party invites which include both adults and children - what rules do you lay down? or, as host, what rules do you expect guest children to adhere to?

[tigermoth]

We're all going to a small new years day gathering tomorrow and something has suddenly occurred to me: I don't know the hosts or their house very well. I will tell our two boys the ususal things: say please and thank you, don't touch ornaments or kitchen appliances, don't wander into closed rooms, etc etc. But I still never know exactly how much to contain and control them, when the territory is new and the host is unknown.

I tend to take my cue from the host, but also realise that some hosts are too polite to say what exactly is OK and what is not, especially in company.

Any tips on controlling two boisterous boys in a strange house appreciated. And if you ever hold parties for parents and children, what do you expect from the guest parents re control of their offspring?

Ah, well.. ok. Anything written here in no way reflects on how I think you or your sons would behave (I'm assuming beautifully) or the vast majority of our guests have been. (They've been not only above reproach, but extremely helpful.)

So here goes. These are my expectations as a hostess with two boys, nearly 5 years old and 15 months.

First, for any gathering where I need to be the "hostess" (um, y'know, in quotes), I have a babysitter come for my younger son. The babysitter is his babysitter and unless it's been explicitly said out loud, is not any other child's babysitter. This means that the babysitter is not, in fact, responsible for a room full of children... just for my younger son. My first rule, therefore, is that if one brings one's kids, one is responsible for one's kids. (Can I just use "you" please? I don't mean you, Tigermoth, I mean the general "you"... it's just that one finds "one" so awkward.)

Ok, so the second rule. Anything my kids aren't allowed to do, yours aren't. This means playing the piano, even if you think it's a stupid rule. It's my house and well, we're just stupid that way and it gives me a headache, especially the way your daughter bangs on it. That's a really obvious one, of course, but you wouldn't believe the people that try and find the reason for the rule and then work a way around it.

My eldest son is allowed places by himself. This does not mean that if you feel your child should be watched in those places that I should have any part in the watching. While I don't want your child to get hurt, I have stuff to do and can't tag team keeping an eye on the boys. This paragraph needs a rule number three: don't make me watch your child for you.

And don't let them whine at me or ask me for things I can't give them or wouldn't give my sons. It's just annoying.

The best guests to our house have been the ones that have taken in my elder boy (fine on his own but finer with some friends) and explored his dirty fish tank, misplaced books and completely disheveled bedroom. They've played with the younger boy and gooed and cooed at him until he was full of content. They've helped me out, which is far more than I can hope for in a guest, but get it time after time.

So, see this post as the rant it was. It doesn't matter what gets spilled and it doesn't matter if stuff gets broken (I've had good guests who have broken stuff and bad guests that haven't). If you try and be good guests, you will be.

Oh dear, forgot the most important. Have fun. Even if it's stressful (what isn't with kids?) let the hosts know you had a good time and would have rather been there than anywhere else. If all else fails, pretend and keep up the show. Preferably while doing it, because sometimes in the pretending, the reality comes into its own.

That's what makes it.

Tigermoth, I reckon you should just expect your boys to be themselves and if you're not sure whether something is allowed, ask the host if it's OK or not. I did recently have a party for lots of adults and kids and I expected everyone to be responsible for their own kids but I also expected that all the adults would keep a vague eye on all the children too. And we all did and it was good. If you want to be able to keep them occupied, could you take some favourite presents with you? Gameboys, that kind of thing? Anyway, hope you have a great time.

thanks for the replies - I will definitely be packing the gameboy, www.

JJ your message sounds like a real cry from the heart - have you had your share of nightmare guests amongst the good ones? You seem to speak from great experience. We have have not held many parent and child gatherings, so good to get such an eloquent host's perspective on things.

As both of you say, the golden rule is to take responsibility for your own children. I will also remember to make my children adhere to any house rules, JJ, even if they are not ones I impose in my own home.

No danger of not enjoying the party - there are very few places to take children on a rainy new years day, after all!

I think it's a brave thing to host a gathering today of all days. I do hope the hosts aren't nursing hangovers. If so, we'll be treading extra carefully.

Too late now but I would ask the hosts if there is anything the boys shouldn't touch, anywhere they shouldn't go etc. As a guest, I do expect the hosts to have made some effort to stop children from going where they're not wanted - for example, I always lock our bedroom door and put things in there that I don't want touched. I also lock the upstairs bathroom and put a stairgate across the spare bedroom which is not child friendly. As we have no cupboard locks in the kitchen I either gate the kitchen or warn other parents and keep an eye out. Everywhere else is fair game. If a child gets hold of something they shouldn't, I have to take some of the blame as it shouldn't have been accessible. An incident with a bottle of blue ink, 4 under 4s and DS1s bedroom carpet springs to mind (no, I'll never let you forget it completely sb34 )

If there's something like JJs piano, I'd expect the host to have pointed this out on arrival and not expect me to be psychic

I always expect my children to behave better in someone elses house than they do in our own. This even holds for grandparents' houses. However, I would let them take their lead from the hosts children if they're a similar age.

The parents are indeed responsible for their children at all times except, for example, if one came into the kitchen where I was cooking in which case I would either remove them or keep an eye on them.

I would be happy for/expect the host to tell my child not to do something they felt was inappropriate and to reprimand them or to tell me about it.

I've just come back from a new year's eve dinner party where there were 8 under 5s. We all know the hosts well and the children were wonderful. Yes, they bounced on the hosts bed, they trashed their DD1s bedroom, they were incredibly loud but I was confident that the hosts would have stopped anything they did not want happening and would have taken steps to secure anything they did not want touched/bounced on.

I do think responsibility works both ways in these situations. Yes, I'm psychic in that I can tell when the boys are up to no good but not if I don't know what they're doing is wrong

soupdragon, I totally agree that responsibiilty works both ways - how I dread being invited to a house, boys on tow, to find the host has not made any effort to put away dangerous or fragile things or lock doors, or make it clear what places are out of bounds. If I am making an effort to socialise with fellow guests and keep and eye on my boys, I am even less psychic than usual.

JJ just to say there was a piano at the gathering we have just attended, but luckily ds was allowed to play it (or should I say play with it). In fact the host wants to get rid of the piano and asked if I was interested in acquiring it. And another guest is a music teacher and gave me his phone number. Feels like fate is saying get your ds to music lessons in 2003.

we only stayed an hour and a half - I thought a short visit was a safe option. Outstaying a welcome is very easy when you have children, I think. Another rule to add to the list. Keep it short and sweet if you don't know the host or house too well.

Man, I sound like a real Miss Priss, huh?

Here's the piano story:
Ok, so it was on a playdate, but it was one of the few big reasons that I did something I still feel bad about (more on that in a minute). Here's the situation: She (the mother), her two kids (3 and 7) and my two (4 1/2 and about a year) are playing upstairs with us, by the piano. It's getting late, nearly to our bed time. One of my sons starts banging on the piano, but I stop him, say it's too late (we have neighbours and it's too late for me) and he stops. Seconds later, her daughter starts banging on the piano (the 3 yo) and I say that we're not playing the piano now, maybe next time. Her mom is right there, listening. Ok, fine so far.. the daughter wanders away. Two minutes later she comes back, opens the piano and starts banging away again. Her mother says a grand total of nothing, but I tell her (the daughter) again that it's not time to play the piano and say to her mom that it's a bit late for it. Her mother tells me that it's not really that late and the neighbours won't mind and tells her daughter it's ok to keep playing! Agh! Sheer disbelief kept me from saying anything for a couple of minutes until my husband calls up and asks if it's ok to stop playing the piano and also offers to give the woman and her daughters a ride to the station so that they won't miss their train. (Done in a very friendly helpful manner....) So that's what my deal is with the piano. Seriously, can you imagine? It was horrible. And, truthfully, when I say "banging", I do mean banging. No music there.

Anyway, she's the impetus for most of what I wrote. The reasons were similar to the piano story-- stuff that's almost unbelievable, to me at least, and things that no one who had even given the matter an ounce of thought would have done. We have one big bash a year for Thanksgiving. It's a sit down dinner and this year we had 14 adults and 8 kids. For me this is a large group of people and I decided that I simply couldn't handle inviting aformentioned woman with kids to the dinner. It would have made all of the other guests miserable, I think, not just because of the piano playing, but much other stuff that I haven't mentioned. Not horrible, but not worth sacrificing my guests and my evening. Bah! She knew about it and expected to be invited, which is why I felt bad.

It is funny how particular incidents make you lay down rules. We have hens, and 3 days in a row, other people's children collected the eggs and broke them. My children are great, have been collecting the eggs since they could walk and know how to carry them safely - sure we've had our share of accidents. Anyway, I now say that no-one is to go and see the hens w/out me there. sounds really anal as they adore it, but it really bugs me to be short on eggs because they keep getting smashed.
The key, though, is to make your "strong" rules, the ones that really matter to you, clear before they become an issue.
I know this is an ancient topic, but I was just browsing - what I think is sad is that while everyone who has posted on this topic seems to have a modicum of common sense/decency, there are so many parents who really couldn't care less what their children do in other people's houses, and they are Hell for the hostess.

I hadn't come across this thread before, thanks lady for reviving it. I used to have a very good friend whose children unfortunately I couldn't stand! I put the stairgate up once before they arrived, knowing her DS would demand to go upstairs (all the toys were downstairs). Sure enough, they arrived & he immediately demanded to go upstairs. I said no, & showed him where the toys were. He kept going up to the gate & giving me a look. His mum said "he can climb that" !!! He was 4 at the time.

I'm really concious of the way my children behave in other people's houses. As DS1 has ADHD, I actually don't go to anyone unless I know them really well - usually when they've been to us a few times and know what he is like!! It does make accepting family invitations tricky - but I think it also makes me pretty tolerant of the way other people's children behave - ALWAYS better than mine!!