My 19 year old is abusive

[Feelingoutofmydepthe]

My 19 year old son has ADHD and so do I. He is smart, thoughtful and emotionally intelligent in all situations apart from at home with me. I will hold my hands up and take some responsibility - his father left when he was 11 and it was hugely traumatic for all and my son emotionally shut down. I tried to reach him for years and it started coming to a head when he was 16 when his mental health started to nose dive. I supported him and he’s been speaking to a therapist ever since. I’ve over compensated over the years, thinking I could make up for the terrible time he was having and he was then diagnosed with ADHD. Like I said he’s brilliant 90% of the time but he’s gotten into a rut, dropped out of university and is lying in bed all day and staying up all night. He’s not in education but doesn’t seem hugely motivated to work. He’s not depressed, he takes ADHD medication and is content and level in the main. He is incredibly clever - He’s not motivated to do a job he’s not got an interest in but that’s life right? He believes he’s destined to great things but not actually doing anything to make it happen. I’ve been significantly tougher with him for about six months but when I push back, he gets verbally abusive and aggressive (calls me awful names / punching walls in his bedroom) On Friday I’d had enough - I was working from home (I have a crazy stressful job and a lot of pressure on my shoulders - I also pay for everything on my own) and it got to 4pm and he was still in bed. I was fuming and went upstairs and told him to stop being a bum and sort himself out. He started getting aggressive towards me and pushed me. It didn’t knock me over but it was a hard push. I know once he calmed down he would’ve been mortified, but he hasn’t spoken to me since let a lone apologised. I haven’t spoken to him either - A; because I don’t know what to say and B; I’m so angry and think why should I be the one yet again to start dialogue, he’s an adult. I’m just too exhausted by it all l. So now we are on day three of ignoring each other. What do I do, keep carrying on with my business and leave him to stew or try to talk to him?

I'm so sorry this happened.it must have been a shock when he pushed you as well as deeply upsetting. I understand it must be hard but I have an abusive family member and I wish to God that we had set some firm boundaries the first time they were verbally and physically abusive as things escalated.

If you feel confident doing so, I would approach him and say that you will no longer tolerate that kind of behaviour anymore and that he has a month to find himself employment (and a place to live if you feel he is better off elsewhere). You can tell him you love him and will support him in finding his feet but him living under your roof in this way will damage the relationship further.

I feel like if he isn't given boundaries, he could end up in this rut for years which will be difficult for you both.

Thank you for your kind words. I have asked his father to get him to live with him, which he is ok with but only if he goes willingly, which he won’t. I have put time frames on and also calmly told him he needs to find somewhere else to live, but even when it’s calm he says it will take me calling the police to get him to leave. I know our relationship will be broken for good if I do that, so I feel helpless. I know to others he sings my praises and proud of what I’ve achieved without help the last few years, but to me he can be just so awful. I agree though, we would both be better off if he launched his adult life and left home - he tried it with university but he dipped so low we had to get the crisis team involved.

So why didn't uni work I wonder? Is there a way he could try again and make it easier for himself next time, somewhere nearby, somewhere very supportive etc. Maybe even somewhere that he can commute to from home if need be. With an ADHD diagnosis there should be support he can access. What is he interested in?

It was a combination of things. We didn’t know he had ADHD, without the structure of school and home he spiralled and couldn’t manage basics like remembering to eat. School had masked it all. He also chose the wrong course - politics and economics. We’ve talked about trying a degree that suits him better and we live close to some great universities but he isn’t interested in classroom based learning. He’d suit a degree apprenticeship and I’ve researched emergency response ones with the police force / paramedic, as these types of careers suit people with ADHD but they run academically and he’s too late for this year.