Please help me!

[IDKWTD]

I have changed my name for this post.
I just don't know what to do with DD1 (she is in yr1 at school), she just will not do as I ask her. I try to keep calm, but her disobedience is really getting to me and I am scared that I am going to really hurt her.
It is just silly things like tonight it was her spellings. She gets tested on a friday in school, we practice throughout the week but write them down on a Thursday night and again on Friday morning. Tonight she got 3 wrong, she knew what she had done wrong as soon as I told her which ones they were. I wrote them correctly and asked her to copy them twice more, she refused and threw the book across the table and onto the floor. I told her to go to the naughty stair, but she refused as usual. I was trying to get dd2(7mo old) into her highchair at the time or I would have picked DD1 up and put her on the stair myself. Instead I made sure DD2 was safe and went out the room myself. While I was out of the room DD1 turned the tv up to a deafening level. I went back into the room and turned the TV off, DD1 screamed at me and threw the remote control across the room, losing he batteries in the process. I had to stop myself from smacking her. I phone my MIL and asked her to come over as I was so scared of hurting DD1. FIL is here now and will take DD1 home with him if needed, but I think she will refuse to go.
If you have managed to get this far, THANK YOU,for reading . I don't know how any of you can help, but I just need someone to 'talk' to.

Thank you for letting me get it off my chest

anyone?

IDKWTD, sorry, I have read but it's middle of bedtime here, so will be back on later with some suggestions.

I hope everything's calmed down a bit for you, and I think you've done exactly the right thing by asking your ILs for help -- has she gone home with them?

Is there any way you can spend some time with your dd1, just you and her? Try to have a fun time with her without any pressure of school work?

Another thing I wonder is whether you think dd1 is still trying to adjust to the arrival of dd2? If she's 6, she's had you all to herself for quite a long time, so perhaps minds you not being able to pay her so much attention.

I have more suggestions if you want!

Sorry, also meant to say that if you're still scared by your feelings towards her, you must try to talk to someone impartial -- I will try to find some links.

I haven't used this line but perhaps it would help to talk things through with someone there.

Or talk to your GP about seeing a counsellor to talk through these feelings.

Just thought I'd express that I think you handled a very stressful situation really really well, just the fact that you felt like flipping your lid but calmly decided to do something about it (i.e. call in-laws).

Not sure about what to do with DD, does she have trouble at school too/with other people? Is there anyone you could involve in strategy to guide/discipline her when necessary. e.g. school teacher, HV, in-laws if you're close?

I'm sure others wiser than I will be along, with some top advice.

What about borrowing a book from the library about discipline, I just found it was nice to have some kind of an action plan, I hear "how to talk so kids will listen" is highly rated on her, also "more secrets of happy children".

Definitely think you should share your worries with someone though, it's tough! Do you have a DP to help?

Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply.

DD1 is now asleep in her bed. DP arrived home while FIL was still here and he has put her to bed and read her a story.

The fact that she got 3 spellings wrong is not the issue here. That is what it was over tonight, but what is getting me down is the sheer defiance and disobedience. When her daddy sends her to the naughty stair she goes straight away, but not when I send her. I usually end up carrying her there kicking and screaming. If I tell her off she just screams and shouts at me.

Thanks for the book suggestion. i will ask at the library tomorrow if they have it in.

I was about to recommend that very book, Legoleia. It is a complete change of tack from 'naughty step' style, but has been very effective with mine. Much more gentle, and lots of 'oh well, does it really matter?' (from me that is)

Not unusual at this age, I don't think. The calmer you can stay the better.

Be firm about enforcing the rules, but don't waste time being shocked by her defiance.

Try to avoid unnecessary battles- which to me would probably have included over-much fussing about spellings in such a young child. We did not insist very hard on homework when dc's were this little, and they are quite conscientious about it now they're at Junior School.

I wouldn't worry too much if dd shouts at you- it is not necessarily a sign that she doesn't respect your authority. In fact with ds I often feel it was a sign that he did recognise my authority- that i precisely why he is so angry. So I tend to ignore the shouting and concentrate on making him do what he has to do.

poor you . Think you have to step back a bit and stop trying so hard. Try to spot triggers such as frustration, tiredness, hunger, need for attention etc. She's still young and if she doesn't want to practice to the extent she is getting so worked up then leave it. Maybe by not getting them right she'll be more motivated next time, maybe not yet, but it isn't the end of the world really. I don't think having her taken off is the answer , it is almost rewarding her bad behaviour with a treat, but havign an extar pair fo ahnds at that stressful time of day might. Can you try to structure the evenings (hard with a 7mo I know) so you have a regular exclusive time together just with dd1, reading to her, playing a game or doing "work" as she chooses.