5 year old daughter hitting me and telling me off! Please help..

[bellawilliams]

I have 3 young children and my eldest, DD1 is 5. Without putting her down too much she is a bit of an attention seeker and a drama queen (lots of tears, needs stimulation etc) but on the whole well behaved. However recently she gets very angry at nothing, or if you tell her off she flies off the handle slamming doors, and thinks nothing of shouting at me, or even hitting me.

my response has been to remove her, or to ignore it, and even to shout back when I've lost my temper. but to be honest nothing seems to have helped. We have a reward chart to praise good behaviour but recently have not been able to put many stickers on it!

She is by no means spoilt or indulged, if anything we are quite strict and she is not allowed to always get her own way.

I guess I just need some advice, and to know if other people have had this experience, and what they would recommend...

hi,my daughter is 4 and pretty much the same!
tried allsorts of things like naughty step etc but its not working,
she gets me really stressed at times but being pregnant and hormornal plus having a clingy 14 month old doesnt help either!
sorry cant give you any advice just wanted to say your not the only one going through it so stick in there!
lins xx

hi, my eldest is 5 as well and you could be describing her exactly. I have no advice to offer i'm afraid but will be watching with interest to see if anyone can help advise. Like you we praise good behaviour and remove her (or myself) from the situation for time out when necessary, but whilst it contains the situation at that time it isn't helping to improve it and everyday is the same. You're definitely not the only one experiencing this, hope things improve soon.

Ds has just turned 5 and he is the same. He clearly has no way he can deal with anger in some circumstances. Punishing etc has no effect as it seems to be something he can't control.

I can't say I have a solution but what I am trying to do at the moment is to speak very calmly and quitely to him and explain what he has done wrong and then send him to his room to calm down. We are also trying to give him strategies to cope with anger. We tell him when he feels that he has to lash out, he should close his eyes and count to 10 and imagine what will happen if he does shout/hit someone. This has some success, but getting him to remember to do it is a challenge.

I grab DSs wrists so he can't hit me (or ankles if he is kicking me) and say something like it's ok to be angry but not ok to hit me.

When he is calmer we usually talk about what made him angry, and try to come up with solutions to the problem.

It helps if you bear in mind that it might seem 'nothing' to you but whatever it is must be really important to them.

I should just ignore her completely when she is like that, except to say in a boring record type voice 'I will speak to you when you calm down'(if it helps leave the room). When she has calmed down discuss it, do some coping strategies as suggested by GooseyLoosey. Make sure that you give her attention when she is good. I wouldn't do stickers to reward her for what should be normal behaviour (but I don't like stickers anyway). My eldest DS couldn't handle frustration and anger at that age-he grew out of it eventually.

My DD is five and we have had a couple of mega tantrums recently - I am talking screaming at the top of her voice that she 'wants' something and then hitting out when for example we try to put her to bed. What amazes me is that 10 minutes later it is like it never happened. I don't think it is a problem, I think it is just her changing, I also wonder if it is related to hormones. It might sound stupid but I do ask her why she was like that, how she is feeling etc because it seems very similar to teenage behaviour. My DD is in reception and whilst she has taken to it like a duck to water it is a big change in our lives actually I am not surprised that she has these little outbursts. Its funny sometimes I get annoyed at small things but seem to be able to remain very calm when she gets like it!

This is very interesting - especially to hear that there are other DDs and DSs out there who are behaving in the same way.

At the moment I am trying very hard not to lose my own temper - sometimes going into another room if I feel I might. As soon as I sense another whirlwind from her coming on I cut it off quite quickly and send her out of the room.

I really think (like most bad bahaviour) it is an attention thing. Today she had been really good but then at tea time DH came home quite early and we were having a quick chat just the 2 of us while I put the tea out and DD1 just spat her drink on the table. Clearly to get some attention. We just sent her out to the step without much conversation about it.

I will continue on, but it's great to know I'm not the only one - and any advice is great.

It 's a stage they all go through i think ,DS2 is the same, He's more verbal than physical so it's 'I don't like you,go away' etc. There's a huge developmental shift at that age, they are leaving toddlerhood behind and going out into the world, and it's so difficult for them to aticulate what they are feeling, and sometimes it's the first time they've been in a situation where they are expected to rub along with kids much older than them (at school)on a daily basis - I think I'd get a little pissed off in the circumstances!