Please help my child is out of control

[Anonymousmum125]

My oldest child 10f’s behaviour is out of control and I’m scared for my younger child 2m. She’s always been a difficult child but the past few years have been hell and we are desperate, my marriage is falling apart due to the conflict and my younger child is terrified.
I’m so conflicted on how best to handle the situation as I’ve grown a real fear of social services due to stories from family and friends but we are in crisis if anyone has any advice or even reassurance that I’m not alone it would be great I just feel broken.

Maybe, to get good advice, you might like to describe the behavior problems and what's going on with your husband?

Her behaviour is very controlling she refuses to do basic things like brushing her teeth and getting changed and her refusal almost always turns into a full meltdown that can last hours she’s extremely abusive verbally and physically when she doesn’t get what she wants but we have never been parents who spoil our children so we don’t know where this has come from.
as for my husband he has mental health issues himself and has sensory issues due to autism and our daughter squeals all the time causing him to experience physical pain due to this he is very quick to anger he also comes from a very abusive background and struggles to cope being treated this way by her as he suffered from ptsd

May I make a suggestion about your post? I'm perturbed that you've had no answers here, and although it's in the right category, I'm going to suggest that you re-post it elsewhere. This is a good example of why I object to the way that forums here are organized and listed.
I see that there is a forum under Health entitled Child Mental Health. Try re-posting there, and see if you do better.
I'm not giving you any advice, because this is a serious situation but far beyond me. I will say, though, that I don't think your daughter's behavior would be properly termed "controlling." She's not controlling anything. I think she would be better termed "defiant."
Good luck.

Have you heard of PDA @Anonymousmum125?

Im not saying your DD has this obviously but it might be worth reading up on PDA and seeing if you can implement some strategies that help young people with PDA.

Is your DH getting any Counselling for his anger too? Any type of anger around your DC needs addressing. It sounds as though your DD can’t help hpw she’s behaving, it doesn’t sound like she’s been naughty, she sounds demand as OIf any and overwhelmed but from what you’ve said the anger and blame will be making the situation at home much worse for your DD and in turn all of you.

The Explosive Child will have some good strategies to try.

I would also do this simple progress checker and let us know if it says that she needs done support.

Have you asked her Teacher hiw DD is getting in at school and asked if their SENCO can assess her?

I don’t think you have to be worried about SS yet unless someone had reported you? There are lots of things you can do to try and help the situation, the main obe being your DH getting help for his PTSD