Child tries to hurt sibling on the stairs

[OneNewOchreTurtle]

My two daughters were coming down the stairs this evening and the 3 year old said “I’ll win!” and the 7 year old stepped onto the 3 year olds dress which I saw and shouted “what are you doing? Are you trying to hurt your sister?!” My husband heard and asked what had happened and I explained what I had seen and he put her straight into her bedroom. After about 20min I went in and asked her if she knew why she was in there - which she did. i asked if she knew what could have happened to her sister and she said no. I explained she could have fallen down the stairs and gotten seriously injured.

There was another incident a few weeks ago where my husband was doing bath for the girls and walked out to get a towel from the other bathroom and as soon as he had walked out the older one pushed the little one and she got a bruise on her head. She had been annoyed about some toy which is why my husband decided to stop the bath. She didn’t straight away admit to pushing her, but I could see in her face she wasn’t being honest but she swore she hadn’t done anything. I almost believed her but after she had calmed down I spoke to her and she admitted she had done it “accidentally on purpose” - that she didn’t mean to hurt her but she just got so angry she couldn’t control herself.

I don’t know how we should deal with her.

She is highly sensitive with some sensory issues. She does amazing at school, teachers are always giving only good feedback about her. She has loads of friends, but is very bossy with them whenever I see her- but they say she’s not like that at school.

To be honest, the first incident sounds like childish lack of judgement. Her sister said she'd win, so your seven year old went to slow her down, without thinking about what could happen. Now, at seven, I'd generally expect better risk awareness around not messing about on stairs, and obviously that wasn't playing fair – but it doesn't sound like she actually tried to hurt her sister, and I think that distinction is important.

The second incident again sounds like a childish loss of control, but again, perhaps a bit behind what you'd expect at seven – most have grown out of hitting and pushing by seven (although with siblings can be the exception!).

Do these fit into a broader pattern around lack of impulse control or risk awareness? Your last paragraph could fit with a girl who is autistic or has autistic traits, but is currently managing or just about managing. Is that something you're wondering about at all?

This.
Children do this sort of thing. Don't demonise your elder one for what is just something that is just lack of judgement.

Shouting at her and leaving her to stew on her own in her bedroom is hardly an ideal response.

She does struggle a lot with emotions and she is behind with her PSED, always has been. She is ahead in other areas. I have wondered from when she was 9months old if she was showing signs of autism as she started head banging against the wall. We struggled a lot with her when she was younger. Things have improved significantly. We were told she would never get a diagnosis for autism because the school doesn’t have any concerns, she has great eye contact, imaginative play etc. One doctor told us she may have autistic traits, but that she wouldn’t qualify for a diagnosis.

If someone speaks to me of someone with autism or I see a girl with autism, I often think that’s exactly what DD does! But from them you can see even from the outside that they could be autistic as they avoid looking in your eyes. My DD doesn’t do that, she can present really really well and people think she is such a sweet clever girl. Then when we say the issues we have with her at home they can’t believe it.

I appreciate it wasn’t the best way to deal with her but it was such a shock to us as we got scared of how our little one could have fallen down the stairs. We have zero tolerance for her hurting her sister and she has to know that. Apart from these occasional incidents she is an absolutely amazing sister, the issues are mostly with just me. When her dad is around for longer periods the issues are with him too but he travels a lot so is hardly here.

i do really worry about her mental health as there are times she says she wants to die. She used to hurt herself a lot, but has stopped doing that. I am lost really at what to do and if pursuing for diagnosis is in her best interest or a label she has to carry around. I do think she needs support/help and I have been thinking of booking her in for play therapy, we’re happy to pay for it privately.