Making friends in new school

[asmemo]

Dear parents,

I would appreciate your advice on how to socialise more to build meaningful connections so that my daughter can make friends in the new school;

In the middle of half term this year, we moved our daughter to a new school due to the rating of the new school.
Many times than normal, our daughter is reporting that she has no friends, that she plays alone and she needs to chase groups to be part of. We discussed with our daughter on how to talk and how to interact in a new group. We also emailed the school to relay our concerns and also to ask for support. We were told that our daughter has not build deep connections and we were also advised to organise out of school play dates with other parents. Easier said than done due to extremely challenging work for both of us, but we will, of course, try.

What me and my husband want to ask you how would you reply to the school to the above message (we are going to ask them to support interaction of kid with our daughter) and how to discuss with our daughter regardign friendship. We also wanted to ask if you are aware of any coaching sessions for us, as parents, to be better at being parents, as we feel we are total failures in this moments when we see our DD so sad coming from school.

With kindness,
2 concerned parents

Was age settled in her previous school and did she have friends there?

Hi Bunny,
Yes, she had many friends and we would do playdates regularly with all of them, takning turns and reciprocate.

I would ask the school if there are any children from other classes who they feel she would gel with, and if so could they try to introduce them and potentially consider that when deciding the classes for next year. That's assuming there is more than one class. Similarly though if there are children in the current t class who they think she would get on with could they sit them near each other in class. Also maybe the obvious things like getting her to invite one or more of the potential.friends for a play date or a trip out somewhere, encouraging after school.clubs or out of school clubs where there are likely to be kids from school who she might not ordinarily mix with. If they do mix the classes up each year then hopefully this will bring more opportunities. Good luck because it's heartbreaking to see your child go through that.

You don't say what age your daughter is so it's just general advice really. It's tough coming into a new school partway through the year when friendship groups have already been made. Her class teacher should really have allocated a sociable kind classmate to 'look after' your daughter and take her under her wing a little bit. That's what happened in my children's school.

I would urge you to get involved in school life - join the PTA & volunteer, this is a great way to get to know other parents. Can you volunteer to help in your daughter's class, maybe listening to readers or helping with arts & crafts, cooking and school trips? That way you can get to know her classmates and encourage her to invite friends home for tea. You could find out what clubs some of the other girls go to - dancing, guides, cadets etc and encourage your daughter to join, this way she has something in common and can chat about the clubs in school. Ask your daughter who are the kind friendly children in her class and invite some for playdates. Make sure they're fun, buy in some activities the children would enjoy and maybe have a pizza making session or cupcakes? Try and relax and have fun with the children, take the pressure off yourself and they will enjoy themselves and want to come back.

Also you're not bad parents. The school should be more involved/interested in helping her to feel settled and happy. She only needs to be paired with one kid who is maybe also struggling and it could make the world of difference.

I think it depends on her age, it sounds like mid-primary? I'd keep talking to her about who she gets on best with, and maybe try a playdate with that person to observe the two of them and see what the dynamic is like. I'd try, tricky when working, to meet other parents and see how involved you can be too. Children also have a bad habit of spotting the "popular" kids and trying to ingratiate themselves with them (age dependent), so maybe ask your dd if she has seen any other children on their own, or if there's anybody who looks like they might need a friend, or who looks sad at break/lunchtimes - it may be she's gravitating to the loader bigger groups, when there's someone quieter who might be more in need of a friend themselves.
Schools have a really difficult balancing act with friendships, they can't force a child to play with someone (imagine if it was your child being told who they must socialise with), but they can be a bit more supportive. I would be responding with requests for a buddy, maybe from a different year or class, who can be a special kind of friend and keep an eye on her when she is feeling left out. I'd also ask if they can ensure she's not left out within any lessons "find a partner" etc, and see if they can regularly pair her up or sit her next to/with someone they feel is a good fit (depending on how long she's been there, they should know her personality and interests by now). You could also find out who she sits next to and choose them for the play dates.
I'm intrigued you moved her when she was happy, would you consider/is it an option to switch back. In my experience, primary school (so long as the basics are good enough) is all about learning to socialise and being happy. If the basics are absolutely atrocious then I do understand you want her to have a good education, but I suspect she will learn best if she's happy and settled maybe?

Hi, thank you for the reply.
So I have took this issue very seriously and I had wrote a long email to the teacher 2 days ago to ask that our DD is placed with groups of kids that she thinks my DD would gel, ask her to bring other kids to my DD and also sit toghether in class.
Separately, I am having 2 playdates this weekend with the mums, I have created a parents Whatsapp group to communicate and organise outings etc.
My DD is in year 1 and I iterated in the email the need for support in enganging in new environments and how a new social situation can be challenging - I was told that this will be looked after in school, so I will chase this up and on my end, I will ensure to go out with her classmates more ofter,

Dear poster, I appreciate your response and the practical tips in this - I will meet again with the teacher for a follow up soon.

My DD is year 1, turning 6 in 2 weeks.

Indeed, a major factor in organising playdates is our work. We are working for the NHS in full time programme starting at 7.30 (me) and my husband at 9 (but he has an 1hr 20mi commute, so he leaves at 7.30am); the weekends are more appropriate for us and of course, we are now trying to meet with others in weekend without trying to interfere with personal plans.

Re moving schools - there were many more reasons why we had to move her school:

1). The direction of the school was in total opposite direction from where we would travel for work , and in the odd days when we can do drop offs (I have some late start at 9 AM at work), I really wanted to bring my daughter to school. The location of the previous school made my drop off a hell, as I would end up being delayed by 40 mins just to be able to get to work.

2). There was also a situation in which my daughter was told by one of her classmates who was 4.5years at that stage that her dad ,,would cut her neck and shoot her'', in which the response from the school was appalling - they have not involved any social services for an investigation, but opted to ,,disscuss'' with the parent; now in faireness, the parent was really apollogetic and send my daughter cards and present to say sorry for this event, gave all the possible explanations to the school, but without a doubt, for me this raises severe safeguarding child concerns and without a formal investigation, I cannot accept a response like this.

3). In another situation where my daughter got accidentally pierced with a paper clip, this was not highlighed to us or to the carer who did the pickup. We only seen this during bath time and asked our DD what happened, to which she responded that she was asked to put a tissue on it. Went to the school the next day, teacher had no idea this happened, the person responsabile for play time was not at work, mailed them. Formal reply was that ,,this was not an major incident''. Again, unacceptable - back and forth with emails, and my only request was that all accidents in relation to my daughter in playtime/school time to be reported in writing and on the telephone-they agreed in the end.

4). Transport to the old school - we had to take public transport to the old school, whilst this one is walking distance.

This were in a nutshell the main issues.

Thak you veru much for your kind reply. All the practical points noted.