Can a nursery manager be this blunt to me?

[Daisy3011]

Hi all,

This event happened on Friday and I’ve had a couple of days to mull over everything as I’ve been extremely upset.

My son turned 3 in January, and he’s due to start nursery part time in September. We have been attending a 2 hour drop in play sessions on Fridays at a local nursery which we absolutely loved up until now.

My son did have a speech delay, but I didn’t really take it too seriously as he understood everything and interacted well with both adults and children. Today, you can understand around 80-90% of what he says although he can gibber but he is conversational and loves to play with other kids and generally is really friendly.

The nursery manager came up to me and commented how lovely it is to see my son playing with another kid and how he’s made a new friend. Which is why I was completely thrown back by the following remarks. She asked me whether I’ve had any checks done on him, after I told her we didn’t attend the two year check due to my anxiety over his development she said that I should have gone to it as “he definitely has something”.

What made this even worse is the fact there were other mums present, who were all looking at our interaction. She went on to say that she felt that my son does need 1 to 1 support which is why she didn’t allow my son to join the nursery for 15 hours a week for this term (I enquired last term whether they had any space to which she replied no, of course in hindsight I now know the reason why) as they didn’t have the funding for it.

She then asked me whether he speaks any words, to which I said yes he speaks and you can have a conversation with him. I asked her what made her come to this conclusion and she simply said that she’s had years of experience working with kids and it’s the way he interacted with other kids and she could “just tell”.

I dont know what has irked me more, the fact that she is a person of trust and the manner in which she approached me or the fact that she came to this conclusion without ever speaking to my son. The fact she asked me whether he speaks any words just goes to show how well she’s been observing him.

I did actually take her advice and rang the NHS so we could arrange a developmental check, but I feel really down. I had loads of anxiety over my son with each stage of development, I finally got to a point where I felt ok with him as he doesn’t strike to me as having any red flags. He can count, tell you his name, tell me how he is feeling, whether he needs the potty etc. he of course does have tantrums, and when he’d go to these play sessions he wouldn’t sit down with the other kids and listen to story time because he’d rather run around and play with the toys. These were never any concerns of mine as he’s not the only kid that wouldn’t participate, and he’s a 3 year old active boy.

Whats everyone take on this? Does anyone else have any similar stories and is it worth writing to the school to complain about how I approached?

It’s my first post on MM, sorry if it’s a bit long and thanks everyone who’s bothered to read.

It’s a bit odd that you haven’t done the developmental checks given you have observed a speech delay

however bloody hell… raising all this with you in front of other parents was not appropriate at all

you don’t sound very happy with the nursery. Maybe a new one for last year before school?

after I told her we didn’t attend the two year check due to my anxiety over his development she said that I should have gone to it as “he definitely has something”.

this was probably a little concerning from her perspective

Hello and welcome. I’m glad that you’ve plucked up the courage to post.

I think that the Nursery Manager has been clumsy in how she’s approached this but personally I wouldn’t complain just yet.

Instead i would do a couple of things this evening or over the next few days which will give you a clearer picture of what’s going on.

You've mentioned speech delay. How does he do on this SaLT progress checker. My DC2 had some speech delay and now does have difficulty with a particular aspect of communication but unless you spent a lot of time with them or were a trained SaLT you’d probably never notice. Let us know if it says that he needs some support and we can let you know what to do next

Then I’d fill in these two:

The 42 month Ages & Stages

& the 36 month Social & Emotional Ages & Stages.

I know that you’ve avoided assessments in the past but I think that now you’ve had this, rather clumsy, encounter with the Nusery Manager, it’s time to see if there are actually any concerns and if there are, get the appropriate support for your DS

OP, I really understand why you haven’t done the two year check. I had extreme anxiety over my son’s development. So much so, it ruined my life for a while if I’m honest as well as the enjoyment of my son. I really wouldn’t take what the nursery manager said as gospel. That time is really too short to assess him properly. My son goes to nursery full-time and they don’t always notice straight away that he can do new things, but I do. I would however do the development check with the HV and go from there. If there is something going on with him, then you’d be on the path to get help and that can never be wrong.

How are you this morning @Daisy3011?

Hello there!

Can I just say thank you SO much for your previous reply, the material you shared were actually very useful and going over it really calmed me down and look at everything objectively.

I did organise an appointment with the health visitor for a 40 month old check - who reassured me my son won’t need any follow up appointments because she didn’t think there was any reason to.

Still can’t get that nursery managers comment out of my head, and I still do find myself overanalysing every single action he does but I’m hoping in time I will calm down.

🙏🏼✨

Thats exactly how I feel. I was over the moon when I first became a mother but as time goes by I’m experiencing such anxiety it’s actually taking away the joy I want to feel in raising my children. I did end up having a 40 month old check up with a health visitor who reassured me my son won’t need any follow up appointments as she didn’t feel there was a reason to. Despite this reassurance, I still have that nursery managers comments on the back of my mind - I find myself constantly overanalysing every action my son does. Just hope I find the strength to become a stronger mother 😔❤️

I’m glad that the HV isn’t concerned. Did she use both the regular Ages & Stages and the Social and Emotional Ages & Stages? Using both together give a better picture of what’s going on.

As for mor being able to get past the Nursery Managers comments, it does sound as if they were well intentioned if not a bit clumsy in how she came across.

Have you asked for a meeting with her so that you can here her concerns fully and talk through each point with her?