Five-year-old is rude and backchatting

[MayWelland]

Please can someone help me with some strategies to manage my 5-year-old’s backchat?

We’ve had the usual toddler tantrums etc, and mostly he’s grown out of it. His behaviour at school is exemplary and he is a really lovely, sweet child. Or he was, up until about three weeks ago.

He has started with rude, inappropriate and sometimes quite nasty backchat. Some of it is just being contrary, even he hasn’t got a clue if he’s right or wrong. (Eg yesterday, we were going somewhere new and I said there was ice cream there and he said ‘no there isn’t’). I can manage that, even if it’s a bit annoying.

But it’s everything. Every comment is a whinge or backchat. He has gone from being the sweetest little man into someone who is rude, angry and impatient, and I don’t know how to handle it. I was parented in a household that was borderline abusive and so I just got a wallop if I ever behaved like that so I don’t know what good looks like here.

These are some of the things I’ve tried

• connection before correction: trying to understand if there’s an underlying reason for it. Is he hungry, tired etc. There is nothing obvious that I can see, but maybe I’m not reading the cues well enough
• Playing with him: maybe it’s because we’ve not connected properly, so I’ve tried giving him my full attention for longer
• Letting the small things go: trying not to make him feel picked on for every transgression
• Zero tolerance: being clear that even a single backchat isn’t ok
• Gentle correction: we don’t speak to each other like that in our house
• Yelling (not proud of this, but it’s when I’m at the end of my tether)

I dread spending time with him at the minute because it is CONSTANT.

I have no model for what to do. Do I let it go, in that he’s five and five-year-olds are all irrational tyrants? Or do I be strict about it because I need to nip it in the bud before it gets worse?

It’s just so disrespectful and I honestly don’t know what to do.

Giving this a little bump

Hey, can you expand on what you mean by “back chatting”? Just a few examples?

Thanks @RedRobyn24. It’s basically a lot of variations of ‘no’

eg you just need to wait two mins for mummy. Eurgh, I know it’s hard to wait.

to that he’ll say: has it been two mins yet (after 10 secs), I’ll say no, then he’ll stamp his feet and say ‘YES IT HAS’. All kids do that, I know, but it’s over and over and over again, and nothing can reason with him. Here, watch this clock and I’ll show you. NO I DON’T WANT TO. I WANT IT NOW.

Sometimes though, it escalates: we went to the park, had a (mostly) nice time with a few hiccups but nothing major. It was time to go - he was getting hungry and tired and it was clear he needed to be home. But he refused to go. Tried all the tricks: bet you can’t… choices, walk like a robot etc. He just ran away. So eventually I picked him up and said I would have to carry him. I remained calm through this and was proud of myself. He kicked me, hit me, pulled my hair. But I stayed calm. Got him in the car seat and was putting his seatbelt on and leaned over, at which point he elbowed me in the face.

At this point, I yelled.

All kids have bad days, I know that. They are bad at self-regulation and they are only learning. Maybe my expectations are too high but I think at 5, this should be the exception, not the norm. But basically since Easter it’s been like this every single day. Sometimes multiple times an hour.

And just to say that he wasn’t like this up until the Easter holidays. He had his moments of course. And there were always times that didn’t go according to plan, but this is CONSTANT

Bumping just in case anyone has any insights

Hi OP I don't really have much advice but I have a 5 year old and I've noticed the back chat has started here too. You say he's been really well behaved at school - do you think he's been holding it together and now he's letting it all out? Is he disrupted by the break in routine (ie the holidays). Some things I try is say things like "when you're ready tell me again in a gentle/kind voice." Or turn the questions back on her "how long do you think 5 mins is? Do you think it's as longer than a Bluey episode?" Etc. Not sure if that's all stuff you've tried. I find my LO acts up when there's some kind of underlying stress for example if she's had a nightmare and not told me about it or if she's worried about something.

Thanks @Mummabear04. He has been marginally better this week so we’ll see!

Giving this a little bump. I’m trying so hard right now but my relationship with my five year old is not great. He is disrespectful, mocking, angry. And it’s only at home.

I’m trying all the tricks, and I’m trying to empathise with him. There is clearly something bothering him. But I don’t know what to do, and so I end up calm calm calm calm calm EXPLODE.

There's clearly something in the air – mine is doing it as well, although in her case I know a couple of the things bothering her, and two out of three should resolve themselves in the next week, so fingers crossed that helps.

Preemptive distraction at flashpoints is helping. Mine likes stories and music, so at the moment we are often getting dressed or getting ready for bed with an audiobook or a song on. This is definitely something I can live with.

The ice cream comment, I'd have responded with 'oh, okay, I guess we won't have one then,' which would have induced some rapid back-pedalling, but I recognise that only works in very specific situations.

Stuff like 'I want it now', if I think it's a strop, not a child who has completely lost control, then we'll go to 'you can have it after two minutes of waiting politely'. I will help with ways to distract themselves and fill the time – but they can start waiting nicely now, and get it in two minutes, or they can strop for however long they need to, and then wait nicely for two minutes. Up to them.

If they've completely lost it though, that won't help – I would try to help channel the frustration first. (Silent roars are surprisingly satisfying, as are tiger claws to go with them, could do a fire-breathing dragon version as well. I've also seen one about pushing a wall that I think we might try.)

Otherwise, for general rudeness, I'm trying the line that people don't want to help people who are rude, so next time they ask for something/help with something, I am not inclined to help until they apologise for the earlier rudeness (unless a critical need of course). Depending on how rude, I still might make them wait a bit longer than I usually would whilst I finish something else. This has got me genuine regret, which is at least a start.