Really need some advice re kids answering back

[MilaMae]

Not very proud of myself but just shouted at ds(41/2) for answering back saying "I'm not having back chat" in a rather aggressive tone etc.

Basically he and his twin were pushy each other off the sofa arm while I was sorting dd out before taking them all to pre-school-we were late. I asked them nicely twice to stop doing it.They carried on so I sent them upstairs, general mucking about going on not playing properly etc.

Me very stressed and up against it at this point. I shouted "play with something properly' and dt shouted back "I am" in a very insolent manner with a sigh(he wasn't). I lost it and did the don't back chat tirade, then said I was taking away his CD player until he learnt not to answer back.

I had a very strict childhood and it feels wrong not letting kids answer back(I was always in trouble for answering back and would probably have had a smack for doing so). We never smack and never will but shouting like I just did doesn't feel right either especially when I loose my temper as a result of being stressed so not behaving as I should do. Was I over the top re the CD player?

They are all lovely dc most of the time but this answering back thing is annoying dp and myself as it sounds so rude and we don't want it. However I hate dc not being allowed to stand up for themselves even though I don't like it iykwim. Should kids be allowed to have their say or not?

Really can't get my head round it all, need to find out the correct way of dealing with it as suspecting as they get older it increases. Any experienced mums out there who could give me some much need advice?

I think it's really your own childhood you're worrying about here iyswim. The scene you described doesn't sound very shocking to me in any way. Children do talk back, parents lose their patience and shout, we all have days when we are not at our most patient and controlled. Sounds like you were all having a bit of an irritable time. As long as your general relationship with your dc's is good, they're not going to end up cowed just because you've had the occasional off morning. I suspect that what went on in your childhood was a lot more, and a lot more damaging, than this.

If you yourself felt you were a bit impatient, then it is perfectly ok to say to them later in the day, 'I'm sorry I got a bit shouty this morning' and then you can all have a big hug. This will not undermine your discipline and they won't lose respect for you ever after.

I agree with cory. My DS is only 2, so am far from experienced, but I really admire what my sister did with her kids (who are now 16 and 18 and have turned out really gorgeous people). She would have probably snapped like you did during a stressy time with kids being a bit annoying. But she made time to let them talk to her about their thoughts as well. So she didn't allow back chat but made it clear that she wanted to hear their thoughts & feelings. She actually did weekly family meetings, which I guess a lot of people will groan at, but they seemed to work for her family. Her kids could put things on the agenda eg. little things like Why do we have spag bol all the time, can't we have jacket potato? or big things like 'I'm unhappy at school'. It gave the kids a voice but also it meant they could use their 'voice' at an appropriate time in a respectful way. If they felt they were being shouted down by her, they'd put it on the agenda for the next family meeting, and then they'd all talk about it together. It really seemed to work. And I'll be having family meetings with my DS & DH once DS is 3 or 4, having seen how well it worked. Even though I know people will groan!

I think that it is a good idea the becster, especially when you have twins who must be hard work! If I get bad tempered when stressed I apologise afterwards. I think they are less likely to answer back if they know they have a voice. My suggestion is that you refuse to listen to them when they are rude but agree that when everyone has calmed down you will discuss the issue.