PIL who smack - any advice?

[sven]

I have just witnessed my MIL and SIL (quite gently -although I'm not sure that that matters) smacking the hand of SIL's DD because she wouldn't leave a glass coaster alone (she is only just one and I just don't think she 1 - understands what no means yet and 2 - doesn't understand why she can't touch some things). Although I am anti-smacking, I do feel it's up to individuals to make their choices about the way they want to discipline their children and so didn't interfere - just watched aghast. However what concerns me (and is the reason for my thread) is that I would be outraged if either of them did that to my DD. My MIL does look after her sometimes and while I know I don't have all the answers about how to discipline children I don't really feel confident enough to be able to tell MIL not to use any physical punishment (I think her reaction would be "I've brought up two children and they've turned out alright and I smacked them etc etc). Whereas before I felt completely comfortable leaving DD with MIL now I feel very uncomfortable. Does any one have any good suggestions of how to deal with this? I should add that my DD is 8 months old and so hasn't done anything that has required any kind of punishment (yet!).

Sven, IMO a one year old is too young to understand about a glass coaster, they should have moved the damn thing for goodness sake, not smacked the child for wanting to touch it!! Next time MIL has dd could you try saying something like "we've agreed we won't smack dd and so you're welcome to tell her off or stop her doing dangerous things but we'd rather you didn't use a smack? Thanks." I know it's hard with PILs but I do think you have the right to lay down the law on this one. You don't have to get into a discussion about it, just state your wishes calmly and leave it at that.

I do think you need to say these things - after all, your dd can't, so you have to say it for her. If you MIL gets offended because she can't hit your baby, then maybe you shouldn't leave her with her. I'm VERY anti-smacking, and wouldn't tolerate anyone hitting my child, no matter how 'gently'. And of course, they should have moved the stupid coaster! Maybe you should tell her that you don't plan to smack your daughter and you want to bring up her up without anyone smacking her, and see her reaction.

I completely agree with Aloha, I don't believe anyone has the right to hit anyone else, regardless of who they are or what the relationship between them is. My mum once smacked our daughter (4), she meant it as a 'playful' smack, but I wasn't having it, neither was my daughter, we both turned round outraged to my mum and said 'we DON'T smack!!'. I wouldn't hit anyone, & I'm certainly not having anyone hit my child!!

I think your MIL stepped out of line. I'd imagine to a young child, a smack from a near stranger must seem even more shocking than a smack from a loving parent.
I'm not 100% anti smacking, but would certainly be cross if an inlaw smacked my child unless the child was in dire danger.

If you send your child to a childminder the issue of smacking is taken very seriously. Am I right in thinking it is against the law now? Anyway you would be asked how you would like your child to be controlled and disciplined ie time outs, or not etc.

How about broaching the smacking issue with your inlaws by saying you have been considering using a childminder, but would only use one who operates a strict no smacking rule, because you are totally against anyone smacking your dd. Hopefully this would get the message across without getting personal.

Whew, Sobernow, what a zinger. But he had it coming and that thought is usually in the backs of our heads when we are told smacking "never hurt" people who are clearly now adults with problems!
Agree with what others have said - a one year old is not going to understand about the fragility of a glass coaster and the thing should not have been within reach. Also have a slight suspicion that if you did leave dd with your MIL, Sven, she'd listen to your views on smacking and then carry on regardless. Sorry, but in my experience the older generation tends to say "yeah, yeah" and then revert to their remembered parenting style. I think you are right to feel uncomfortable.

Well, for a slightly different input. I do believe in smacking, but agree that a one year old is too young to smack. And I'm not sure playing with a coaster that should be out of reach is really something that a child should be smacked for at any age. In any case, regardless of how I feel about smacking, I certainly recognize that it is a parent's right to determine how they wish to have their child disciplined. You should be straightford with your mil regarding your wishes re smacking. That doesn't mean that you have to be confrontational or disrespectful. And if your mil tries to tell you that she smacked and it turned out ok, I think that you could respond by saying that there is more than one right way to bring up a child and not smacking is how you choose to bring up yours. This way you aren't seeming to make judgements about her mothering abilities. You could even ask her for suggestions on how to discipline without smacking so that she feels respected and wanted and perhaps has more incentive to participate in something that might be quite new and different for her....
Anyway, it's just some ideas. I am on my second mil so I do have some appreciation for the need to keep the peace even if you don't really want to bring up your children the way she brought hers up (as is the case with both of mine).

I think Sofia makes some good points. There is also the issue of consistency of approach. You are asking your MIL to be consistent with your approach to discipline - surely that is less confusing and more effective for your child?

There are some good suggestions here as to how to broach the subject and I agree that you have to do so. The problem with smacking is that it's not really something you can compromise on with different carers in the way you can with, say, eating chocolate or having treats. So you have to make clear your own approach or you'll run into all sorts of problems if you feel uneasy about it.
My mil is very old school, and said to dh that she doesn't think I trust her with the children (fortunately she's not up to taking care of them by herself) as I tend to follow her round the house. He just ummed and erred but she's right, I don't trust her and one of the reasons is because I've seen her try to smack both of them when she thinks I'm not looking! She is obsessed with 'discipline' and genuinely believes that children should be seen and not heard, and that our approach is simply wrong. So there is no way I can change her mind and as a result I adopt the approach of never leaving her alone with them for a minute! But it's hardly ideal.

Thanks for all of your input. Everyones' comments have encouraged me to broach the subject with MIL. DH agrees with my view on smacking so that will help - he's just rubbish at talking about anything like this though - he seems to think of things in a much more black and white way than I do! While reading the points made I remembered another incident where FIL said to SIL's baby "If you carry on doing that you'll get a smacked bottom" so I know that this kind of punishment is the first one that comes to their minds. I'm just going to have to pluck up the courage.....

Consider having your husband with you when you have a chat with MIL. Even if he doesn't say anything, your MIL will (hopefully) be able to see that he agrees with you which should reinforce what you say.

Hi Sven, really glad you're going to say somthing to your PIL, it's way too important not to do anything. Know how hard it is to say something like that to your in laws but I'm sure you'll feel much better once it's done. Good Luck!!

We made it clear to my parents that we use a naughty chair for behaviour that warrants it. If we tell ds off and he continues, we put him in the nearest chair and say he has to stay there until he can behave. He can get off the chair whenever tho, usually does after 5 mins, and then gives a big cuddle as a sorry! So far it has worked and my parents have now adopted this (I was smacked as a child although not often). I think it helps them to know what they can do to discipline where needed and it means whoever looks after ds is consistent. It also helps to calm us down as we can put ds in chair and walk away to 'gather our thoughts'!!