My 18-month-old is already outwitting me... help!

[Greywarden]

I'm a first time mum to an 18 month old DD. I lost my own mum a few years ago and don't have any close parent friends or people who are great with advice on this stuff, so I'd be really grateful for some pointers. I've not spent much time around toddlers either.

I have been dreading how to manage toddler behaviour. I used to teach teenagers and I would confidently walk into a room of rowdy 16-year-olds and have a good go at getting them to learn - a mixture of toughness, consistency and warmth / repair; knowing when to confront openly and when to encourage discretely, when to use humour and when to be serious etc

But toddlers? I'm terrified.

Recently my DD was doing something she shouldn't. I told her no in what I thought was a firm voice, then immediately redirected her to something else. 2 mins later she's back doing the same thing as before so I repeat the process once more before closing off access to the room in question completely and moving her away, despite her howls of protest. 5 minutes later I am asking her to lie down on her mat to be changed (which she normally does without complaint). She grins at me, wags her finger in a similar way to how I did when saying no to her earlier, says 'no' in a great imitation of my voice and dashes away, laughing.

This morning I tell her no when she is bashing on the tray of her high chair and say 'if you bash I'll know you're finished with the food'. It's a message I've reinforced consistently for ages - when she starts messing about with the food, throwing it or bashing things, I take it away. This time she keeps on bashing so I take the food away and get her down. She runs around laughing and loudly bashing on everything.

Neither situation was terrible. I don't want to make a big thing of this. But I'm worried that how I respond now will get us into patterns for later, and I felt so pathetic and useless in both of these moments, as though I were being outwitted by my DD. I felt so embarrassed.

My best friend, who doesn't have young kids but works with them, tells me my DD is badly behaved and I need to be firmer with her. Nursery tell me she is lovely but 'boisterous' and can be too rough with other kids.

She is only young, and is hilarious and lovely, but I'm already worrying I'm failing her and am going to fail her as a parent.

Ps I realise my post is ridiculous! I am eye-rolling at myself here!

I think we've all had points like this, you've asked on here for advice which means you're willing to adapt to her new behaviours abundance nearly that's half of the battle.

I'd try and get a copy of Little Angels as it's evidence based. Some Nanny Guru style books are written by Authors who have never had DC and often their methods aren't evidence based.

If Nursery are saying she's boisterous, have they suggested anything?

You’re fine. She’s 18 months. Carry on doing what you’re doing. Redirection, taking things away, saying no. It’s what I do with my 3 yo and always have done. Some kids are just more boisterous than others!

@TinyMouseTheatre thank you for the book recommendation! The nursery suggest reinforcing 'kind hands' at home but nothing else. They don't seem too worried. My friend reckons I need to say 'no' more firmly and frequently, but to my mind I'm already doing that and she just laughes at me half the time 😆

@Sjh15 thanks for this! I feel a lot of pressure to have her 'trained' somehow, as though she should follow my instructions and not do things she isn't supposed to after being told no once or twice. But maybe that's unrealistic? One of my dad's friends was recently bragging to me about how her grandson, a similar age to mine, is 'as good as gold' and always does what he's told etc - she seemed to convey that it is shameful if mine doesn't and a sign that something is wrong.

Lots and lots of praise and eye contact and touch and soft voice for when DD is behaving in a way you find appropriate and a firm 'No' or 'No thank you' when behaviour or actions are inappropriate for you, re direct, no praise or soft voice or cuddle. Reward the good. You need to be quick as soon as the inappropriate stops and focus is on something appropriate back to praise, soft voice etc immediately. Get used to the sound of your own voice and constantly praise and reward good.
I own my own preschool and worked with 2-3 years olds for 17 years and have 4 DC of my own. At this age is seem them very similar to puppies 🙈 food, stimulation, exercise, sleep, praise for good behaviour, don't reward any bad in any way.

You’re doing great! All the right things. Trust your instincts. My 2yo is a little monkey. V similar to how you’ve described your daughter (amazing and cheeky). I have to watch him closely with other kids as he’s very handsy. But he’s starting to listen better now.
Dr Martha Collado is a great one to follow on Insta. She has a book too. Clinical psychologist and mum to two little ones.

You are not failing her. Take note of her learning style, ie copying you etc and use it to your advantage. Obviously bright. Show her what to do and how to do it rather than trying to stop her doing something she shouldn't. Don't panic you will be fine and so will she.

Your post is not ridiculous! I am sure many of us have been there, if not many then definitely you and me both! My eldest was just like that at 18 months. I focused on cuddling him and praising him when he did anything nice. I did say no when I did not like what he was doing, just the same as you are. If I was feeling overwhelmed with him I would look back at the day and count the cuddles versus the no and the balance was always good. He did have a habit though of saying no using all the intonations that I used with him😂. He is grown into a wonderful kind, caring, intelligent, hard working man.
When you spend time with other parents try to observe things they do and say. If there are things they do and say that are kind and result in kind, nice behaviour put them in your memory bank and give it a try with your daughter.
Mainly believe in yourself you sound like a super mum.

I think you can apply some of the same principles that you used with teenagers - firmness and consistency. Remember you're the adult and she's figuring out the boundaries. Keep at it, you will get through it.

Yes, it's very frustrating and completely normal. You are not failing her. Toddlers learn to talk by listening to you and replicating it. So everything you say gets quoted back at you. You are their role model in the most literal sense.
They don't understand/accept the concept that "it's ok for Mummy to talk to me like that but not ok for me to talk to Mummy like that" (unlike teenages at school who know it's the teacher's job to boss them around but they cannot boss the teacher around).
She learns by your example. Try to tailor your responses according to how you'd like her to behave if she was in a similar situation. Sometimes a firm "no" is the right lesson to teach her. For example if she is hitting you or breaking something or in danger (you'd be happy for her to say a firm "no" in those situations too).
You don't want her to get the message that shouting "no" is what people should do every time someone doesn't do what they want them to do, because then she'll do the same.
Your approach of firm instruction, repeat the instruction, then remove from the situation is great and will work eventually if you stay consistent. But where possible (in non dangerous situations) rather than say "no" use short phrases which instruct her what she should do. For example instead of "no, don't shout" say "speak quietly". Telling her what she should do, rather than what she shouldn't, will minimise the defiant reactions that you describe in your post and model the kind of behaviour that you would like to see from her.
Good luck!

Please do not worry, just keep on with the constant reminders, positive reinforcement and discipline. Ignore people who compare negatively other children. For a start some children are naturally compliant and others are more challenging. Also children can be tricky at different ages. My son was really hard work as a toddler, tantrumed a lot and challenged authority constantly. However he was a delightful teenager and was no trouble at all. He still has a strong sense of justice and is able to stand up for himself, but all the hard work parenting at the early years has paid off. Conversely I know someone whose son was such a delightful and easy child who then really struggled as a teen, they hadn’t needed to actively parent earlier so all the building blocks weren’t there already when it got tricky. All children are different, so please don’t worry. Nothing you have said, sounds any different from many other toddlers.

Toddlers are fckn savage!!! Not gonna lie you are in for a ride as 3 and 4 year olds are worse 🙈😂 consistency is key, eventually they will get the hang of it but at the minute there’s no real consequences as they don’t understand them

Toddlers are the worst. When my DS was 2ish he wouldn’t eat his sandwich because he wanted chocolate buttons. This sandwich was on a plate on his small table where he ate as he wouldn’t sit in a high chair at home at that age. I explained that he needed to eat his sandwich and he said no and this went on. Anyway, eventually he walked off and came back with the sandwich in his hand and just as I was exclaiming what a good boy he was for eating the sandwich he walked straight up to me and threw it in my face. We then had another stand-off about him picking it up and how you can’t throw food in anyone’s face (especially mine) You can’t negotiate with them, you sound like you are doing fine, my DS is now 12 and although he has his moments, he is generally well behaved. My best advice I got was to pick your battles but then see them through.

She sounds like a toddler. She is only 18 months. She will not be able to fully understand and she definitely won’t have the impulse control to stop doing these things.

You just have to keep redirecting. If she wants to bash things can you get her toys or pillows or something she can bash?

It also will get worse (lol) as they learn that they actually have some autonomy and way to do what they want.

Mine was the same at this age unless she was physically tired. I used to spend a long time at the park or the beach every day, rain or shine. If she didn't have that outside time she was very challenging!

A massive thank you to everyone.
I feel reassured that this is normal, and also have taken on some helpful ideas from tho thread too. I think I'm good at helping my DD burn up energy outside and generally tiring her out, but not very good at providing structure when we spend a big chunk of time at home, so that gives me something to think about.
It was helpful to have my DD's development and understanding put in perspective. Of course she won't know that imitating my voice is mocking or inappropriate in any way - she is just hearing it and learning by copying. It's as though I've been attributing these 'adult' or 'older child' style motives to her way too soon, and that leads me to feel more upset or frustrated than is proportionate in the situation. Funnily enough I'm used to thinking about the understanding levels of older children and about behaviours as expressions of unmet needs etc but am not applying the same logic to my DD.