Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

Original poster

Sibling Rivalry - How do you manage older child lashing out at baby?

13 replies

RuthT · 14/05/2008 20:27

Help

Just had an arguement with husband as he thinks I am punishing 2 and 3/4 old too much for behaviour to baby.

Now not sure what to do as want the behaviour to stop.

Have a little girl 2 and 3/4 old (in nursery for 3 days a week now but was full time) and a 6 week old baby.

Most of time she is fine but when I bf or she does not want to do something (like eat her dinner) she deliberatly hurts her brother.

I do time out or naughty step - which sorry of worked as she said sorry and kissed him. But she still keeps on doing it.

Tonight I did time out as she, yet again refused to have a try of her dinner and sat on her brother to avoid it. I went up to give her dinner and she put mouthful in mouth and spat it out. Then she tugged her brothers arm so I said to bed early and then went on to say that her friends would not want to play with her and neither would mummy and daddy if she continued to hurt her brother.

Husband thinks I am layering too many things on and she won't understand.

Any views or ideas - anyone else had this type of experience (all my friends seem to have angel toddlers with their siblings so it feels like I have a problem child)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Dragonbutter · 14/05/2008 20:40

DS1 was 2.9 when DS2 was born and very jealous and he became a bit horrible really.
Your little girl just wants reassurance that you still love her and is doing everything possible to get your attention off that damn baby.
Toddlers go about it in totally the wrong way though and that combined with your tiredness and being stressed that she hates her brother, it's all really crap.
I'm no expert and we still have problems 1 year on but some things that helped for us are...

be consistent with your usual discipline routine. we used the naughty step too and it still works. we also used to put the baby in his carseat by the naughty step for silly things like being too noisy. it was only for a moment but it helped the toddler realise that it's not just them that is naughty. (does that make sense?)
make some time to have one-to-one time with your toddler. I used to take DS1 for a walk round the garden centre on the weekend just me and him, or walk to the shop with me before bedtime while DH tended to baby. I found this made a huge difference.

your DH might have a point about layering things and making things too complicated. there's a risk of her already being worried that mummy isn't keen on her anymore, but also daddy and then her friends!
I think i'd say stick to the naughty step for the bad behaviour but lavish her with attention at other times.

Anyway, it does get easier as the baby becomes more interesting and interactive.

Original poster

RuthT · 14/05/2008 22:07

Thanks dragon butter. It is all stuff I know but it is good to hear it confirmed. I think that because she was so good I have taken it forgranted - she is only 2 after all.

Good reminder about doing something with her just for her - just need to work out how I can do that with the punishing breastfeeding schedule.

OP posts:

hunkermunker · 14/05/2008 22:11

Be kind to her. Praise her for being good with her little brother. You can use a squeaky baby voice for him and say "Oh, I like it when my big sister pulls funny faces" and stuff like that.

But mostly, be kind. She's had a huge change in her life and feels cast adrift - don't push her away further. She needs more cuddles than ever, not punishing.

Tough though. Try reading Siblings Without Rivalry too - good book for setting things up how you want them to go on - for instance, no competition between siblings. They've plenty of time for that in the real world!

Dragonbutter · 14/05/2008 22:16

I remember on the weekend, having to finish a feed and quickly dash off for a half hour with my toddler. It's exhausting but worth it as it really does help.

Original poster

RuthT · 16/05/2008 19:48

Well I have instituted a few tactics and they seem to be working.

I have bought a toy that she can only play with when I am feeding - it involves playing with me too. I borrowed a dvd from the library and sorted her out with drink, toilet etc before I feed and it worked.

I did always praise her for good behaviour with her brother so that is no difference so I have just added a step which is to give her stars on her reward chart.

And having had a better nights sleep I have been better at distracting her when she is too over enthusiastic

Phew - lets hope it continues, she was back to her old self today

OP posts:

Original poster

RuthT · 16/05/2008 19:49

Oh and realised that why I was getting so upset is that it was begining to feel like she did not like me anymore - which is patently not the case

OP posts:

stickyj · 16/05/2008 19:57

I always tell the mums that I work with this which my nan told me...imagine if your husband came home with a new wife, younger and prettier than you, told you to live with and everyone came in and cooed over her? Well, that's what it's like for an older sibling and no wonder they feel jealous. Just take the time to be kind to her and on no account accept "hurting" the new baby. She might have a go at him when you're not there (like one of mine did) and then you're always having to watch out. I used to put the baby in a playpen if I had to go anywhere like the toilet so mine couldn't get hold of them .

naughtymummy · 16/05/2008 20:08

Don't woorry it is normal. I was in your place a year and a bit ago DCs now 4 and 18m he was so horrible to his sister. You really do feel torn in two i know i did. But it does get better . I think your DP is right that probrably is too many things to say at once to a 2 year old, but I do understand your frustration. I read the book suggested above and now we have virtually no problems, in fact my biggest problem at the moment is collabarative naughtiness! ps they choose to sleep in the same room and if I offer 1 on 1 time to DS he says he wants his sister to come. I think they love each other more than they love me.

BarcodeZebra · 16/05/2008 20:24

If DD1 (3.3) hurts DD2 (10mo) then we pick DD2 up and cuddle her and make a huge fuss of her and completely ignore DD1. Once things have calmed down we take DD1 to one side and explain why what she did was wrong and ask here to apologise.

This has really worked. All DD1 wants is our attention and if her tactic has the opposite effect then she stops.

Initially she was horrible to her new sister and she still is on occasion but by and large she seems to really quite like her.

This is all helped by the fact that DD2 smiles and laughs at her all the time and clearly thinks her big sister is wonderful.

nappyaddict · 18/05/2008 02:23

sorry to hijack but

STICKYJ

please can you email me. it's about TWR. tobys_mummy at btinternet dot com

Sallyre · 18/05/2008 16:32

My son was 2.6 when his brother was born and what you're describing is very familiar. We also timed out and made him understand that he couldn't hurt his brother. But we also said things like "isn't this a smelly baby" when lo filled his nappy or "isn't he noisy - I wish he wouldn't cry all the time" - making him understand it was alright to feel negative feelings towards his brother - you can't expect them to love having a huge portion of attention taken away from them.

And we reinforced how clever he was - you can run and jump and eat and use the potty. Your baby can't do that. You're so clever - lots of positives and praise.

It peaks and troughs. Littlest is now 16 months and DS1 is nearly 4 and most of the time they really enjoy eachother's company....but DS1 still gets over-physical sometimes. It's normal I think...

Original poster

RuthT · 20/05/2008 21:01

Well I am well and truly in a good period now. She is consistently good. Has had a couple of minor lapses but realises she is loved.

He has started to smile and reserves his best ones for his sister, so she is getting positive feedback from him now as well.

OP posts:

JacobsPrincess · 07/06/2008 22:50

I will always remember from my teaching training that children cannot easily differentiate between positive attention (praise etc) and negative attention (punishment). Until they are about 5 or 6 (and sometimes, even older), ALL attention seems good to them! If they can do something to get your attention, like pinching shouting biting, they will! And it's more likely to work than being good, because adults tend to overlook good behaviour and get worked up about bad behaviour. You just have to try really hard to "find" the good behaviour and praise, praise, praise. I fully appreciate that this is harder than it sounds, but it makes a big difference in a classroom of 30 kids, and an even bigger difference in a family setting.
Keep up your rules and punishments (chd need to know their boundaries and that adds a sense of security to their lives) but try to find 3 positives for each negative.

Flip