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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Mumsnet poll on girl friendships - to intervene or not?

19 replies

seeker · 16/05/2008 10:04

Briefly. We live in a small town. 2 secondary schools. Most children go to one or the other. Dd went with a very few others to an out of town school. She's managing to keep in touch with many of her old frienda, and will see much more of them when the summer holidays start.

One girl that dd was very friendly with at Primary has been very 'off with her ever since they left - not answering texts etc. Dd was a but bothered but not very - understanding hat people move on etc. She invited this girl - lets call her A, to her birthday party. She came, but was incredibly Irude. Dd said afterwards that as far as she was concerned that was it - she wasn't going to try and keep the friendship going.

However, now dd is hearing all sorts coming back from the others - how A hates ss, she only went to her party because her mom forced her, how dd is a mean cow....etc etc. Dd say she has no idea why A is behaving like this - and she is usually pretty clear sighted about her own behaviour if she has upset someone.

I know her mother moderately well ona PTA chat at school gates sort of way. I was thinking of asking her if she knew what mt dd had doe to upset A in a very low-key-putting -the-blame-on-dd way. Good idea, or should I leave it alone and see what happens when they start meetig at the pool in the summer?

OP posts:

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FluffyMummy123 · 16/05/2008 10:05

Message withdrawn

nickytwotimes · 16/05/2008 10:06

Sounds like a standard girl thing, iirc. Just leave it. It will blow over.

ajandjjmum · 16/05/2008 10:07

If it isn't affecting your dd on a day to day basis, I'd steer clear.

Just make sure that your dd chats to you about it - and other rocky friendships - so that you can keep an eye on things!

Girls are a nightmare - dd is 15, and I'm hoping we're coming to the end of this - or she is getting better at dealing with it.

Good luck

Carnival · 16/05/2008 10:08

I'd leave it, too

chrissnow · 16/05/2008 10:09

Yeah leave it. Your DD seems mature enough to handle it. She'll come out of it much better having dealt with it as she is doing -i.e. with quiet dignity. I imagine come summer time there will be a conclusion one way or the other.

DiscoDizzy · 16/05/2008 10:10

I agree with the others, tempting as it may be.

Original poster

seeker · 16/05/2008 10:10

Sorry - thta wasn't brief at all!

OP posts:

Original poster

seeker · 16/05/2008 10:12

I agree with everybody that I should leave it - it's just horrible thinking of this girl saying horrible things about my precious dd when she not there to defend herself!

OP posts:

cosima · 16/05/2008 10:14

i don't think there is anything wrong in discussing with the other mum, that doesn't necessarily mean interfering, why not? communication could solve many problems, i don't think it matters if you chat to this mum

ajandjjmum · 16/05/2008 10:22

If you do - a little warning. Dd and a friend had a term of squabbles in the first year at dd's new school. It obviously upset her friend far more than it did dd.

I was quite prepared to accept dd was being unkind, and she may well have been the main culprit - but her friend is a drama queen and resented the attention dd was receiving as the 'new girl'.

Her mum categorically told me that her dd was a very kind child and never did anything wrong. It got quite nasty, and although I went round to see her and we 'sorted it out', there is still an atmosphere some years later.

ie. I hate the mum!!! But then she did tell me we must be crap parents.

cory · 16/05/2008 10:39

I still say leave it. If horrible things are being said now, think about how much more horrible things will be said if you manage to wind this girl- and her mother- up. The sooner this girl forgets about your dd the better.

Wezzle · 16/05/2008 10:41

I agree with the others that you're best leaving it to blow over.

I've only ever intervened once a few years ago when DD1 was really upset that a girl in the year above her was being nasty to her, calling her names etc.

I advised DD1 just to ignore her until I caught the little cow other girl in the act, actually calling DD1 a little bitch amongst other things.

I went straight round to see her parents with both girls in tow and had it out with them. They were good about it and had words with their DD.

Had no problems with her or anyone else since...touch wood.

Original poster

seeker · 16/05/2008 10:45

Thing is, they can't forget about each other - they will spend a lot of time together in the Summer - the young teens in our town move in a sort of pack from pool to Rec and back again.

OP posts:

Wezzle · 16/05/2008 10:53

DD1 is in Year 7 now. I think if she was having this sort of problem and it was really bothering her, I would encourage her to take the girl to one side and try to find out what the problem is rather than me and the other parents getting involved.

I would only interevene at this age if it was serious bullying.

Unfortunately school girls have always been and will always be bitchy and nasty...they can't help it.

Usually they hate each other one week and the next they're best of friends again. I can't keep up half the time.

GrumpyOldHorsewoman · 16/05/2008 11:12

Sorry not to offer any differing words of wisdom, but I agree that these things are best left to the Dcs. Once parents start intervening it all can get a bit nasty, when in reality it's just typical youthful girl behaviour. It will all blow over.

I know it's hard not to help when you feel your child is being treated badly by someone, but when it's just a peer thing, you have to leave them to it. If she's not being harassed by the other girl, you have to accept that sometimes people just go their own ways, and sometimes this is not done in an amicable way. Handling your own relationships is all part of growing up. DD has had several of these types of run-in, and I have always resisted the temptation to help her out. Now she has a really good, strong character and can totally handle herself with others and is never afraid to stick up for herself or her friends. Give your own DD advice on handling the situation, but stay well out of it yourself.

Original poster

seeker · 16/05/2008 11:13

This is what I need - lots of people telling me not to touch it with a barge pole! I know that really - and dd is being much more sensible than I am!

OP posts:

Wezzle · 16/05/2008 11:17

i was just going to add that i think your dd is handling the situation very maturely.

She's a credit to you

JeremyVile · 16/05/2008 11:26

Well, completely on my own here, but I would have a word with the other mum next time I happened to see her.
Nothing heavy or leading, just something like "it seems a shame that DD and A aren't so close anymore - do you think it's just because they are at different schools now?"
Then she can either fill you in or just agree that it's a growing-apart thing.

PrimulaVeris · 16/05/2008 11:46

Deffo stay well out of it - do NOT approach the other mum or girl.

It seems to be a common thing for Year 7's - some of them have a sort of personality change.

Just stay chatting to your own DD, be supportive to her. Chances are this other girl is winding up other friends as well so your dd wont be the only one. By the summer hols the teen pack may well change, break into groups etc anyway.

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