My 7 year old has just told me he wishes he were dead

[mutha2beagain]

I am utterly devastated to hear these words from my beautiful boy who has so far been such a happy child. We have recently had a new baby and DS1 has said that now that we have a new child, he is better off dead. I have no idea where on earth this morbid talk is coming from. Apart from explaining how sad we would all be in the family and among friends about the reality of such a scenario, can anyone suggest how we tackle this issue with him? I think he's too young to see a psychologist and I would rather handle this as a family without the help of professionals.

Aww how awful for you to hear that.

I am wondering if he is feeling the impact of a new sibling, and is old enough to verbalise his utterly understandable rage. From his point of view, you have diverted your attention from him to the baby, and it is so unfair.

Even if you have done absolutely everything by the book to prepare him for the new arrival, there is always going to be an element of jealousy.

I would think about trying to ignore the protestations, and hurt, and try to devote as much time as you can to him, one-to-one. Agree with him that the baby can be a bit of a pest, and emphasise all the good things about your son - kind/fast runner/fruit monster/insert here.

Take care, and good luck.

very sad
I had a baby when my dd was 11 and she found it very very hard at first.She had been an onlie for so long.She tells me now (she's 16) that it wasn't until ds responded to her by laughing etc that she began to see the benefits of having him.She and him have a lovely relationship now.

He is obviously feeling somewhat usurped by the new baby.At this early stage ( I am assuming the baby is still young) babies are dull and take up most of mum's time.

I think you should just encourage him to talk about how he feels to you.Maybe the death angle has come up at school or something.

Sorry not much help .

oh they can be hurtful......he doesnt really mean it i promise. & is a tough old age , as they all are and they know exactly what to say for effect.

I would make like of it and ignore it as much as you can, say something like " oh I would be really sad if you wernt here, who would be my big boy and help me with all the things I need to do, I would really miss you if you wernt her, you make me so happy" etc etc....but then dont you dwell on it, it hurts you more than he realises but please dont think he really means it

he doesn't need a psychologist - its a cry for attention - he needs a ttention and to know he's not been replaced - it sounds to me as though everyone's making such a fuss of the baby he had been fogotten - you need to make a big deal of the fact that he is the older brother - the baby belongs to him and also a big fuss of him every day - get him to help a lot, have a laugh with him about the baby and rely on him to be the big brother

Perhaps you could lay it on thick about all the stuff he can do that the baby can't? Maybe express frustration at the fact that baby can't do this, that etc etc (the baby won't understand!) I do sympathise, my DSD who was 9 when DS1 was born took it very hard and sadi she would kill the baby and then kill herself It did not take long for her to fall in love with the baby - when he atarted to DO stuff, and clearly and very visibly adored her, and she could make him laugh like nobody else could.

thanks everyone for your no nonsense and down to earth advice. Great to have such sound opinions. I must confess I have got swept up in baby loveland and poor DS1 has got the sharp end of the parenting ... guilty as charged! Luckily we are going on a family holiday over half term which may go a long way to healing those rifts.

Great to know that Mners can come through when the going gets tough. So much appreciated. xx

Is your name your pre-giving-birth-name or are you having a third?

Family legend says my father tried to kill his little brother (put a pillow over his face). Resentment of new baby is NORMAL. Just give your ds1 as much attention and reassurance as you can and talk up the importance of his new role as big brother and how the poor baby is quite boring and can't do anything much yet.

No no I'm not pregnant again Serin and you are right about my misleading name..... it does need to be modified to reflect my mum of 2 status!

I remember when I had my 2nd dc, my Mum said to me, imagine your husband brought home another wife and everybody brought her presents and called in to admire her, but you were not even allowed to complain about the new situation. THAT'S how your older child feels! Except they're (in your son's case) 7!

It is all very normal. I put up a stairgate so that I didn't have to keep 'protecting' the baby from dc1. It's easy to get somebody to sit in your house and watch the baby for an hour while you go for a smoothie and buy a magazine with your son, or just go to the park and read him a story.

I remember when my toilet trained dc1 put on a nappy and did a poo in it about 5 days after dc2 was born. It seems funny NOW! honestly.

my DS1 (then 8) has said this too )after DS3 arrived.

I think it coincides with greater awareness of life and death anyway at that kind of age. But agree about the attention...

Could you make sure you read with him before bedtime? or let him stay up later than usual and make a big deal of that - and all the other things - like chocolate etc - that he is allowed because he's older.

And when he's in a good mood, ask him whether he thinks his tiny baby needs looking after or not. You can guarantee he will - soon - be feeling attached and protective... 7 year olds are smart.

My dd1 (age 7) has said this to me before. Not nice but totally normal. They do know what buttons to press sometimes. He's only a child and he did not mean it.