4 year old not coping at school

[RisetteMcG]

For some context I'm 27 suffering with a benign brain tumour and PTSD. My son triggers my PTSD which I am extremely ashamed of so please do not call me out for this.

My 4 year old started school is September 2024. There are 60 children in his class as they have merged 2 classrooms together. After 4 weeks of starting the headmaster asked to reduce his timetable to one hour a day. Initially I said no due to the fact I needed to work to earn money but the headmaster insisted stating "we have to make sacrifices as parents". I complied and gave up work which has massively affected my MH. For context the school say he hits, bites, spits, swears and throws tantrums. My husband also was off work since the reduced timetable began but has had to go back to work after facing medical discharge from the Military and that would mean we lose our home and everything. My husband now feels extremely guilty as he knows this is affecting my MH massively.

School have constantly been saying since how he is not coping with school and have sent him home on numerous occasions saying he is not being safe towards himself and others. He never displays anything like this at home but the school say he is likely masking at home. They've insisted we keep my son on the reduced hours.

My boy is currently waiting for an appointment for a diagnosis of possible ODD, ADHD and Autism, he's been suspended from school last week for his outbursts and behaviour, so I am currently at home with him. He was meant to go back yesterday but I feel like it is unfair on him to be constantly sent home. I understand they want to keep other children safe but I feel like a failure and that the school see him as nothing more than a naughty child. I have explained why him being on reduced timetable is mentally challenging for me but was asked "what do I want them to do about it".

I talked to my son yesterday about school and his exact words are "I like learning on my own and I get frustrated with so many people". He enjoys phonics and maths and is actually extremely good at them but does get distracted after a few minutes of learning.

My son is so lovely at home, I won't deny he's had the same outbursts at home but I could count on one hand how many times that's been and it's usually to do with things a normal 4 year old would be upset about.

I'm at a loss, the school say they've done EVERYTHING they can to help him and when I asked what changes after he is diagnosed the headmaster said "not a lot as we are doing everything".

I feel like a failure, I feel like I am not worthy of being a parent. I don't know why I'm posting really, I guess for some advice or cheering up.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

Bump

Hey lovely,

First of all I want to say so sorry that this is impacting your MH, I truly feel for you having been in a similar position with my DS who started preschool in Sept 24.

What interventions have school put in place to meet your sons needs? Have they got a plan on how to get him back up to full days?

When this happened to us, we worked with the school to come up with a support plan and agreed some targets that once he reached, school would reinstate him on full days.

Have you discussed applying for an EHCP with school? You do not need a diagnosis for this - and sounds like this could benefit your DC going forward.

Sending hugs xx

They haven’t done everything and they’re denying your son an education. What they mean is, they don’t have extra funding for him and an EHCP could secure something like a 1:1 to keep him an others safe. Waiting lists for assessments are long in the nhs - what resources have school put in place? Most will have local arrangements from somewhere like a PRU for behaviour support - have they explored this? Does he have an IEP? They’re likely getting away with this because he’s not statutory school age yet. So aside from asking them what they’ve done to try to address his behaviour I would also

• contact your local SEND service - have a look to see what your SEND local offer is and get in touch with advocacy like SENDIASS.
• most areas will also have an early help offer via the local authority that you can self refer to.

You need to pull in professional support and go HARD. It’s not good enough to tell a parent who’s openly saying they’re struggling. If school are not able to meet need, they need to formalise this and trigger support services. I’m sorry you’re having to do this and you’re in for a long battle but please know that you’re not alone and your son is entitled to an education.

This is dreadful. Your child obviously has additional needs. As an ex Special Needs teacher I am shocked that your child is in a class of 60! The most we had was 6! He can't be the only child struggling with that. Definitely move forward with getting a diagnosis and an EHCP sorted out. The school are NOT doing everything, and I would be looking at different schools. I've never heard of a parent being told to give up their job - that's so wrong. You are definitely not a bad parent. You are doing your best for your child. Keep listening to him when he's telling you its difficult for him to cope in such a large class. It's great that he can express himself in this way at 4. Please, please look after your mental health too.

@Frazzled83 Great advice!

Another one suggesting requesting an EHCNA. You can do this yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

If you want DS to attend more, he can, unless the school formally suspends. Don’t worry if the school suspends it will a) provide evidence of unmet needs to help you pursue additional support, b) force the school to follow due process, c) limit the number of days the school can suspend for, and d) allow you to challenge any suspension. What the school is currently doing is unlawfully, informally excluding DS. Being below compulsory school age doesn’t change that. The statutory suspension and permanent exclusion guidance applies to those below CSA except for the elements where it specifically says so. You have the right to send DS part time if you so wish, but that is your decision.

Be careful with SENDIASS. Some are good but too many repeat the LA’s unlawful policies and practices.

Why did you type bump afterwards?

It would help to know what you class as normal 4 year old behaviours.
Because honestly if it was your child that was getting bitten, hit and spat at I wouldn't be happy that they had to be in the same classroom as your son.
What punishment are you putting in place at home for these in school behaviours?

At what point did I say he was normal or that his behaviour was normal? I said he's not like it at home and has normal 4 year old tantrums at home, such as wanting to stay up longer etc but that doesn't mean I said hes normal or hitting etc is normal.

I did say I could count on one hand the times its happened. Has he hurt me once in 4 yeara? Yes. Do I expect it on the off chance? Yes, I'd be insane not to expect a child to lash out once or twice in their life towards their mum.

I'm guessing you don't understand why special needs children lash out? I certainly feel awful when I am told, but I DO NOT punish him for having feelings or emotions that get too much for him to handle. I dont punish the children that lash out at my boy either, I dont understand whats going on in their minds other than they need extra support and love.

If he has hurt someone then we talk about what happened, talk about his feelings and I explain why we can't do that, if he isn't understanding then the consequence is 5 minutes less to watch tv or take away a toy.

I was after advice, if you have none to give then please don't try and be smart with me, I am not the one.

Actually I have 2 children with special needs ASD, ADHD, ODD plus more; and I know they do actually need punishment for hitting, biting and spitting at others. If you don't then once they get older you'll have bigger issues.
Mine are 16 and 14 now and I can count on 1 finger how many times they've hit me!

Probably to move the post up in the active threads and get some more responses?

Punishing a 4 year old, especially a ND child, at home for something that happened at school is not age appropriate.

@RisetteMcGhave you been offered an OT assessment or SALT?

You’ve had some great advice d on here, from most posters, already.

I would recommend checking out the SN Children Section which is usually very supportive and helpful

This is so hard, I’m so sorry you are going through this. School were wrong to force him onto a reduced timetable, I think it’s actually illegal as a child has a right to access a full time education.
My advice would be to apply for an EHCP. School will probably say you can’t, that there isnt enough evidence etc but ignore them and apply yourself. For an assessment to take place you only need to prove that there is possibility of SEND. Your evidence will include the fact he isn’t managing full days. There are some good SEND groups on fb with lots of advice. For a template letter for requesting ehcp have a look at the IPSEA website. Lots of good information there. I hope things get better for you

For an assessment to take place you only need to prove that there is possibility of SEND.

Not quite. The legal test is a) has or may have SEN, and b) may need special educational provision to be made via an EHCP. On its own, a possibility of SEN is not enough.

I’m so sorry to hear all this, it must be very challenging. You have your DH potentially losing his job, your home and your son struggling to adapt into school.

I don’t know if you have considered, but possibly your son sounds to have undiagnosed SEN, large Primaries can be a sensory overload for some children. Some react with avoidance ie wanting to hide and others are more “seeking” and will hit / bite / thump etc. if your child is undiagnosed the school can refer, but the waiting list is shocking. As much as it is upsetting, I would speak to the school and ask for their opinion and would an alternative school provision work and which one? Ask for the SEN Lead to be included in any meetings. I have heard of Reception classes being merged and 60 children in a large class - sounds awful for many children! Small Infant schools can be a blessing for many, sadly they’re on the decline as often schools cannot afford to operate this small anymore.

if you now have autonomy to where you live, ask your SEN Lead for recommendations for schools so you can look to relocate nearby. I wish you luck and strength.

Hi you mentioned you are a military family. I don’t know what service your DH is in but could I recommend contacting your Families Federation? They’re independent and they really helped me with my education/SEND queries. Good luck!

Is there another viable school. 60kids in a class is unfathomable for NT, and insane for SEND kids. Half that is still a struggle for most!! X

Is there another school that you can transfer to? Look at the layout of the space as if it is two form entry then the space will be shared by the two classes of 30. If you go for a one form entry then there will be less pupils.

are you able to go in and observe the behaviours? Or sit with your child while you are off work to see what’s happening

the school sound like they are illegally excluding him so look at their policy and the law on exclusions.

I decided not to send my ds who is ND to our catchment school as they did something similar with merging classes and I knew it would totally stress him out. His school luckily put an IEP in place pretty quickly and he had a lovely one to one (he was non verbal then). If your ds didn't have any issues in previous settings I would definitely look at a different school with much smaller classes. Where was your ds when you worked? Could he go back there for a few hours a day?