Seriously - She's going to have to go to boarding school ! dd 7.5 is driving me insane !

[LucyLamb]

So - my dd - now 7.5 has always been a feisty little thing - and the last 6 months she has been a bit of a nightmare - but today really takes the biscuit ! She had us up at about 6.30 and has not stopped screaming and shouting at us ALL day !!

DH and I are both feeling a bit under the weather and very stressed out with work - and unfortunately we don't have any family locally to take the pressure off us at all - so we are really feeling it badly today !

Are all 7.5 year old girls like this or have I got one with a problem ?? DH is convinced there is something "wrong" with her !

So - here is an example of her behaviour !

She brought her scooter inside last night - and this mroning started scooting round and round the dining room table at speed - she banged into the sideboard a couple of times and knocked a chunk of wood out of one of the doors - so first of all I tell her to be careful - at which she shrieks "Noooooo - leave me alone - I can do what I want !" at very loud volume ! So I pointed out that actually she couldn't do what she wanted and if she wouldn't be careful I would put her scooter outside ! Cue a mammoth screaming fit - she hates me, it's not fair etc etc. - at which point dh says she has to go to her bedroom - she refuses and continues screaming and shouting. DH then starts shouting back and telling her she must go to her room - she refuses and eventualy he chases her upstairs and into her room - she is now screaming and shrieking furiously ! He closes her door and walks into our room and sits on the bed. She then comes out of her room screaming like a banshee - hits him and slams our bedroom door behind her !

Sorry this is so dull - are you still with me ?

He tells her she must stay in her room and be silent for 5 mins before she may come out - 35 mins later she is still screaming and shouting and the 5 mins have not even started !

Eventually she calms down and comes out of her room and eats breakfast. She is then calmish for all of about 20 mins and then she is off again about something else - I can't even remember what - but she just seems to be in a foul foul mood and spoiling for an argument at every point !

We have had an issue of her being bullied at school lately, and she is actually changing schools in September - partly becasue of the bullying - so she probably does seem unsettled - BUT........

I have been re-reading "How to listen..." and starting to try out some of the stuff on her - which was beginning to work - but dh is of the old school "kids will do what I say" mentality. I have discussed with our GP and he has said that he thinks her reactions are a little odd - but give her the summer to see if she gets over the bullying etc and if no improvement will refer her to Ed Pych/Behavious person.

Don't know what to do really !! Are they all like this - or is mine odd ?

Hmm my DP's DD is 5 and hasnt had a tantrum for lord knows how long. The most we get from her these days is a sulk when she has to go home after playing in the park, even so with that we chatted with her and explained that it didnt make sense to sulk when she had had such a good time. She listened and accepted it. Personally Id be horrified if she was having tantrums at the age of 5 even.

ER - My eldest NEVER EVER had a tantrum, my next one will probably have the occasional one still at 7, I'm not sure about the youngest two - probably not they are petering out at 2 & 4. A big part of it is personality, different personalities deal with stuff in different ways some dc find it difficult to express themselves other than having a tantrum to show they are not happy.

OK - I am getting the message - I am the adult and so I am responsible for her behaviour and I need to manage her better so that I get some space occasionally !

I agree - I really do - but I have sunk do low into a bog of despair that it's hard to get back out again.

I am trying though - have got dh to play Monopoly with her on the floor now whilst I cook roast chicken. Have taken more Nurofen to try and beat this headache and be nicer person.

Have got plans for next weekend - in fact pretty busy and I'm off with her at half term so I will start making some plans for that week as well ! Trouble is I like just pottering about in an aimless fashion - oh well - will have to have a formal plan and see if that works better !

Have to say though - we did tell her we felt ill and asked her to play in her room for us to have a lie in this mroning - she has a CD player and lots of story CDs as well as sing a long music - but she point blank refused to entertain herself ! In fact straight after we asked her this she started screaming at us, pulled the duvet off us and slapped us several times ! A little hard to bear when you feel awful and it's only 6.30am on a Sunday !

But - will get back to the book and rethink strategy and also try and persuade dh to change his ways ! Wish me luck ! Thanks for all your thoughts and ideas.

will you try something?

I went on a parenting course a little while ago.
My DS is younger than your daughter but one of the girls on our course was the same age.

We were guided to do 10 minutes narrative play with our child each day.
Narrative play is sitting on the floor with the child saying outloud what you can see your child doing, not asking questions, you're putting the cars in the garage, ah you are building a wall. blah blah, it can make you feel silly, but everyone in our group found ti had HUGE results for attention seeking tantrum prone children.
For us we found doing it in the morning before DH want to work it felt like it bought me a whole day's peace.
Apparently part of the reasonit works because it is a very intensive amount of one to one time that the child feels topped up with attention IYKWIM.

Worth a try??

Cargirl DP's DD is extremely intelligent, confident, lively and happy. She knows very very well how to express herself, better than children that are older than in many cases. She has however been taught about boundaries and understand mummy, daddy and I mean what we say an will work as team. Sure she tries it on a little but when shes been met with consistent gentle discipline over the years , the number if incidents and severity has lessened to few these days.

well I have parented mine the same, but they are all very different, unsurprisingly the ones who are best able to express themselves are the ones who have had the fewest (or zero) tantrums. My dc2 absolutely knows the boudaries and that tantrums are not tolerated as do her sisters it doesn't stop her being a sensitive child who doesn't cope with emotions sometimes and losing the plot.

Children will not know how to behave unless they are taught. Of course all kids are individual and getting across to different children will require thought and modification.

Issy - snap - we have biscuits in our bedside drawer too !! Thought it was just us !!

Sadly - she had had one and a drink of milk before she kicked off - god knows what she's have been like without it !!

Jingley - never heard of that - but yes thanks I will give it a try !! What's the betting she stomps off and rejects the attention !

ElenorRigby - must be great to have such a perfect life and step dd - not sure what help that is to me though ???? My dd knows the boundaries perfectly well but for some reason has chposen to challenge them !!

She sounds like me when I was that age.

My mum took me to the GP who said it was linked to blood sugar. I had cereal before going to bed and then breakfast in the morning.

Apparently I was fine after I'd had breakfast but was such a complete moron before hand they couldn't get me to eat it. I am still a grumpy cow now if I don't get my breakfast (hence my user name)

I realise this may be over simplyifying things but there may be something in it.

DH & I play good cop & bad cop when dd2 kicks off and tbh what works the best when she has really lost it is going in and forcing a big cuddle on her then she will calm down more quickly and we can "talk" about what is really going on to make her so unable to cope.

I thought I was such a great parent with DD1 - then I had "normal" children!!!

My 10.8 yr old had a tantrum on Friday. Admittedly she was tired, but it was about a stupidly small thing (one of those awful googly things on a piece of card got accidentally torn in two), and she behaved in a way more appropriate to a 3 yr old than a young lady about to start secondary school. She admitted this later after a bath and a calm down. Generally I think this kind of behaviour stems from tiredness. You can't reason with it, only dump it in its room to calm down I reckon.

Lucy we have far from a perfect life!!! LOL

but thats a whole differnt thread

My Dd has tons of energy so we direct it...she does dance and drama on saturday and we go swimming as a family on sunday, or to the park with her bike.
This working off of energy is very therapeutic for all of us and she comes home hunry and a bit tired, so has a meal and a bit of TV or "quiet time".
We then try to do family outings to parks/nature reserves/farms etc. We also play family board games where we can all interact.

Today we were too tired to do this and we have had a jumping bean all afternoon.

I also suggest your DH calms down a bit and tries distraction rather than shouting...is there an activity DH and DD can do together "dad and daughter time?". My DH does silly tickling games, and most of the attention in swim time comes from him...

I think she just has high energy and lacks the ability to cope with her strong emotions, so is copying her parents...and it sounds like shouting happens a lot from you so she copies it. just the same thing happened in our house, but I made a big effort to "calm" everyone down, and not do shouting.
If hse is screaming, try talking to her in a very very low voice..this should throw her enough to make her halt, even for a short while.
Then ask how is she feeling? Is she cross/bored/tired/ill etc and talk about how the whole family can deal with it, then it becomes easier for you to say "mummy is ill today like you were when X".
Takes a bit of time but it owrked for us.
You and DH have to be consistent though.

christ on a crutch you need to get some backbone!

shouting/smacking or anything like that is not going to work with a child, consistent behaviour will. The child needs to know what the boundaries are and you need to explain those boundaries and the consequences of the behaviour.

for instance - child goes on scooter in the house which is not acceptable behaviour, you get on their level and explain to them (visualise super nanny) in a low calm voice WHAT they have done, why it is not acceptable and what is the consequences ... i.e. you don't go on the scooter in the home because scooters are for outside, the house can be damaged/things knocked over/it's annoying/too noisy etc, the consequences of not listening to you are that the scooter gets taken away. End of.

If you have to shout/smack then you have failed as the parent adn the child has won. Remember YOU are the parent.

honestly it's not rocket science, and yes, my life is FAR from perfect, far from it by a long way. Yet I have a DD who knows the boundaries and the consequences and I'm consistent (as is XP) in her parenting.

Our DD can be very similar - as one poster said low blood sugar in the morning can be a real trigger. We leave a snack that we know she will eat (banana or dried fruit usually) next to her bed if we are going to sleep in and that helps a lot.
Otherwise she plays, forgets to eat, then gets so wound up that she won't eat, and its a downward spiral from then on.
Also, 'How to talk . . .' is a good book, but I find it a little overoptimistic in how quickly children will respond. I have another book which I like called 'Setting limits with your strong-willed child' - does what it says on the tin, and really helpful tips to avoid getting into battles. ( by MacKenzie)

Not sure Eleanor Rigby's (single) experience is all that helpful tbh. I grew up in a large family and have been surrounded by large families since, so have been able to observe a good many instances where children are parented exactly the same, taught about boundaries etc etc, yet have had vastly different personalities. Some never have a tantrum, some stop early and some still have them when they were quite old. This is not the same as not understanding boundaries. An adult who bursts into tears and shouts during an argument with her spouse is not necessarily a bad citizen.

If your dsd stopped early- well, they do say God tempers the wind to the shorn sheep

(though I feel obliged to warn you that ds did not have tantrums at 5 either- he's started since!)

Lucy I think you and DH need to 'take turns' more.

I think it IS very hard on a 7 yr old, to be told to entertain yourself while BOTH parents are in bed.

Decide whose feeling crappest, they can stay in for an hour, then you get them up to relieve you for an hour etc. DH and I have often had to 'tag team' it in the early morning

I honestly think if you expect a little less of her, that would be a bit more realistic

on a singleton 7 yr old, I meant to say. When I was little I had my bro and we could entertain and keep each other company

A singleton, like my ds and your DD, inevitably needs a parent a bit more at times like that, to provide the company. IMO.

I haven't read all the posts but my 7.25 yr old dd is a bloody monster at the moment. I think it must be a hormone/growth thing, she's like a two yr old again!

I find it really helpful to know she's not the only one!

Rachaelsara - thanks for that - I too feel reassured that mine is not the only one.

Yerblurt - ummmmm - thanks that was REALLY REALLY HELPFUL (NOT !)

Honoria - I agree - but he isn't much of a one for taking turns ! If he's up he will let her bang around and play music really loud so I can't sleep anyway ! He's not the most helpful bloke in the world sadly - but that's another story !!

He's away for a couple of nights this week - so I think I will plough on with the "How to Talk" stuff and see how she and I get on on our own.

I have to say - she was quite sweet this afternoon and I feel quite angry with him now for bullying her - but without having a huge row I can't say anything - but I will bide my time !

Oh and just remembered - my sister in law is 30 and she still has a bit of a tantrum when tired or hungry !!! Not screaming or crying as such but she gets into a right old nark - her husband has been known to force feed her a banana at particularly bad points !!!!! Hopefully my dd hasn't acquired that gene !!!

Right - thanks to all the helpful people and thanks to those who have perfect children and are perfect parents !! I am not and that is why I was asking for help !!!

I hope yerblurt never sees my family in action, social services would be called and the dcs taken away without further ado!

All the theory works until real life kicks in and you all get cross and a bit silly.

Nobody should think they are perfect.

nobody is saying they are perfect, but if you don't at least have some consistent parenting then you won't be making a rod for your own back as most of the poster on here seem to do!

and the theory works - in practice! funny that isn't it?

now if some of you spent half as much energy walking the walk rather than bitching and moaning on here and looking for a bit cyber hug from people you have never met then you will be 1/2 way there.... do it you moaning gets!

Cory I come from a large family too. As for single experience DP and I have a daughter who is now 9 months old.
Im confused by why you would put emphasise on a lrge family anyway as Lucy only mentions her 7.5 yo...
As for DP's DD behaviour deterioating in the future of course we are prepared for that, everything changes and nothing is set in stone. The trick is to rise to each challenge as they come along I guess.