How do I cope with a 3 year old that just won't listen or do as he's told?

[desperatelyseekingsleep]

DS1 has turned into a nightmare child over the last week or so. He's permanently distracted, doesn't listen to anything I say and just won't do as he's told. I'm finding myself getting increasingly angry with him which is just making the situation worse. How do I deal with this and make him listen? I thought the terrible twos were bad but this is even worse - will it ever get better or have I just landed myself with a willful disobedient child? Just as an example today, he wouldn't get into the car in a multi-storey car park, after various threats about no telly before bedtime etc, I ended up trying to manhandle him in. This made him really angry to the point where he made himself hoarse with screaming and crying, everyone was staring at us, presumably thinking what an appalling mother I was, as by this time, I was shouting at him too... I jsut feel like such a failure that I can't even handle a 3 year old without turning into a screaming banshee. I'm so fed up of people giving me that "poor you" look. Is it me or is it him? Am I going to end up on Supernanny?[trying to be funny in a desperate circumstance emoticon]

I don't go out with my 3 year-old 3 is the worst age IMO and IME

It is very reassuring to read this thread!

I realised that 3 was challanging... just not quite how challenging.

All the post discribe my DS1 who is 3.4 to a tee - typical behaviour .... lots of crying at the drop of a hat because something didn't go his way.
Most infurating is the focus on the negative - been to the park had a great time, then on the way home will suddenly go off on 'I didn't go on the slide i wanted to go on the slide' or been to visit grandparents had a great time on the trike outside all afternoon then in the car 'I didn't play with the train track I want the train track etc.etc.'

Drives me bonkers!

I also have 123 magic - and it does make a difference. He knows the counting has a consequence but he has been known to refuse to come out of the time-out and carry on crying on the step or where-ever for another 1/2 hour rather than give in and re-join the family.

Ok, here's a tactic that works every time with my 2.11 yr old ds1.

I read about it on MN, thought "how naff, there's someone who does't know the meaning of the word 'tantrum' if they think this'll work. I bet they have some perfectly behaved little cherub who just once in a blue moon doesn't comply immediately. It'll never work." So I didn't try it for a long time.

I was wrong. Veeeeeery veeeeeery wrong. It works.

And it's easy

Obv try and avoid a tantrum, but once they're going full throttle just say "don't laugh", and b*gger me, they immediately dissolve into giggles. Keep saying it and they laugh long enough that they (and you!) forget what they were tantrumming about in the first place.

(Oh good, as I'm typing, dh is about to leave for work, have just overheard him saying to ds1 "are you going to be good for Mum?" and ds1 saying "no"... I may come back to this thread later...)

Thank God, I and more importantly DS are normal!!!! At the moment every time my mum rings DS goes mad, jumping around, shoving settee cushions in my face and shouting bugger and shove it up your bum at loud volume. My mum is then on to me, where did he learn that etc (both from me but I deny this- blame nursery )I haven't said it a lot and try to be careful in ds presence but I no angel and he gets me so mad sometimes!
SO she thinks I am a rubbish mum and ds is totally out of control. Dh is away and I know solution is to have long phone calls when ds is asleep but that isn't always practical.
When I pick ds up from nursery he will run off and take at least 20 mins sometimes to come from nursery and get in car. I had no idea that 3 was so hard and just what a force they are to be reckoned with. Every day can feel like one long battle tbh but yes there are good times too, like when he tells me I am his best friend and that I am perfect
I just keep telling myself it is a phase, stick him in his room if I feel like I could hit him and remind myself that it will be better one day!

2happy's suggestion sounds rather hilarious - even I have found myself giggling over it. I will definitely try it on my DD who is nearly 4 and starting to cry foul over the most trivial matters and screaming 'I don't like you anymore, mummy .. you are not my friend'. I really must try this 'don't laugh' technique. Will report how it went.

You are so not alone. I'm in the midst of terrible 2s with dd2 and terribly terrible 3s with dd1!!! Some days are an absolute nightmare where I just wish I hadn't bothered getting out of bed. dd2 has the highest pitched scream in the world and it winds dd1 up and dd2 obviously copies everything her big sister does. SO if dd2 has a shrieking meltdown dd1 starts yelling shut up shut up . . . . and they're both yelling. If dd1 has a tantrum then dd2 has one just for the fun of it. I pay absolutely no attention to anyone that may stare in shops etc (I just figure they've been through it and are thanking their lucky stars they're out the other side or they have no kids and I just laugh to myself and think "just you wait") Mainly I try to stay calm. DH has just come around to this way of thinking and admits it is far better - even on the odd occasion that it doesn't end the tantrum quicker then at least your blood pressure hasn't risen.
Last night dd1 threw a massive fit over her bedtime story (no-one has any clue where it came from) She screaming,wailing, thrashing, stamping, snot and tears pouring down her little tomato red scrunched up face. I sat on DH's lap instead and he read me the story!!!! The look on her face when she realised what was going on was priceless. She soon calmed down. I think sometimes doing the unexpected really phases them. I definitely agree with the pick your battles line. Who on earth wants to spend every minute saying "NO" "Put that down" etc. I find the less I tell her to do/not to do, the more likely she is to obey those few instructions.

dd2 on the other hand???? She is a force to be reckoned with. Once she goes that's it. Game over.

my 2.2 yr old dd does absolutely nothing i ask as a matter of course. i offer her the 'do you want to go to the bathroom to wash your hands or should mummy carry you?' options constantly but she just runs off laughing or screaming depending on how she's feeling.

I've stopped counting her tantrums as they're just constant, over everything. I have a very weak lower back and last time i had her weighed she was 2 and a half stone...so lifting her constantly is crippling me.

I try and stand my ground with her but honestly i end up giving in about 30% of the time just because i don't want to end up having a stroke over the fact that she's climbing the walls at bedtime. I've tried the involvement technique but it only works for about 5 seconds before she loses interest in trying to help me pull up her trousers/find her socks etc.

She demands to be taken to the park etc but then refuses to stay still for even a second so that i can get her ready. so then i give up and say 'ok we'll just stay here then, if you won't let mummy put your shoes on'. then of course, all hell breaks loose.

LOL cheekymonk at where to shove things! You know the day will come when its MIL on the phone when he shouts it of course

my 3 year old DD can be DREADFUL

I do just pick her up and plonk her in the car seat etc., but the problem is she is very tall and heavy easily the size of a fairly hefty 4/5 year old) and freakishly strong and mandhandling her is quite an undertaking

but things are getting better and I am learning (!) to be more patient. We've had a bit of a shitty day today (prob lots to do with me only getting 3 hours sleep, courtesy of DS ), but it DOES help knowing you're all out there with your exasperating 3 year olds!

I@m going to do that "don't laugh" thing, next time DS has a tantrum, I will report back, it won't take long don't worry, they are about 4 minutes apart at the moment.

You should be at my house some days.
Ds2 2.10 has started having tantrums,if he can't have everything he wants.I just leave him to it,and go into another room.He soon calms down and carrys on like nothing happen.
Dd3 7yrs and dd4 6 yrs spend more time telling me, what the other one has been doing wrong than playing.
Dd1 17yrs thinks she is the mom and tries to make Dd2 14yrs do things for her.But Dd2 won't do anything for anybody at the moment,unless there is something in it for her.
Ds1 has left home,i wonder why.I do see him more now that he's left,usally to lend something or other.
But don't worry they do get better.

also agree that they are marvellously well behaved at nursery. They don't beleive if I go in in the morning and say sorry but he is being rather unruly this morning, "What? No! Can't beleive that of H, he is always such a good helpful boy!". Great , but

I can vouch for the "don't laugh" thing. I saw 2happy use it the other day and was gobsmacked how well it worked on her incredibly stroppy handsome ds!!

Mind you I tried it on dd the other day and she just screamed even louder then wet herself .

PMSL!!!

I recommend these books so often I think I shall save a link:

How to Talk

uncond parenting

They are both great for this age range, IME, but as part of a parenting toolkit rather than the elusive magic wand.

I love 2Happy's idea, am going to try this one soon.

I'm going to try out the 'don't laugh' thing too!

Ds is usually very good, but occasionally gets into a crying / stomping 'jag' that can go on for a few minutes - I'm usually quite sympathetic to begin with, then I go on to the 'I don't want to listen to this, so I'm going to go and do something else and when you feel better come and find me and we'll do x'. I find this can work, as he loses his audience and gets bored. It also stops me throttling him!

Distraction and madly enthusiastic Joyce Grenfell-type commenting on passing tractors / bicycles / birds / cars usually helps if he doesn't want to go somewhere or get in the car.

My dd is 3.7 and has also turned into a nightmare in the past few weeks. Will not do a thing she's told. I seem to be losing my temper with her every 10 minutes- it's like she's doing it for her entertainment, pushing me to breaking point. Tonight when I was telling her that she's get no pudding if she didn't finish her dinner, she told me "Yes I will because I make the rules" .

She was great in her 2's- never one to tantrum. I'm so glad you started this thread as it's really been worrying me, I never seem to hear anyone else complain about their 3 year olds.

I have noticed recently that DS2 may be having tantrums when he is hungry and suffering low blood sugar. The other day he was having massive tantrum in the car and I said "are you hungry?" ~ he snapped out of it immediately and peacefully ate a ham sandwich. So the answer is never go out without a packed lunch up your sleeve.
Itching to try the 'don't laugh' suggestion.

My favourite (?) is when my dd (2.4) looks away when I'm telling her off / asking her not to do X and REFUSES to look at me. Luckily she doesn't know the phrase "I can't hear you" or she'd be shouting it all the time. It is amazing, though, how she can go from happy little angel to screaming banshee in a split second.

Comic relief does help sometimes. Whilst getting ready for bed and mid-strop this evening I got sufficiently irritated that I decided I was just going to brush her !@$$% teeth mid-strop (but went at it with fake enthusiasm). It ended in the two of us in giggles and me fake-brushing her nose / cheek / arm, etc. Distraction really is a miracle if you can keep your head together enough to do it. Sometimes, though, it seems impossible not to scream.

dont know if it helps me but i was a teacher for quite a while and am now not working due to baby arriving soon
i have strict routines in my house i guess like at a school or nursery
i have a strong willed 4 year old
6 year old and a 7 year old and 16 autisitic son
so quite a full house
many parents have said my child behaves at nursery but not home
bounderies are so important and never to late to do just take a while to kick in for them
danny whos 4 knows my bounderies i have never smacked my kids yep have shouted but i feel even that is not needed really
they have little jobs or tasks we make it fun
routines like after b/fast wash teeth etc or no tv time (half term)or games whatever
if i have 1 that does not comply then he misses out not the others
my boys tend work in a team so they help each other,i hear the 7 yr old old whispering come on guys w havnt got long or we cant do ur choosing time (usually nintendo wii)
this frees my time up to shower get dinner whatever i need to
ok i dont like full on supermarket shopping so much but we do it every week with all of us
they have lists,every one has a job to do we can be the loudest family in there but laughing not screaming
at the till they all have to put there own things on and they take ages other ppl moan but who cares my proirity is keeping it a happy calm event not what other parents think
parenting is the hardest job ive ever had to do and before i was in charge of 40+ 4 year olds
incidently i take mine everywhere long haul plane flights etc...... restaurants.....
oh i have a giant egg timer to if they need a time out they hold it for 3 mins
hey any special treats can out and they do come out whist someones got that
they do not want a time out
agree with distraction best thing ever

also if your DC is to young to tell the time and he/she wants there tv on sweets whatever and you are busy
get a bell and alarm they have to wait till it goes of then its time to have it countdown make it fun hurry up in the meantime and finish what you need to
i uses to have break the day up in chunks with them
morning tidy upmake it fun
lunch come and help me choose make your own yep even at 3
load d/washer
play or a snuggle time for an hour
maybe park walk the dog
help me fix dinner
pretty full on day bath at 6.30 bed by 7
im exhausted by then
i need to rest
half term next week so its pretty much this for me
i have 7 weeks left till new baby its gettin harder now

Just thought of something else that works, similar to the 'don't laugh' trick: tell them to do x in the silliest way possible (works for ds1 to wash his face, otherwise he would look like a street urchin).

Yep my 2.10 yr-old does it too. I've definitely noticed it's linked to being hungry. E.g. if it's lunchtime and he's happily playing he'll suddenly flip about nothing and I'll have a battle to get him to wash his hands or sit down to eat. But once he's had a few mouthfulls he's completely transformed. So now I try to get food ready before he gets to the really hungry stage.

Also one thing that worked out of the blue when he was tired and worked up into a complete state: I suddenly had a flash of inspiration, stopped being stern and shouty and and asked gently if he wanted a cuddle. To my amazement he said yes, and then calmed down. Obviously wouldn't work every time though.

The refusing to get in the car - or arching back so I can't put the seatbelt on - is incredibly frustrating when you're late to get somewhere. If I can get a grip of myself I somtimes say, 'how many cuddles would you like? If you sit properly you can have -- four cuddles?' That works sometimes. I also notice that when I'm tired and stressed about getting somewhere, then his behaviour gets worse - he seems to pick up on it.