Hi all!
So, I have been in an acrimonious custody battle these past 7 months for my DS (age. 3 years and 5 months). The relationship with my ex partner was abusive, and involved a lot of coercive control/ verbal/ psychological abuse. Ex is from France, and so does not live in this country. Ex partner was not involved much in DS life and I was able to leave the relationship nearly two years ago and am living with my parents. Ex partner did not interact or ask to see DS for almost a year post separation, then he out of the blue issued a court order for joint custody. Ex partner then had a social worker to oversee contact with DS as he displayed the need to have extra support (it was later revealed that ex has an ASD diagnosis). DS did not cope well with the contact sessions, and was distressed to be apart from me. Ex, via the court, employed an independent social worker (who is French) to monitor the contact, and he pays for their time. I have noticed as contact has progressed, DS has significantly regressed in his behaviour. In the beginning, DS was crying the entire session, and I would pick him up with vomit down his clothes where he had been crying so much. As contact continues to progress, I have noticed a significant regression in DS's development. DS has always been a very 'hands-on' child, and does require constant attention to address his needs. DS also has sensory issues, and is still putting everything in his mouth, including non -edibles. This means he needs 24hr watching. This has recently involved him chewing the furniture, leaving teeth marks. He also has never slept through the night, and wakes approx. 3 times throughout.
However since proceedings, when I pick DS from contact, he is often asleep (despite contact only being 4 hours), and when he wakes he is vacant and he cannot recognise I am in front of him, almost catatonia-like. He then does not recognise I am there when he wakes, and calls for me for a long time after. Then, he becomes violent and starts hitting and will not calm down. He has punched me several times, until he realises I am there then he immediately calms. He has also started to self-harm by biting his hand when frustrated or overloaded. He has also started biting me and others. He also also begun to show a plethora of ASD associated behaviours that previously I did not notice too much, but have now become heightened (strong aversion to sound, the dark, does not cope with change). I noticed this specifically when he attended a musical club, and he could not follow instruction like his peers and instead ran around in circles alone, and started licking the walls.
I informed the independent social worker on the case, and she immediately and harshly dismissed my concerns. I said I would like him to be tested for ASD, so we can better understand and address his concerns and to better care for him in the future. She did not understand why I would want to 'label' him, and that he could not have ASD as he is a 'handsome, and intelligent child'. She went on to say how we should treat him 'like a regular child'. I found her comments alarming, and downright archaic, and she continues to press on and ignore his deterioration.
DS attended lots of baby and toddler clubs when he was younger, and used to be very intrigued by the other children, and immediately go and hold their hand. DS attended nursery last week for the first time, and they provided a report of his time, and they could not offer him a place due to the extra needs he displayed. He became vacant the entire time, did not interact with the toys, nor children. He only called for me. Nursery stated that it would be of great benefit to have him tested for ASD.
Ex partner is also refusing to allow DS to have a test, alongside the social worker still. She wants DS to go to France with herself and Ex partner as soon as possible (despite DS never having the night with Ex, and DS and myself co-sleep as he will refuse to sleep alone). I just do not see how it is legal to deny a child the rights to seek further support through an ASD test?
Advice greatly appreciated!!