I can't do this anymore. Flamechick is too hard

[Flame]

She is getting more and more difficult. Tantrums, yelling in my face. Sometimes when things change suddenly (AS issues) but mostly due to not getting her own way.

Putting her in her room just sends her into a frenzy (same with naughty places). Talking to her calmly used to work, but not any more, she just keeps yelling at me.

Ignoring, again, tends to get louder and more aggressive (foot stamping etc).

More and more frequently I am yelling back and I hate myself for it. It doesn't show her what is right, but I just cannot cope any more.

She is being lifted at night (pull ups were making her sore, she wets a lot without lifting), so is probably tired through broken nights.

She is getting unhappy at school - says people don't want to play with her... digging deeper it seems they don't want to play her games, and she won't bend to play theirs.

She is 5 next week. I know attitude often gets more at this age, but it is just too much.

I find myself not wanting to be with her.

I still have no idea if she has Aspergers or if I am making excuses for what my terrible parenting has done to her.

She failed her hearing test at school recently (waiting for audiologist referral), but years of her saying "what?" to every sentence makes me even more snappish (partly due to the word "what", partly to having to repeat every single thing I say - I have had a lifetime of repeating myself through being too quiet, I know I am not too quiet with her, and yet I am still doing it).

She deserves a better mother.

Oh Flame you are a good mother.

Dd is experiencing lots of different emotions and she doesn't know how to express herself.

You sound tired, emotionally I mean.

Is she getting any support at school ?

I'm wiped out in all areas. I can't even be a decent friend right now, I seem to have spent so long blocking other people's emotions that I feel sod all empathy

Not much in the way of support at school. They took on board my AS concerns, don't make any sudden changes etc, but when I asked yesterday about her being unhappy they said they hadn't noticed and would talk to her... I have heard nothing since, and she says her teacher hasn't spoken to her about anything

I have a workshop thing in a few weeks for special educational needs - I was invited on it for her speech issues (unclear - most likely hearing related), but I am hoping it will help with everything else too.

sounds like a mare!
with the bedwetting have you tried limiting her fluid intake 1hr before she goes to bed the taking her to the loo around when you go up? we started this with ds and she has been dry for 2wks!

Oh Flame

I'm sure you're not a terrible parent, it does sound bloody hard though, but I'm sure you are the best mother your DD could have. You are human though, you're not meant to be super strong all the time.

Sending lots of sympathies your way.

that's what we're doing - if we lift her at half ten she is fine 95% of the time, but she wakes so doesn't have an unbroken night. no lifting means 50/50 chance of wetting, which upsets her and still breaks her sleep.

Im sure your marvellous really - i have nothing useful to say other than my dd is the same age as flamechick and started school last sept also - it seems at the moment alot of parents are at a peak of attitude behaviour and stroppyness for there 4/5yr olds..... Hope yours eases and the workshop has some good tips......

I'm just so tired of it all. Sunday we had a fabulous day together as a family, oodles of quality time, and she still screamed at us for parts of it

Oh flame . Bugger all in the way of useful advice, but sending you a big hug and allowing you to nestle in my bosom for a bit!

you do have a lovely bosom to nestle in.

Can I post her to you to live in the play house?

Flame she sounds like my dd (8)

My dd has dyspraxia and it can be very hard to spot I'm not saying your dd has this but it might be worth checking it out.

BTW I am sure you are not a terrible mum

ermmm i would come and live in that playhouse!

Yes flame shoddy i know but nobody could come up with anything better.

Keep smiling - my mum says it gets better as eventually they leave home .

I saw on the speech therapy form that her balance is poor in pe, and apparently she is sometimes lacking in organisation (I dunno what that means though, she is very good at lining up toys ).

I was putting the balance down to there being an ear issue, hence the hearing test and odd speech

I feel like a bitch when I think "I don't want my baby to be "the special needs child"" It is a horrible prejudiced thing to think

You are not an awful mother
Possibly the hearing loss will be leading to increase the frustration.DD gets tantrums and I think a lot of it is lack of ability to communicate.(sn and hearing issues)
Have you posted on SN,i know you havent got a definite dx yet but they may ber able to suggest strategies re the behavioural issues.

I've done a link now, thank you.

There is a small possibility that she just got bored during the hearing test, but things make more sense with it being a hearing problem

A quick bump - collecting her soon and am already getting tense

Hearing problems can have a BIG effect on a child's behaviour. My friend's dd lost a lot of her early language development due to glue ear and it took her years to catch up and learn to get along with other children. She is fine now, and popular, does well at school, but it did take time. Also, a friend of ds struggled socially during the first years at school; again, he had hearing problems. And again, he's doing very well now.

Ooh that is interesting Cory

I spoke to my mum earlier and she thinks DD may be jealous of DS I have another thread going in Chat now (can never have too many threads about pretty much the same issue ), and it spurred me to take her out for an hour without DS.

The difference has been incredible - we have had an hour of quality time, and during that time and since we have been home there have been no tantrums, just my happy little girl.

Hi Flame,

sorry your having such a hard time of it .

If you remember my DD is also 5 and is Dxd with AS.

Lots of what you have said about your DDs behaviour sound to me like it could be down to stress at school. We have lots of very shouty outbursts from DD when things have been hard for her at school.

Its like she has to work really hard to keep to keep it all together at school and when she gets home she just explodes.

The kids at school often push her aside, so she can quite often spend an entire evening bossing DD2 around. Basically coopying the behaviour she has seen at school.

DD also has poor coordination and ballance according to her teacher, however at home she ballances standing on the edge of the bath .

Her friends at school definatley know that my DD is differant and a couple of them have asked me if she is deaf, selective hearing is also a very common problem with AS.

Makes you wonder though with flamechick failing her hearing test, if her hearing is impaired then this of corse would be an answer to why she experiancing these problems.

Have you got an appointment for the hearing test yet?

I remember my mum saying that my DSis (we think she is AS) used to come out of school and just fire her lunchbox at her in temper - the same explodey thing.

I think we have so many issues with DD Some AS, some speech, some DS jealousy.

I have no idea if it is a hearing thing or she just couldn't be bothered. She is very loud all the time, says "what?" to most things we say (she does selective mutism too, where she just doesn't acknowledge at all - when pushed we get "I tired" or "I don't want to talk").

Still no audiologist appointment. Speech therapist should be sometime soon (we were told 12 weeks approx and I remember thinking it would take us to the last 1/2 term). I have no timescale for audiologist

My mum says she is quite envious of me - even though we don't know about AS for definite, we DO know she is very much my sister as a child, and my mum was alone - no-one who was oging through it, no books, no idea that there might be something different, just that DSis was Hard Work. I agree - I am very very lucky to have all of you to turn to.

flamey there is NO WAY you are not a good mother, no way at all. i hope that things go easier for you soon.

You poor love Are you sure your DD has AS , as poor hearing can account for alot of the things you are describing aswell . But you are definately not a bad mother because you patently CARE !!! .It might be worth hounding the audiology department a bit ,so at least you will have some idea of when she will be seen ,and also check that a referral has definately been sent. Hearing difficulties compound and can cause speech problems and are so frustrating for people of all ages. I remeber being at school with a litte lad who was deaf ,his speech was terrible and he used to go off into terrible rages .My Mum taught him and asked why he didnt wear a hearing aid ,to be told by his father that there was nothing wrong with him!! Anyway my mum managed to persuade his mother to take him to be assessed and he got hearing aids and lo and behold his speech improved dramatically and so did his behaviour . Hope life improves for you soon

Sorry I missed this before, Flame.

Fingers crossed for you that dd gets her hearing test appointment soon. AFAIK hearing tests have now been included in the list of things where there are waiting list guidelines so hopefully the wait won't be too long and you'll get some answers.

I think the hearing and AS issues can sometimes be difficult to tell apart IYSWIM. When ds1 (ASD) was a toddler I thought that he had hearing difficulties. In the end it turned out that he had the opposite problem. His hearing was too good and he spent a lot of time just blocking out all noise, which made him appear to have poor hearing. He's now 7 and uses headphones at school to filter out a lot of the classroom noise. At home I have to say his name about 5 times before he realises that I am speaking to him. I spend a lot of time repeating myself when speaking to ds1.

With these kinds of tests it can also be difficult to tell whether a child fails a test because they have a problem in the area being tested, or whether it's because they haven't been concentrating/listening or haven't understood what they are meant to be doing. Ds2 (5yrs) had to have his eyesight re-tested after failing the sight test they are given while in Reception. It was very unexpected because ds2 seems to have almost exceptional vision and can spot the tiniest details from even a long distance away. The re-test showed that he had no eyesight problems at all and there was no obvious explanation as to how/why he had failed the original test.

Whatever the reason may be for dd's difficulties, I would bet lots of money that it's not that you are a bad mother.

Just re-read that last sentence and it looks as though I'm calling you a bad mother. I meant the opposite.

Lol @ calling me a bad mother!! I didn't read it like that in the slightest

We don't know with the AS either way - I swing from thinking she does and then doesn't. She has many traits, but if the spectrum is yellow for NT and red for most worst autism, she is a very very pale orange at most iyswim.

and for the poor deaf boy!!! That just seems so wrong

We don't know for sure she has a hearing problem - it could well be that she went into her own little world mid test and just stopped listening rather than couldn't hear. It explains why she is so loud all the time, and her speech, but some kids are just loud anyway!!

I'll try and get a number to find out more about when we might hear something. I was surprised that the nurse didn't say anything to her teacher .