Constantly spiralling with worry about autism in my newborn

[lovesanimalsmorethanhumans]

Hi all! I want to preface this with, I know how ridiculous I’m being. But I need to get this off my chest and hopefully get some positive words of reassurance to know I’m not alone and pull me into line.

my baby is 7 weeks old so I know it is wayyyy too early. But I keep seeing posts on autism in babies on instagram so it’s constantly on my mind. And I click on them so I’m training the algorithm!! Add to this that autism is in my family, with my nephew being severely autistic and nonverbal at 6.5 years old. My sister also suspected she was autistic, which we all agreed with, but she recently went through the process of getting a diagnosis and they said she isn’t (which i don’t agree with). it isn’t so much the label I’m worried about, it is that I see how difficult life is for them at that extreme end of the spectrum and of course, you want the best for your child. I also am an anxious person who really worries about the unknowns and things I can’t control.

when I find myself slipping into a spiral of worry I try to talk myself out of it with lines like don’t worry about what you can’t control. No point worrying about something twice. Focus on enjoying her etc etc. but I’m so exhausted from the anxiety. I think the lack of sleep, break, space and exercise really heightens my anxiety.

so I find myself worrying about really small things, comparing her to my nephew as a baby. When she cries, is she overly sensitive because she’s autistic. My nephew doesn’t sleep and she has been going through a phase of not napping. Yesterday she had a really upset afternoon (its hot and she is going through a leap) and I shared this with my sister and she said when her eldest (autistic child) went through these phases she’d pace up and down etc. why was she only referencing him and not her youngest (who isn’t autistic)? Is it because she only had these meltdowns with him and it is because he’s autistic? My nephew used to stare at lamp shades (not turned on), and my little girl likes fixating on things like mirrors and pictures on the wall. My little girl really tenses up her legs when you stand her up (granted I usually do this when she’s upset as I bounce her), and apparently my sister did this. You can see the spiralling here!!!

the things that I try to focus on to reassure me is the early milestones she’s hitting early. She smiled at 3.5 weeks, she started showing an interest in her hands before 7 weeks, she makes lots of eye contact and she follows me around the room with her eyes. She has a very expressive face and she makes lots of noises as if she’s trying to speak. Also, every child and every autistic child is different. When I was reading comments on a post about this, some were saying the signs that their baby was autistic was that they were super chill and never cried and others saying they were the opposite. So clearly there’s nothing definitive signs other than the classic development delays and social interactions.

my gut tells me she isn’t as my husband and I show no signs (maybe a bit of adhd), but my anxiety creeps in and keeps the worry there.

please tell me I’m not alone and I’m being silly! I’m gonna make myself sick with worry.

As you say, you know that it is far too early to tell and you're spiralling (and it's really good that you do know this). That means that at this point, it's about getting support for you. The post-natal period is a very vulnerable one for women's mental health. Have you spoken to your HV or GP about how you're feeling?

It also sounds like you know some of the things that would help your anxiety (again, this is a strength!) – sleep, a break, exercise. What steps can you, your husband, and other family/friends take to help you get a bit more of those?

Essay response here BUT I am EXACTLY the same with my little boy who is 6.5 months and I have been since he was born. He wasn’t interested in faces and made zero eye contact for ages. Now, He is so sociable, super smiley, has been easy to wean, babbles dada tata nanana and has great eye contact (but didn’t until he was about 3months).

He isn’t rolling back to belly yet, and when he lies on the floor he constantly moves his legs, rubs his feet and stiffens his legs slightly off the ground and the internet has me convinced he is autistic. I have had him at a pediatrician and they are not at all concerned, but a friend has a severely non verbal boy and I can see his hard it is for her.

The thing is, it can’t be diagnosed until they are at least 18-24 months because, by nature, babies will make repetitive movements to learn. It’s when they don’t stop it becomes an issue. People will find early signs and publish these “early signs” when realistically they are just typical baby behaviour and normal development. Although babies, they are still human and I think that’s what is super anxious peeps forget. I handle things completely differently to my husband. When tired, he is still pleasant, whereas I could easily end up in jail 😂 we are different! some babies are just a little more unsettled. At your little one’s age, her little digestive system is still working itself out, the world is still so new and overstimulating and she will be programmed to think that if she is put down she might get eaten so it’s completely normal for her to not want to be put down to nap, she also might also have low sleep needs. Leaps are horrendous!!! I now know when my little one is in a leap because everything goes to poop and that is completely NORMAL.

please don’t let anyone tell you that there are signs because someone - regardless of who - thinks certain behaviours were evident very young. There is so much the internet will have you believe is autism when it is in fact normal, typical baby development:

hand flapping - normal for a baby under 1 especially when excited
twirling hands - normal
foot rubbing - normal
screeching - normal
fascination with lights - normal
staring at hands - normal

trust me when I say I am you, I panic over EVERYTHING and I have kept myself awake and starved with worrying over it all, but try to remain as calm as possible or you won’t enjoy this period. I haven’t, please don’t be like me.

if you are really concerned you can pull a copy of the ASQ for each month which is used to identify potential red flags. I was terrified about my LO and he scores pretty much full marks whole way through apart From gross motor because he isn’t rolling back to belly. It helped me stay calm over it all.

please feel free to message me if you are spiralling, and try your best not to google! Xxx

How are you getting on now @lovesanimalsmorethanhumans

I agree with skkye Thats it’s really, really good that you’ve recognised tgat you’re anxious and how you might be able to help that, although I know that sleep and exercise can both be hard with a young baby.

Can I just mention the algorithm thing? You are totally right that you’re trying it to show you more posts about ASD.

Can I suggest you make a few positive searches and train it in a different way?

So look up something like 10 minute yoga with baby, how to take great baby photos and maybe activities 2 month old baby.

If you are still finding the anxiety overwhelming then some meditation might help, i use a free app called Insight Timer.

I would though speak to PANDAS Foundation about how you’re feeling and also ask your HV for some support

Ah I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling similar but I’m so grateful I’m not alone. I’ve honestly been better of late but since she’s going through a sleep regression (14 weeks), I’m spiralling again. I think when I’m burnt out I’m worse. I’ve actually just been talking to my sister and I said I’ve noticed my little one always cries if I take her into Aldi when asleep - the noises wake her up and she becomes upset. If I take her in awake she’s fine. My sister, unprompted, said her little boy (autistic) was the same. So yet again I’m worried that she’s autistic. The logical part of my brain tells me, it is completely reasonable to wake up from a nap and not enjoy being in a really loud environment, especially as a tiny baby.

she’s continuing to hit her milestones, she laughed for the first time at 8 weeks and at 14 weeks is laughing loads, she’s beginning to show signs of rolling etc. and her eye contact is pretty insane tbh and always has been. So there’s no concern on her socially. It is simply the comments my sister makes about her boys that get to me. But everyone comments on how alert my baby is and that she’s clearly bright. Which I hope is true.

I’m just finding life really exhausting at the moment. I am completely put off even thinking about having a second baby as this point as the anxiety is eating me up. Feel like I’m totally losing myself in general and then just worrying about everything on top.

how are you getting on since you posted this? Thank you so much for sharing your kind words of advice, it really helped.

I’m doing much better thank you, but I did start therapy to help me because my anxieties are linked to my own health battles. My DS has started rolling now so my worries have ceased for now. He has his 6-9 mth HV appointment on Monday, so I will be asking loads of questions.

when they turn 6 months they change so rapidly, and all the things he wasn’t doing he now is. He was always ahead with babbling etc. there will be things your DD is ahead with in comparison.

waking up crying is COMPLETELY normal, especially in a busy supermarket where it’s all of a sudden so overstimulating. It sounds very much like your SIL is desperately clinging to someone being in the same position as her. The thing is the facts remain the same, what is normal in a baby can be an autistic trait in a toddler. There is no way you could tell now. I’m so sorry that this is effecting you so badly. If I were you I would ask her politely to stop trying to draw comparisons as it is stealing your joy!

look at the ASQ for her age and see how she scores, it really helped me! babies can’t self soothe so by nature she will struggle if she is overstimulated. She sounds great socially and she is hitting her milestones well on time so that’s what counts. Have you had her at any sensory classes etc? That might be a good idea for you.

the biggest thing my friend noticed with her little boy was eye contact and no response to his name. It sounds like you have no worries there. There is absolutely no solid way of telling until she is at least 18 months. Xx

Oh bless you. So glad you’re doing therapy though, and that they’ve started rolling. You’re so right that it is more about them not growing out of the baby things. I actually did look at one of those forms and she ticks literally every single box. I think she actually falls into a “high alert baby”. I’ve just found a thread on that and she is that down to a T. Just pissed off about being a baby hahah. It is so demanding! We’ve actually booked onto baby sensory!! Starts very soon - really excited about it! Hope therapy continues to work for you, and I’m here for a chat if you need it as a fellow, over thinking, anxious girlie haha xx

@PotatoBread1990 hey just wanted to check in on how you are doing? I’ve been fine for ages then getting anxious periods. Realising I am being irrational tbh 😂 my little girl is just shy of 5.5 months and has rolled both ways now, found her feet, properly babbling with baba abba etc. so still no actual red flags but the “what if” is always there which is driving me nuts. Been using chat gpt as a therapist to try and avoid google and forum dark holes. But I hope you’ve continued to be ok the up :)

I have been doing much better thank you! He has started clapping, waving, giving kisses, looks to the light if you say twinkle twinkle, is mimicking us, babbling constantly and has started looking at me when he is held so I have calmed down a lot!

im so glad you’re doing better! The internet is the devil sometimes without any family getting involved FGS! It sounds like she is doing amazingly well! Rafe didn’t roll until 6 months so she is well ahead of him! Xx

@PotatoBread1990 oh I’m so glad to hear that! Also you’ve quietly reassured me on the looking at you when held as that was another thing I’ve been fixating on. When I hold her out in front of me she is too busy looking at everything around and not me. And my brain chooses to fixate on that rather then focusing on her great eye contact at every other time!!! The anxiety hits me out of nowhere - all it takes is so accidentally see an instagram post, or an innocent google adds in “autism” at the end of a suggested search. But it really does sound like neither of us have anything to worry about and our anxiety was just getting the best of us. How old is your little one now? Must be almost 10 months? That’s so exciting!! How are things going otherwise? Hows sleep etc?! We went straight from the 4 months regression into her cutting her bottom 2 teeth and I think the two are on their way so sleep has been erratic to say the least xx