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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

20 month old toddler refusing to go to sleep in her cot... please help! (sorry, long)

20 replies

halogen · 17/05/2008 13:09

Hi. My 20 month old daughter has always been a good sleeper and since she was about ten months old has happily been put down un her cot to sleep and gone off without a murmur. She occasionally wakes in the night (bad dreams mainly) and wants to come into our bed but mostly sleeps through and until a few days ago would actually smile at me as I put her down to have a nap or go to sleep at night.

A few days ago, she suddenly started howling blue murder as soon as I put her in her cot. I left her to cry for a few minutes but she got up and started banging her head really hard on the bars (hard enough to produce a proper bruise) and making appalling catsick noises so I went and got her. She then fell asleep on me within a few minutes (basically as soon as she calmed down) and I put her back down in her cot and she slept perfectly fine after that.

She does the same thing with her daytime nap and at night. I have no idea what to do to help her get back on track with going to sleep. I have tried asking her if anything is the matter in her room or with her and run through a whole list of what might be wrong (eg too hot, too cold, too dark, too light, too scary, too loud, too quiet, wrong pyjamas/cover/cuddly toys, something hurting, thirsty, hungry etc etc) with no recognition from her. She is quite good at talking and definitely understands all of these words, at least well enough to know if one of them was the matter.

It seems that she just wants to fall asleep on me. While it doesn't take long, it's annoying for me and I can't help feeling it's not a good idea for her.

Her usual sleep pattern is that she sleeps around 11 hours at night from 8pm to 7am (sometimes a bit less) and has one nap of about an hour and a half in the day, from 12.30 to 2.

What can I do? I'm not happy about leaving her to cry because of the headbutting - I'm worried she might hurt herself. I have tried sitting in her room with her and holding her hand in the dark but it seems this isn't good enough.

Nothing has recently changed in her little world to set something like this off. She has also experienced a huge resurfacing of separation anxiety and can hardly bear to let me out of her sight at the moment, not even to have a bath while she plays with her dad.

Any advice gratefully accepted!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

pampam · 17/05/2008 13:22

don't have any advice but have a 23 month old who has never settled in her cot so will watch with interest!

Original poster

halogen · 17/05/2008 13:27

What do you do, pampam? Do you just let her fall asleep on you?

Also, good luck. You never know - mine suddenly stopped settling so maybe yours will suddenly start!

OP posts:

Original poster

halogen · 17/05/2008 14:40

Oh yes, I meant to ask - what do you think of the idea of taking the sides off her cot bed so she doesn't feel so trapped in there? A possibility or opening up a whole new world of cot refusal?!

OP posts:

CrazyMofo · 17/05/2008 16:03

I had this same problem with DD around the same age as yours, so i went out and bought a toddlers bed with sides and it solved the problem!!!

She probly just feels trapped and wants to sleep in a bed like mummy.

If you have a cot bed i would just take off the sides.

Original poster

halogen · 17/05/2008 16:50

Thanks so much, Crazy. I will do the dismantling tomorrow when DH is here to help and see how it goes. I hope my daughter takes to it like yours did!

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bubblagirl · 17/05/2008 17:04

my ds gave his cot up at 19 months as felt to resricted didnt like the bars around him

got him junior bed and was fine till around 2 half then wouldnt sleep in it
got him single bed and now he spreads right out and spends at least 4 out of 7 nights in his bed now rest of time on bed on my bedroom floor but were getting there

Original poster

halogen · 17/05/2008 21:15

Thanks bubbla, it looks like a 100% vote for no bars so far!

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CrazyMofo · 17/05/2008 21:23

God your DDs so cute!!

Good luck, i hope it works

Original poster

halogen · 17/05/2008 21:35

Oh, I've just looked, so is yours. What a sweetheart. And I love that wall light.

Daughter insisted on falling asleep on me again tonight but I told her that we were going to take the sides off the cot so it was a real bed just like mummy's and she said 'Bed, bed! Okaaaaay!'. Am not entirely sure if this meant she wanted the sides taken off her cot or if she was just loving my bed. I suppose I will find out tomorrow!

OP posts:

CrazyMofo · 17/05/2008 21:42

Lol, i bet when she sees its just like her mummys she will be happy to sleep in it.

I think there were a couple of nights when dd got out of bed a few times but she didnt cry like she did in the cot.

CrazyMofo · 17/05/2008 21:42

Oh and the wall light is from IKEA

Original poster

halogen · 18/05/2008 19:38

Gah. Well, she loves her bed to bits and has played in it nearly all day but has absolutely no interest in going to sleep in it. Much crying at nap time. I am going to try doing all her stories in her bed tonight and see how it goes. On the bright side, being a bed makes it way easier to put her down after she's fallen asleep on me.

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lilQuidditchKel · 18/05/2008 20:16

here's another idea - if her new bed has little sides or if you can put those fold-away ones on, and decorate them with stickers of things she likes, maybe adding one every time she goes to sleep nicely, it will make the whole thought of going into bed more appealing. It certainly helped DS. Because of our DD we took him out of the cot and after a month he started popping out of bed for a million times in a row no matter how many times we put him back. I bought a new duvet cover with little cars on, and put wall stickers from Homebase of tractors and police cars down along the wall just above his bed, put a cot side on, did the sticker thing, and it definitely changed his attitude. I've also heard that sep anxiety returns at this age so hopefully it will pass for you soon. good luck!

claremal · 18/05/2008 21:31

This won't be what you want to hear, but DS started this at about 18 months. We tried various strategies, some of which worked for a few days but no longer. I think it was the usual- a stage. He stopped after about 3 months. I think he just didn't want to be on his own; but we found it difficult because we didn't want it to become a habit, so did leave him to cry (with regular reassurance visits) if he wasn't too upset. Sometimes he went to sleep, other times he got more wound up and we had to settle him. Unfortunately, he took longer to settle than your DD although he stopped crying as soon as I sat down holding him. Now, he will mostly go to sleep immediately, but sometimes want cuddles. I hope that your DD goes back to her usual self more quickly and enjoys her new bed.

Original poster

halogen · 18/05/2008 21:56

We managed to stay in her bed together for quite a while at bedtime tonight (hope it's not going to collapse under my weight), but in the end it was back to our bed and letting her fall asleep on me. I don't want this to become something stressful for her so have basically decided to go with the flow as much as possible.

Sticker idea is good. I had thought of wall stickers for her room, anyway, I think she'd love something like that.

Clare, the idea of it only being for three months is actually lovely so it's exactly what I want to hear! At the moment, it feels like it might be a life sentence!

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no1putsbabyinthecorner · 19/05/2008 22:54

Just wondered how you were getting on lucicle
My dd is 15 months and has also always been a good sleeper, almost always been put down awake.
However recently been very clingy wrapping legs around me and gripping me tight when I lower her into cot. For some day time naps too.
She screamed like I never heard before, it was horrible. Tried laying her in our bed she just screamed some more.
Sat her on my knee on the chair in her room and she fell straight to sleep. On several occasions.
I am also torn between going with the flow or being persistant in leaving her to cry for a while. (Tonight only cried for 8 minutes)
Good to know its probably just a phase.
Its so tempting to cuddle her to sleep as I never get a cudle usually. But baby due in August and want her to be happy and settled. IYKWIM
SORRY TO WAFFLE

Original poster

halogen · 20/05/2008 13:38

Well, it's not going very well, actually, no1! Sorry to hear you are going through the same pain and hope your daughter gets the hang of the whole thing soon. I have more or less given up trying to put my daughter down alone as now that her cot is a bed, there is no way she's staying in there without me! 8 minutes crying sounds kind of all right if that ends with yours being asleep, though obviously a bit horrible for you.

What I'm trying to do at the moment is work towards her falling asleep in her bed with me beside her in the hope that I can then gradually withdraw bit by bit. Or she might just come to her senses. A friend with a child about six months older has been going through the same thing recently and her daughter has suddenly just stopped being mad and started asking to go to bed in her own bed again. You never know, it might happen for us, too!

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salemcatt · 04/06/2010 13:35

Oh my, I almost started crying with relieve reading your post! I am going through the same "stage" with my 21 month old DD.

I've been a nanny for 10 years and have NEVER come across this in all my life...true what they say about not knowing what it's like to have kids until you have your own!

My DD has always been great with her night and day time sleep routines up until a week ago. She screams blue murder every time I put her in her bed. (I can only imagine what the neighbours are thinking!) Everything leading up to that point is still exactly the same, she runs upstairs, has her milk while I read a story to her (her choice of book) she kisses me and gives me a cuddle and then it kicks off!

It is now getting to a point where I am dreading the bed time and have even tried to cut it out completely.(which makes it even worse!) The problem is that she is literally falling asleep eating her lunch and drinks her milk with her eyes closed sometimes, but as soon as she goes into her bed she starts shouting "No mommy No!" it breaks my heart hearing her cry like that and I have tried everything except taking the sides of her cot-bed off (which will be done once DH gets home from work this afternoon) and I really hope that this will sort the problem.

Glad to know there are moms out there having the same issue and I am not the only one living this nightmare without sleep!

salemcatt · 05/06/2010 07:28

YEAH!!! we have breakthrough!! Took the sides of the cot-bed off yesterday afternoon, she loved playing in it and went to bed last night without a fuss! had her milk, read a story, said goodnight and that was it! Little love rolled out of bed once but I put her back and she went straight back to sleep without a peep! Thank you to you all for suggesting to remove the side! Bed time will hopefully be a dream from here on!

smiler13 · 14/10/2014 23:19

I am so glad we are not the only ones going through this. My son is nearly 19months. He's usually a great sleeper but since last Thursday he has broken his heart every night when i put him to bed. I've never heard him cry that it. It's like he's so scared of me leaving him. He grabs onto me as hard as he can. Last week he did climb out of his cot twice. Do you think thus could have started this? I'm debating taking one side off his cot bed. What do you think?

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