DS1 keeps telling me he is sorry but he doesn't love me or like me... I am feeling fragile and..

[jingleyjen]

although I know he doesn't realise whay he is saying it hurts sooo much.

what can I do?

He walks over to me as if he wants a hug, I put my arms out and he says, I don't want a hug, I'm sorry Mummy but I don't love you today.

Feeling quite fragile at the moment and I just made things a whole lot worse by asking him to go and play in his room, if you don't like or love me I suggest we spend some time apart.

He is playing in his room, I have tried to play with him but he just said, I still don't like or love you Mummy, so I have left him to it.

I just want to sob..

How do I stop this getting to me so badly?

sorry to hear youre finsing it hard right now.

Have you asked him why?, how old is he?, when he says it tell him you're sorry he feels like that but YOU will always love him, even if he does something you dont like..maybe he will explain his words then?

he is just 4,

he hasn't ever been cuddly but is normally quite lovely.

is he at nursery/reception??
sounds like something he's heard someone else say ie: im not your friend im not playing with you..or he may be n a strop if youve said he cant do something..either way, he doesnt mean it and you need to get him talking..go offer him a walk to the shops for an ice lolly , ask if he'll help you put washing out or something..he wont refuse that and you can chat along the way..that way he may open up or it may just be forgotten about..hope so

do you know me?
he will do anything for an icelolly and I have a load of washing sat by the back door waiting to be pegged out

I know he doesn't know the consequences of his words and I don't want to get heavy with him but he has to stop saying these things otherwise it will tip me over the edge!

LOL, bet that was scary reading that then..were you looking for the hidden camera??

I knwo he doesnt know, but your right he does have to understand he cant say it, get him out/on neutral ground(garden/lolly shop and talk about 'a friend' who was really upset because x said y..do you think that made x feel sad?, why do you think x said those things?...dont make it about him, then he may link the two and relate to your 'friend'?..good luck chick

well not sure what advise to give but maybe just say oh well mummy still loves you and if you want a cuddle then you know where i am

maybe his doing it as he can see it upsets you just smile and say well i love you

mummy is going to do so sand so whatever he may be interested in do you want to do it with me

sorry if advise sounds rubbish but havent dealt with this situation personally

The best reaction to a 4year-old's 'I don't love you' is to laugh and say 'well, never mind, I've got enough love for the two of us'.

It sounds as if you have other things going on in your life, if you feel so upset by the normal comments of a small child. But you must remember that he is not responsible for those other things and that it is totally unreasonable to expect him to help you. You need more adult help and support.

If you rely on a 4-year-old to make you feel supported, then this is bad, both for him and you. However indifferent he may seem, this sort of thing can frighten a child badly and leave him feeling insecure. Please make sure you have a grown-up to talk to.

It just means that he's secure in YOUR love without being able to articulate that in to words.

He doesn't know what love is. He just takes it for granted.

What he means is "I'm not feeling affectionate today Mummy, and I don't NEED a hug and I don't really care if you do or you don't neeed a hug".

Harsh, but my 5 yr old dd is the same. Affection is all on her terms, and if I try to wash her hair she will tell me she doesn't love me.

Cory, that's a good reply. I'll say that to my dd next time she says "Well I don't love you" (because you are making me go to bed) eg.

It would upset me if my ds said this in the future so I can totally see why it would make the op feel fragile. Regardless of whatever else is going on with you, I think it's normal to be hurt by his comments.

However, just to repeat what everyone else said, he really isn't aware of the severity of what he's saying and he doesn't mean it. He's probably just trying to make himself feel independant. It's nothing to worry about. HE DOES LOVE YOU! He is just so secure in the knowledge that whatever he says, mummy will always love him so lets push the boundaries a bit. Completely normal but bloody frustrating!

Agree with Elizabeth that he probably just means he doesn't NEED your affection or hugs at the moment and wants a bit of time to himself.

Don't get too upset, i'm sure he'll be telling you how much he loves you again by next week. Kids are fickle little creatures!

Who on earth is saying this to him that is making him repeat it in such a manner???

VVVQV- I don't think anyone needs to be saying it to him: it is a perfectly normal thing for a child his age to come up with off his own bat. It can mean all sorts of things:

'I am in a bad mood with you'

'I am going to test this and see what happens'

'I need to be reassured that you will love me whatever I do'

I remember vividly a conversation I had with dd when she was not quite 3 (can't remember what I had done to make myself unpopular):

Dd: I don't love you any more!
Cory: Well, never mind, I am still your Mummy and I will always love you whatever you do.
Dd: Not when I'm grown up.
Cory: Yes, even when you're grown up, darling. You may want to go and live in your own house when you're grown up, but I'll still be your Mummy and I'll still love you.
Dd: No, you'll be dead then.

Don't you bank on it, my daughter, don't you bank on it!

I would add that dd and I, despite occasionally getting on each other's nerves, have always been extremely close and I have never for a moment believed that she did not love me. In this particular case, she was expressing mild annoyance. At other times, she has wanted to be reassured of my love.

I can vividly recall telling my mum that I didn't like her, didn't love her, when I was about five or six. She just replied, well that makes mummy sad because she loves you very much.

I was testing her, and so is your DC. Don't fret it - distract him from the issue and find something to do together that he likes ie ice lolly! Always works.

Oh don't be silly

They all say that, particularly when you switch off the wii and insist that homework be done

He will snap out of it. You will get plenty of hugs and kisses and probably an apology too tomorrow.

The worst thing you can do is make a big deal out of it

thanks ladies,
I KNOW he doesn't mean it,
I am feeling fragile at the moment for other reasons, and I do worry how much he has picked up from recent events in the household.
We say the Love word alot in this house, he does feel secure and I think that Elizabeth has hit the nail on the head, he has never been a physically affectionate child and he is just vocalising that now his language skills are improving. I guess as they improve further he will say Don't cuddle me I don't like it.

I hope that as I get better I will take these things less personally.
Thanks again x

dd does this to test me sometimes.

it stings but if you just smile and say 'well i love you anyway' it makes them feel secure. she did it the other day and a few hourslater i asked her 'do you love me a little bit now?' and she said 'no........ i love you a big bit'

let him test the boundries, that's all it is. he wants to be reassured that you'll love him no matter what.

instead of getting overly upset just do a big obviously fake sad face, then grin and say 'well i love you'.