11yo DD is angry at us for being sad about miscarriages

[Stardust127]

Hi,

I have an 11yr old daughter from a previous relationship. My husband and I have an 8 month old and are TTC again as we want the babies close in age. We’ve just had 2 miscarriages back to back and we did end up telling her because we were very upset; she can be sensitive and we didn’t want her to think that we were annoyed or sad because of her.

She is very loved and cared for, we do everything for her and spend quality time with her. Generally speaking my she is lovely when things go her way, but as soon as things aren’t ‘perfect’ she goes off the rails. E.g if she misbehaves and is told off, she has tantrums and shouts, it’s awful. Recently DH and I have been heartbroken because of the miscarriages and she has gotten angry that we are sad and stressed and I have explained to her that we’re stressed because we’ve been through such a traumatic thing and that’s why we’ve been so open with her about it so that she understands. she does understand, but she doesn’t like that we’re sad. I’ve made sure I’ve been as happy as I can around her and continued my best to spend time with her and stuff.

she sees her biological dad just under half the time and since this has been going on she’s been refusing to come home and staying with my mom too, and says she doesn’t want to see us any more. ex DH and I get on very well and we’ve got an amicable court hearing soon just to legalize our arrangements. She has said she’s going to tell the court she doesn’t want to be here any more and basically tell them how ‘awful’ we are and that she wants full custody with her dad. The only reason she wants that is because being there is still all ‘rosy’ for her because he does whatever she wants and she gets her own way constantly. I know this sounds horrible but she can be very manipulative and is very horrible to me. There really is no reason for it either. She can’t tell me when I ask her why.

her dad knows everything that has gone on and he’s finding her behaviour challenging atm too.

i don’t need advice on whether or not we should be trying for another baby soon after having our son, or how having a baby has changed her behaviour because that’s really not the issue. The same goes for the court hearing. It’s her behaviour that’s the worry & what I need advice about.

thank you x

How does she get on with your new partner?

Sounds like this little girl has had a lot on her plate…. New sibling, told about two pregnancies and then that they’d ended, and 50% of time in another house with a different family

I think she's probably feeling she's being replaced, and your sadness is because you can't?

I think this can be a problem for DC of first (previous) relationships and her behaviour indicates maybe this?

She gets on well with my husband. Didn’t want to open this can of worms because I wanted to stick to the issue at hand but just some background - I have extremely controlling and manipulative parents & when I divorced my ex due to emotional abuse & met my now husband they were furious because they couldn’t control me any more (they used my ex as a gateway). My ex and I get on for the sake of our daughter. Im
a peaceful person and hate drama so I want things amicable always.

Anyway, my mom and stepdad made malicious calls to SS about me and sent the police to my house. They wanted to split me and DH up. They didn’t even know him. It never went any further because there was nothing wrong. My daughter adored my DH but they poisoned her against him and in turn me too, and it took a very long time for her to come around from that. When she did, they got on so well and they’ve had a good bond up until all this recent stuff and whenever she gets told off (well within right - she can’t grow up thinking she can do what she wants. She’s starting secondary this year and will need to understand boundaries)

I just really need to know how I go about dealing with this because I feel like I’ve exhausted everything possible

It sounds as though you've all been through a lot.

Is DD getting any therapy and have you? Both got what you've experienced with your "D"Ps and with your MCs?

She’s not but I am looking into it. I had an initial consultation for therapy weeks ago due to the challenges of the mcs but have heard nothing back. I’ve been let down multiple times from mental health services. I had a perinatal psychologist help me throughout my pregnancy due to a traumatic birth with my daughter, and she really let me down in the end towards my birth cancelling my appts again and again . So I don’t have much faith in the system for myself or my daughter

i don’t need advice on whether or not we should be trying for another baby soon after having our son, or how having a baby has changed her behaviour because that’s really not the issue. The same goes for the court hearing. It’s her behaviour that’s the worry & what I need advice about.

I'm really sorry, but I don't think you can separate the two. I know you want to have two children close together, but it doesn't sound like it's working for the whole family, and it has to work for the whole family. Give yourself a break, and her too. It's a lot.

i don’t need advice on whether or not we should be trying for another baby soon after having our son, or how having a baby has changed her behaviour because that’s really not the issue. The same goes for the court hearing. It’s her behaviour that’s the worry & what I need advice about

I've got an older teen girl and I say this kindly, if she's like this at 11 you've got a rocky road ahead. I know how overwhelming wanting a baby can be but at the moment you have to prioritise your relationship with your DD, her MH and your own