DS behaviour driving friends away

[Peanutflips]

DS (8.5) has always been a bit ‘too much’ at times. In recent months it has really ramped up. He sits on our laps pressing his forehead on our faces, or digging his chin into our shoulders. We firmly tell him we don’t like it and if he continues we (gently) push him off. I’ve explained 1000 times that if someone says stop then you stop. I’ve explained that I love to cuddle him, but the pressing is not nice for me.

I picked him up from sport club last night and from a distance could see him getting right in the face of another boy. He was speaking in a silly voice and putting his forehead on the other boy’s forehead. The other boy was clearly getting annoyed and trying to push him away.

I’ve seen this happen a few times now. DS has mentioned that no one wants to play with him at school. He doesn’t seem to understand that his behaviour is pushing people away, that they don’t like it. He’s a sweet and clever boy, but always pushes too far and doesn’t behave in a way that is going to make him friends.

How can I explain this to him without crushing his (already fragile) self esteem?

Hmmm, I think I'd try a two-pronged approach. Firstly, social stories (google for ones about personal space or hugging too tight or similar) about it to help him understand – it's often easier to take this kind of thing in through a story, when they can explicitly hear from both sides and it's not actually about them. It feels less like criticism, however kindly delivered.

Secondly, it sounds like he's wanting a particular sort of feeling, a pressing or a squeezing, maybe. I'd try to find other ways to meet that need that he can do regularly without crossing others' boundaries – maybe squish him under sofa cushions, under an exercise ball, or roll him up tight in a blanket? Or maybe just give him tight hugs with his face pressed against your shoulder? Or maybe one of those squeezy stress toys he could squeeze with his hands, press against his face, or dig into with his chin? It could be a sort of silly experiment you do together, to find the things that work for him.

I think that all of skkye’s suggestions are really good. I just wanted to add that you might want to try him with a weighted blanket at night as that might also help his desire to feel hugged.