rage!!

either way, still do not give in as each time will be longer and harder as they will always know that they can win......

for my son, who is now 5, if it has been ofset by anyone other than me, me hugging him will calm him down and he then often dozes off.

if I the reason or cause, then it is always better to leave him for a while where he cannot see me,.....he then calms down quicker.... if he can see me it keeps reigniting his anger.

ElenorRigby · 25/05/2008 16:08

Id leave her to it and let her think your not only ignoring her but actually doing something you enjoy.
When shes blown herself out, let her come to you, say something like, "well that was very silly wasnt it" and make light of it.

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