Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

Original poster

DD3 Won't have anything to do with Daddy when Mummy is about.... Help!

20 replies

CaitlinsMummy2005 · 15/05/2008 16:00

My DD was 3 in February. We have always been very close, but I'm beginning to worry that it's unhealthily so.

Both DH and I work, and juggle childcare - Monday is Daddy day and Friday is Mummy day. When it's just DH and DD together things are fine; they play, draw, read etc. But, as soon as I appear she blanks him completely; wants nothing to do with him. She won't let him get her out of the car, put her in her highchair - last night we had the hugest 20 minute hissy fit because he tried to wash her hands! I stepped back to let him deal with it but ended up having to calm her down because she'd gotten herself in such a state.

She'll ignore him when he talks to her and it's getting worse. She had a night-terror (I think)last night. After about 30 minutes of consoling her I had to pop to the loo. DH sat with her and stroked her arm at which point she flipped. My poor hubby has been so calm but last night he fell apart. He broke his heart sobbing that she doesn't love him - it was awful. I know she does, but don't understand why she won't have anything to do with him when I'm about.

I don't want to ruin my relationship with DD or DH but I need to find an answer.

Any ideas would be hugely appreciated!

Thanks so much.

OP posts:

lucyellensmum · 15/05/2008 17:04

So sad for your DH, it must be really hard for him. We are having exactly the same problems here just now, except it is me that gets the cold shoulder. It breaks my heart. She is nearly 3 too. I am SAHM and have put it down to the fact that daddy is not around so much. But then i have a friend in the same situation as you, everything fine when mum not around but doesnt want dad when she is. I think its very common.

We have that, im not allowed to do anything and it kicks off in an instant and im sorry to say it does cause tension between us and is affecting my relationship with DD sometimes she is like it when im at home on my own with her, just melts down and screams for her daddy.

Sorry, don't have any answers - i may just lurk on this thread though, if you dont mind, get some hints myself.

........its a phase, its a phase, its a phase..........

cluttercup · 15/05/2008 17:08

Another one over here! My DS is very clingy to me - partially because he has autism but at the moment he will not go to Dad while I am around. Again when he's on his own with Dad, he's fine but if Mum's an option then he'll cling to me!

I think it's just a phase and my ds will pass through it. I guess he's just pushing the boundaries a little to see if he can.

With regard to how to deal with it - we choose our battles. If ds is tired, ill or upset, I generally just deal with him whilst dh deals with dd. Otherwise the general rule is, if Daddy starts an activity, Daddy finishes it!

I will also lurk on this thread!!!

peacelily · 15/05/2008 17:12

Same situation here, dd completely shuns me when daddys around. It really really hurts and has caused arguments as I feel like a f**king accessory. Sometimes unfairly blame dh for it although it's not his fault.

She's mostly ok with me on my own (I work 4 days have 1 day just the 2 of us per week) but this week she had a barny (she's 20m) and started screaming daddy.

No helpful suggestions I'm afraid just reassurance that it's v common (my close friend has similar situation with her ds he won't go near her dh when his Mummy is around). As LEM syas it's probably a phase although I'm having to harden my heart to the fact that dd is and probably always will be a Daddys girl

Original poster

CaitlinsMummy2005 · 15/05/2008 19:17

It's reassuring to hear that we're not alone.... I just wish I knew the best way to deal with this...

OP posts:

more · 15/05/2008 19:42

It is hard but next time you really need to let them be, walk away and let him deal with it all the way through, even if she is having a melt down. Trust your husband to be able to deal with it.
We have been there as well, and it pulls at all the heartstrings. However after about 3 (probably more, don't want you to think it is going to be easy) of these "episodes" that they can't just throw a hissy fit in order to get their way.

CampervanNell · 18/05/2008 19:43

This is my first visit to the site and the first time I've been able to track down anyone who feels the same way as me about this! My DS has since he was born(now 3) been very much more attached to his dad. Whatever I do and however I react the situation never changes. I also work 4 days. My day off is the only time that I feel totally happy as a mother because DH isn't around and there are no jealousy issues. As soon as DH comes home from work , he goes straight to him and clings to him. Bathtimes have always been a focus for the difference in the relationship. Thre have been times when DS won't let me do his bath, screaming and kicking until his dad arrives on the scene. At times it's beeen so hurtful that I've wanted to give up. I've toughed it out generally, and the bathtime problem has subsided but DS still protests at times. I'd love to get some reassurance that it was going to change but am becoming resigned to the fact that he is a "daddy's boy" for life. Just wish I could deal with it a little better!

DebbieSWFC · 19/05/2008 14:00

I do feel bad for you. We went through the same thing. My DS would not have anything to do with my DH no matter how hard DH tried, it was very upsetting for both of us. The good news is that it is just a phase and now (even though he is very clingy with me) they get on like a house on fire.
So chin up and ride the storm

Minkus · 19/05/2008 14:33

Sadly I think this is "just" a phase. DS is 3.6 and also ignores dh/doesn't want him around if I'm there etc etc and yes it's really upsetting for all of us. But occasionally he'll switch his allegiances for a few days(just to keep us on our toes I'm sure!) and all we hear is "Dad? Daaaaaddddy? Where are you??" and I am no longer able to clean his teeth/ put his pj's on/get his breakfast if dh is there. Show your dh this thread and hold his hand, it will get bettr honest x

bubblagirl · 19/05/2008 14:39

i had to set up situations with my ds to be left with daddy to not take over when daddy went to him no matter how upset he got

and to just randomly pop to the shops while dp was doing activity with ds and say how well jhe had done

my ds also has autism and is very clingy with me but now i have got him used to being with daddy

when daddy is about get him to do dinner routine but i stuck to putting him to bed

if ds wanted me to do something i would get daddy to do it instead

it is a phase my ds is 3 and loves his daddy but if ill upset tired its mum my he wants which i think is normal anyway

just create as many fun situations with daddy as possible and get them used to being together doing fun things and restrain from taking over even if distressed other wise looks like daddy isnt capable and also allowing them to get there own way

ds is much better now but i always deal with night time and upsets and illness but rest of time is happy to play with daddy or be with daddy

GooseyLoosey · 19/05/2008 14:43

I was on the recieving end of this for nearly 2 years and have the following advice:

Do not tell your dh that there is no problem and dd loves him. Dh used to tell me this and it just made it seem as though he did not understand. It was only when he acknowledged the problem that we could try and solve it.

Don't change your relationship with dd.

Don't mention to dd that there is an issue or that it upsets dh. She is only 3 and not responsible for his happiness (we once did this and it was a disaster).

Understand that it really is breaking your dh's heart. Unless you have been rejected by a child, it is difficult to know how bad it can feel.

If possible dh and dd should do something together that is fun - not part of the regular routine.

This is the hard bit. Your dh needs to carry on offering dd his unconditional love and not make any issue of her rejecting him or appear upset by it. Ds used to say "don't want mummy hug, only daddy hug" and I used to reply "well I love you more than anything in the world and whenever you need a hug from me I'm here and I would always like to hug you".

Things will gradually change. I have talked to people a lot about this over the years and have not yet met one where things did not improve. Ds is now 5 and I think is fairly equal in terms of parental preference, although when he hurts himself or wakes up scared, it is me he comes to now.

Goodluck!

bubblagirl · 19/05/2008 14:43

oh and i can finally have nights out and he loves his time with daddy doing dinner and bed

its just allowing them to have the chance as the minute we step in it makes them think they are not capable

my dp used to also be in tears now all is perfectly fine for all of us but took alot of hard work and heart ache on my part walking out to shops while ds is screaming for me not to go

but when i got back happily playing with daddy

SlowDown · 19/05/2008 20:56

We're going through this too. DS 3.11 likes me to do most things for him and rejects dh. Have thought about it and I now think it could related to developmental stage and need to assert control in the family. So our tactic is similar to what Goosey suggests. Try not to show a reaction and not always let the child control who does what with him. E.g. ds always wants me to do his car seat and sometimes this is just not convenient! So we now say 'well we'll have to see who's free' and ignore the fuss that ensues. DS is clever cookie though and now in the run up to getting in the car says...'mummy, it looks like you're going to be free'.... Hang in there!

CampervanNell · 19/05/2008 22:13

Thanks for some fantastic sound advice. The problem is when there's an incident that really hurts it's impossible to think rationally and like an adult. All the worst childish instincts kick in and I find myself tempted to behave like a child- I'll leave home then and I bet you'll miss me when I'm gone- of course I've never really said or done it but been so tempted. It's hard to explain how much it hurts at the time, but equally when I look back at some of the incidents in the cold light of day they've seemed pretty trivial and I hope that in a couple of years' time with hindsight it will seem like there was nothing to worry about.

kirstygem · 20/05/2008 11:47

I was going to post a new thread on this exact topic today except that its me getting rejected. DD is 2 next week and totally fine when its just me and her. As soon as DH is around she wont go anywhere with me. After her bath last night I took her downstairs and DH was doing something upstairs and she went totally carzy and kept trying to climb up the stairs on her own. I ended up shouting at her which i dont do very oftern but am preg with DD2 and really tired, this situation is getting me down. DH does not realizse how much it upsets me and we end up falling out as he says I need to be more patient with her and just distract her - as if its that easy and I am trying my best. Its easy for him to be so patient when he not getting her battling against him all the time

Minkus · 20/05/2008 12:23

Kirstygem don't put too much pressure on yourself- it's a difficult situation without being pg too so don't be too hard on yourself if you lose your rag occasionally.

Is there anyway that your dh could spend a bit more time with your dd after work? Sounds like she really would love his attention after him being away all day and you could do with the break. Could he do bath and bed perhaps?

kirstygem · 20/05/2008 13:21

I work fulltime as well so kind of reluctant to not be in on bath and bed as dont get much time with her either. Finish up work in 4 weeks though so will have quality time with her during the day when DH at work

Minkus · 20/05/2008 13:57

Ah I'm in this situation too (but just started mat leave, due 7th July!)

Have come to the conclusion that period of time between getting home and putting ds to bed is sooo much easier if neither dh nor I do anything apart from be with ds. Getting jobs done etc just makes the poor little lamb really grumpy!

Hope things work out for you and you have a smooth pregnancy from here on in x

GooseyLoosey · 21/05/2008 08:47

Hi Campervan, I really do know how awful it is. I had such a clear vision about what my relationship would be like with my child and he didn't seem to want me. I was hurt and actually I was ashamed too that my own son did not seem to love me. It has to be one of the worst things that has happened in my life and no one can understand really if they have not been there.

Please try really hard not to be angry with your child (I was and it was awful!) - the more you push it with them in my experience the worse it becomes. I think it is just a stage, but it can last a long time and you do just have to hold on and carry on demonstrating your unconditional love.

Ds was just 5 and when he was asked what he would like for a special treat this weekend, he said he would most like to go somewhere with just him and mummy which is something I never thought I would hear 2 years ago.

AbbeyA · 21/05/2008 08:58

I also think that it is just a phase. It is hard but try not to get upset by it. Keep calm and show a united front. I should carry on normally, if Daddy starts something he finishes. Walk away if necessary-even have a walk around the block. Don't let her see that it is upsetting and I wouldn't let her have her own way if she has a hissey fit-it gives the wrong message. Finding some fun things to do with Dad would be a good idea.

tor74 · 21/05/2008 13:21

We have the exact same problem now with our DS.

At the start he would only go to Daddy and Mummy didn't get a look in for around six months. I couldn't bath him, read him a story etc but I persevered despite many tears from me (not in front of him of course) and despite his constant rejection he eventually came round.

The turning point came when one night he wouldn't settle and as usual he was crying for Daddy but I went in and sang him a lullaby for around 20 minutes. The next day he kept saying, sing the song Mummy! Something seemed to click inside him that I could be there for him too.

Now of course we have the exact opposite problem, Daddy isn't allowed to do anything and this is causing just as much upset in DH as it did for me. This morning was so bad that DH walked out. He was trying so hard to be loving and caring and all he was getting was rejection. It breaks your heart doesn't it?

Flip