3 year old reactive at nursery

[Fizxy]

Just wondering if anyone has experienced similar and can give me some advice or some hope that this like most things is just a phase 😬

DD is almost 4 and has been at this nursery since sept. She enjoys going but nursery seem to have a few issues in relation to her behaviour and her being quite reactive (hitting out mostly) when she gets frustrated. We don’t really see this behaviour at home even though she has a younger sibling who really does try and push her buttons at times. She’s really kind and caring and although she can be a little emotional at home (mostly when she’s tired) it all seems quite normal/typical for what you’d expect from a 3 year old.

Her behaviour at nursery doesn’t seem to be improving much despite us constantly addressing it with her. She even bite another child recently which she’s never ever done before (even as a baby/young toddler) which was mortifying as I know she knows better than this at almost 4. We’re finding it hard because we obviously want to be giving her a consistent message about her behaviour but because we don’t really have the same issues we’re always just working on what nursery have told us. Nursery keep telling us they’re supporting her but they’re at a bit of a loss and to be honest I’m not sure what this really looks like that they have put in place. The other day she told us she was made to go and sit on her own - fine, I get the consequence is you don’t get to play with your friends if you’ve not been kind but I also wonder if sitting her on her own is really supporting her manage these big feelings and emotions she has? Nursery will often tell us they’re not sure what the trigger is but when I talk with her she’s always able to tell me what happened in the lead up and what made her feel angry. I know that she can’t keep hitting out when she feels angry or upset so this is what I’m trying to work on with her but I’m worried that nursery think I’m playing down or trying to justify her behaviour when I’m trying to look for a ‘reason’ or ‘cause’. When I’m really not, I’m just trying to work out what’s she’s struggling with and how to better help her other than just keep punishing her for hitting out. I know it’s a busy nursery now too so they are stretched and there’s only so much they can do/see when they have 30 kids running around.

we really want to nip this behaviour in the bud before she starts school as she’s going to be one of the youngest and I’m worried this is all going to become more amplified for her. She’s always been a really bubbly, smiley and confident little girl and I’m worried that us constantly ‘getting on’ at her is starting to make her unhappy and miserable (but at the same time we need her to know her behaviour is not ok). She’s a really sociable girl too and loves making friends but I’m worried that kids will (understandably) pull away from her if she keeps hurting them. I really don’t want her to start associating nursery/school with negativity and it impact on her self esteem or her start to become anxious about school. I don’t know how to get the balance right for her so if anyone has any advice or words of wisdom I’d appreciate it 😄

Hopeful bump as we’ve had another bad day today 😩

How long is her day at Nursery @Fizxy? Abd what is she telling you that is leading up to her outbursts?

@BunnyRuddington thanks for responding. It’s a school nursery so she does 6.5hrs if she’s there for a full day but sometimes I pick her up at lunchtime when I’m not working. I thought she might be struggling with the full days but sometimes even when she’s just done half a day they have the same challenges.

The triggers are normally friendship related. If someone says they’re not her friend anymore she finds that really hard. Having said that this week the triggers have been (to us) really minor - for example wanting to put the same toy away as another child and them then squabbling over it. She’s always able to tell us what’s made her angry or upset she’s just very impulsive and reactive in the moment and can’t control herself. Last night when we were talking it through she got quite cross with herself because she knows she shouldn’t do it. She started hitting herself and saying her brain was stupid for not reminding her 😩. There’s been a lot of tears (mine) because I just worry we’re not getting it right and hearing her say that last night was heartbreaking when she’s only 3. We gave her lots of reassurance that this isn’t the case etc but it’s just such a worry that we’re creating more problems for her in the long run if we don’t get it right.

Hi OP. I work in early years/primary education. Sounds like she’s having trouble with emotional regulation when triggered.

This is not uncommon in 3yo’s but if it continues to get worse speaking to your GP may be beneficial. Have nursery arranged a meeting with the SENCO about this? Might be worth mentioning it to them and setting one up so you’re all on the same page with how to support her.

Have nursery got a “calm corner” or something of the sort that she can go to and calm herself down if she feels herself getting angry? Maybe something you can bring up with them and try at home too. Working with her on recognising the signs of when she gets angry and what anger feels like so she knows before she’s about to explode will be beneficial. Role playing situations that trigger her and practising what she should do in those situations could help.

Talking about her feelings and doing regular emotional check ins could help too. Is this something nursery do regularly? If not, that’s something to ask about too. Being able to label feelings is a brilliant skill to help with emotional regulation. Inside Out is a particularly good movie/tool for helping children visualise this and there are lots of great story books you can get too.

I would advise you to set up a meeting with nursery to discuss this asap.

Also, work on building up her self esteem. Let her see that everyone gets frustrated and makes mistakes sometimes and she doesn’t need to punish herself for it. Let her see you making mistakes and modelling how to deal with the frustration that comes with that. Again, story books can be a great resource here.

Good luck, OP. Let us know how you get on and if you need any more advice.

Thanks @Banannananathats really helpful advice. She’s 100% struggling with emotional regulation when she gets triggered. I think at home we’re probably better at preempting stuff and managing it in ways we know will help her, whereas obviously 3-4 year olds aren’t going to tread as carefully with her.

Nursery haven’t suggested a meeting yet but I did think last night this might be helpful. They don’t seem concerned about there being any additional/special needs. They have reassured me today that on the whole there’s no concerns about her behaviour, she’s a really lovely, kind and caring girl in nursery but she has these one off moments most days where she reacts. But then other than these ‘moments of madness’ she’s actually regulated and ok. I’ll definitely ask about the calm corner. She knows she should walk away but maybe knowing where she can walk to would be helpful. We do encourage calm time at home where we will sit with her for a bit if she looks like she’s getting a bit tetchy.

I’ve just ordered her a book last night about emotions too. She is quite good at telling us how she is feeling - she will tell us if she feels excited, angry, or sad (or disappointed or annoyed - there her 2 favourites at the moment) and what’s made her feel this way so she does do ok at labelling her emotions at home but again I think it’s easier for us to swoop in and talk to her when we can see she’s wobbling whereas nursery can’t always do this. I’ll try the role play too. Interestingly she did do this a bit last night with her teddies and she said 1 had bitten another and we spoke about how the Teddy might be feeling etc. I’ll try and keep doing this with her.

As far as I know nursery do have an emotional check in with them but I don’t know how often they do it. There’s a chart on the wall where they can put if they’re feeling happy or sad etc. So I can check this with them again.

I do really want to focus on her self-esteem because she’s always been bubbly and confident and I don’t want this to affect her. I’ll have another chat with her tonight about it being ok to make a mistake and not to punish herself. Me and DH have also spoken about us not punishing her at home for stuff that’s happened at nursery. Obviously we want to be consistent but I think when she’s already had a consequence in nursery then maybe we just need to leave it at that and just reiterate the message at home that we don’t hurt others etc.

thanks again, I’m already starting to feel a bit more hopeful today 😄