Please reassure me that my suddenly rude and grumpy 3 year old is just going through a phase........

[jojo76]

Arrrggghh, my 3 year old ds, who has always been tantrum prone and short fused seems to have mutated in the last couple of weeks in to The Most Rude Boy In The World. Whereas his tantrumy behaviour was starting to calm down, he seems to have ramped it up a notch recently and now collapses on the floor in a kicky bodypopping screaming heap at the slightest thing. He also seems to have lost the ability of saying please and thanks and has started sayuing things like "MUMMY I want Juice NOW!" Also he is deliberately really rude to a lady who drops off her son to me (am a childminder, and so yes should know exactly what to do here, but am at at bit of a loss, tbh) and when she speaks to him he pulls a grumpy face and turns away or buries his face and sort of harumphs. I encourage him to answer but dont know whether i should insist he is polite (he understands about being polite) or ignore, as im mindful about making it a really big issue. Its embarassing though. He has also started hitting me and even tried to headbutt a couple of times, which he had never done before, and which i find really hard to deal with, I usually time him out for it and tell him we dont hit in this house because it hurts.
The last thing that bothers me is that we have to ask him to do / stop doing things so many times, he just ignores until you physically pick him up and remove him or whatever.
I suppose im finding this really infuriating and irrationally, I really feel horrified that he will get worse not better if I dont come up with some strategies that work!
Please, help me to stay sane, he's driving me mad and I feel like I'm struggling a bit!!!!!

He's testing the boundaries and it is just a phase!

I think most people agree that they get better by about 18

"Zagazoo" by Quentin Blake sums it up perfectly.

Yes, he is testing you. It is infuriating.
If he gets really impossible, start removing toys as a direct result of his actions.
Last night DH refues to play tickles with DD any more after she slammed her empty cup in front of me and yelled "there!" to indicate she wanted it filled.
She was mortified but we stuck to our guns.
We never respond to demands or rudeness, we point out we always say please and thankyou to each other that includes mum, dad and DD.
He wants to know if his ability to be rude/naughty is bigger than your will to want good/reasonable behaviour.

Calmness is needed. He might also get upset if you leave and read a book somewhere else, on your own. Withdrawing attention can work well if they are goading you. It will aslo help calm you down.

If he is physically violent, just remove yourself from him and say it is wrong. I always say to DD no matter how much screaming and whining she does that hitting is wrong always, rudeness is wrong...this will not change and all she is doing is upsetting herself for no reason.

Yep, boundary testing. Hard work, but the only answer is to make sure you set clear boundaries and are consistent.

I'd be tempted to ignore the rudeness for now, but maybe have a quiet word with the lady to tell her that you are deliberately ignoring it to reduce the appeal, so she understands you don't just think it's ok! And reassure her that you don't let him do anything which could hurt her child.

And keep ignoring the demands and tantrums, and praising even moderately polite behaviour, and hopefully he'll see soon that reasonably good behaviour is the best way to get nice mummy in return!

definitely a phase..........will last til his twenties when he leaves home!

sorry OMDB missed that bit of your post!

wish I could but my rude and grumpy three year old turned six last week!!!

thank you, everyone, for the replies, I feel much better for reading them (even the ones which say this phase lasts into adulthood I hadn't thought about him trying to test the boundaries AGAIN. Bugger, thought we'd already done that last year!! Good idea about talking to the mum, may put a note in the baby's diary to just explain tactics and that I'm dealing with it. I think that's one of the worst things, I would hate to think that she thinks he's out of control, or that he would hurt the baby, because he loves the baby (and his own little brother who's the same age) and is actually really sweet to him...
right, will try to stay calm and consistant and hope that this phase will pass soon......

With you Jojo76, as our angel DD (3) has recently morphed into a little madam! Repeat the mantra 'This too shall pass...' several thousand times daily!

My sister used to say that her daughter was a 'Threenager' and now I've got one myself, I know exactly what she means!

We have similar problems here. All came to a head on holiday recently. Dh and I v sad about how grumpy and shouty he was and then made us.

The thing that we did and appreciate we were on holiday at the time was to really, really remind ourselves about distraction and giving them choices they can deal with. I know it's obvious but it did help us to really think through the situations we were struggling with and try and find some ways out of the standoffs. So a few ideas could be something along the lines of, total distyraction, as she turns up, oh no I think I've forgotten my keys do you know where they are, what a crisis, can you find them for me, where are they, what will I do etc.

Could you try I wonder whether she'll come in a (blue car today, do you think, or maybe it will be red. Which car do you think it will be? Could try a timing thing is she here yet, when will she come, use the clock or a kitchen timer or something to make the entrance exciting. Oh no, is she late, what's happened, do you think there's a car crash or a traffice jam etc. Or what about giving DS a job to do when xxx chid turns up, so I really need your help today, can you get ready to take his bag for me, I don't know what I'll do without you. Or you could give him a choice about meeting her with you or not. Would you like to stay here and play with your xxx or would you like to come and see xxx when they arrive? You can choose, Choose which you want and make whiever one seem more attractive. You can come with and meet xx if you're polite, but if you don't feel like being polite then you should stay with your cars or whatever. Do you think you can get a fantastic traffice jam or whatever ready for us when we come back. Then make big fuss etc blah.

Also think other advice about telling the mum and if she's nice enlist her support. We had similar with DS who just hated childminder's partner despite a year of constant everyday contact. Eventually we got childminder's DS to make a big fuss of DS, made the effort to bend down to his height, a massive difference given he's 8ft whatever and also gave him a tiny present one day. Made a huge difference and DS has been fine since, if a bit shy still sometimes since.

Will watch other advice here with interest.

Oh god please let it be a phase I have a 3 going on 13 year old too who can be just like this!

bumbling, thanks for your suggestions, thats a good idea to get him excited about the baby and mum arriving, i had been playing it down, but maybe i will try your idea and see how that goes, im willing to try anything!!! Choices are also good, its good when its not raining as hes usually in the garden so not there in the room when she arrives...
the mum is so lovely and has lots of children in her family, so i dont think shes horrified, im probably more bothered than she is LOL!
I think the worst thing about all this is that i find his behaviour so deliberately rude. Today he looked at me at the breakfast table with that glint in his eye and yelled "Mummy, GET MY BREAKFAST. NOW!!" I know he does it because he knows i find it awful, and obviously i insisted that he asked in a more polite way, which resulted in headbutting attempts (pretty weedy ones but attempts never the less), hitting and screaming, and he ended up on the door mat on time out.

what a way to start the day. and theres his baby brother enjoying copying all the screaming and shouting in the highchair, so i guess he will take up the mantle in about a year and a half. sigh.