Challenging behaviour - spitting, hitting, defiance

[KDM73]

My son is 3.8 years old. Always been head-strong and quite exhausting (but also lots of fun and a smart boy).

We’ve been having issues with spitting and hitting at home for a while now. He manages well at nursery so does have an element of control over this. He’s an only child and gets plenty attention and play, but still seeks a reaction from hitting/spitting. It seems quite extreme at times e.g. spat in dad’s face when they were reading a story together, then runs about the house laughing and spitting repeatedly at us, on the floor, at our pet; he spits at me in the car repeatedly and is clearly seeking a reaction whilst I’m driving; he spits at grandparents. I’d say spitting/hitting is now daily and not always out of anger (seems like a habit for attention). If he doesn’t like a boundary, he’ll walk up to me and spit on me, kick, punch me (sometimes in my face). It is very hard to get him to stop doing something e.g. he was covering my furniture in stickers and I gave him a book to put them in instead; he just pushes my hand out the way and continues stickering furniture, despite repeated instruction (when stickers were therefore removed, he starts hitting and spitting, then seems to want to do anything naughty thereafter!). We’re back to him fighting everything - dressing, teeth, shoes on etc.

We’re trying rewards for hands to self etc, distractions, redirection and consequences (like removal of a toy). We think ignoring/distraction is probably most effective but I just can’t ignore him walking up to me and repeatedly spitting and spitting all over the house (sometimes 20-30 times). We also try timeout with a timer and I usually have to hold him as he hits/punches/spits - he just seems out of control in his own body at times and all over the place. Time out sometimes helps to calm him but he often wriggles away.

Just wondering if anyone has been in this position and if/when things calmed down? Nobody else I speak to has this issue! I feel like we maybe just have to wait on him developing a bit more? I don't think he’s neurodivergent. It just feels tedious and not much fun at times and he has been this way on and off since he was really little, with short calmer speeds in between.

Thanks 😃

I don't think he’s neurodivergent

I woukd have a think about why it is that you think that @KDM73.

Lots of DC do hit but will be growing out of it by now.

One thing with lots of ND DC is that they don't respond to regular behaviour techniques like time out.

Have you ever read a book about trying to help the behaviour of a child who is like your DS is? I'd suggest trying The Explosive Child.

I'd also recommend doing this simple SLT progress checker. It will tell you if he needs a bit of support with SLT.

Could you book in with the HV too and ask her to assess him?

You'll need to fill in the 36 month Ages and Stages. Not 100% sure in your DS' age, you might need the 40 month one if he's a little too old for the one I linked to.

I'd also fill in the 36 month Social & Emotional Ages & Stages.

You can fill them in and score them yourself, please feel free to come back and discuss the results with us.

Alternatively, you can fill them in and ask the HV to score them for you.

Let us know how you get on

@TinyMouseTheatre thanks for your help ❤️

Re ND, he just doesn’t quite fit criteria and has so many behaviours that go against ND. I’ve contacted the H/V so we will hopefully be able to problem solve things and introduce some visuals. He’s so head strong and quick to big emotions! His spitting, hitting and constant frustration are extreme just now though and is concerning as well as tedious and not much fun. His go-to is to spit/hit/throw - I kicked the ball at the park when I apparently shouldn’t have = he spat at me repeatedly; told he can’t have a second ice-cream = spit on grandparent’s floor, at them etc. He can also do this when appearing perfectly calm and not obviously triggered. He is such a lovely boy and has so many strengths but I’m finding him
very hard to parent just now x

Just interested to know what behaviours he has which go against having ASD?

Reading your two posts I would recommend seeking an assessment. Afterall if he’s not got ASD then he won’t get a diagnosis

thanks 😊

Although the spitting and defiance can feel extreme, he is otherwise pretty typical e.g. his use of non-verbal is great, he seeks out peers to play with and initiates this well, he has a great imagination and involves others in play, he doesn’t stand out at all in groups he goes to re following instructions/interactions, no repetitive behaviours, does manage unplanned change, no fixed interests. He can struggle with some transitions and has a couple of sensory sensitivities but this isn’t a frequent issue.

I feel I just need some new ideas to manage his tricky behaviours - it’s hard to have time to even think about it all. He tends to be this way more with parents and family so wonder if just pushing boundaries in his safest place. I’m trying to use less wordy instructions and stick to clear boundaries but it can be hard 😮‍💨

I’m not trained obviously but I do have one DC with ASD and I’d say that if I was in your shoes I still wouldn’t discount your DS being ND

Did you do the progress checkers further up the thread?

@BunnyRuddington thanks, I’ll definitely keep an eye on things. His trackers were all fine too. I wonder about big emotions and often feeling out of control. If anything, I sometimes wonder about ADHD but then other times he doesn’t seem this way. I’m hoping one day he’ll get past this and it’s all been a phase 🤞