i'm worried about how my son acts around other people

[southeastastra]

for example at the park he always rushes straight over to children and literally shouts in their face, he won't politely ask their name or if he can play etc, just barges in.

i can see the other children looking at him slightly oddly then backing away. also notice it on the school playground.

he was shouting at the neighbours yesterday too, i was watching he just won't leave them alone and has no idea how to act socially.

any thoughts? it's worrying me slightly, he is 6

Is his hearing ok?

yes he was referred and went to a specialist although that was a couple of years ago now.

I was recommended a book by another mnetter as my ds has some out of place behaviour and it has worked a treat. It's called the Unwritten rules of Friendship and it's about how to help your child realise that this type of behaviour won't make friends and how to help them. It's about £8 from Amazon. Some kids just don't pick social skills up naturally like others, they just need a bit of help.

thanks avenanap, i found the book, sounds just what i need for him, i was wondering is he has a mild form of aspergers too.

so much to worry about

SEA, DS2 was very similar.

We role-played lots of social situations, because he just didn't pick up that sort of stuff naturally, as avenanap said.

We also invited children round to the house a lot, so DS2 could play in a familiar environment, and I could over-see things if necessary.

he seems so desperate for others to play with but he never gets invited to parties or others houses. just one boy and he's lovely but i think ds just overpowers him. maybe i should speak to his mum, she works at the school and might be able to help.

Would school be able to help with some guided play at breaktimes, to help your DS join in some games with other children?

We asked for this, but sadly the school were not very helpful.

But my friend's son was very well supported in this way at a different school, and is now aged 10 and doing brilliantly.

yes i'll talk to the teacher ,it just breaks my heart to see him rushing over to children and them just backing away. it's put me off taking him out, which is daft i know.

I think the role-play idea is a good one. Little boys of this age often won't take in the details of what you are saying but if he could pretend to be a playing in a park and you could act out different ways of going up to him he might see something that would work better for him.

thanks for the great advice, i'll try some role playing with him and order the book.

In the mean time try some cause and effect with him. If he goes running into a game then it annoys the other children. You can tell him that you had a 'friend' who did this at school, you would watch him play with the other children and you could see that they didn't want to play with him because they didn't like being interupted. Teach him to wait at the side, if the children are playing football and the ball goes out, he should get it for them and give it to them back. They may not ask him to play on that occasion but they will remember that he's helpful for another time. It takes a while to build bridges like this.

Does he have a friend in the class that he can play with? Try not to worry about the aspergers traits, we all have one or two. It sounds as though he's so keen to make friends and have someone to play with that he's a bit over enthusiastic and other children can find this hard to handle. That's why they back off, it's probably too much for them and he's invading their space. It would be a good idea to teach him the signs that people give off when they are getting annoyed (facial expressions, sounds, arms crossed etc) as well as teaching him to just watch what others are doing. Children like this are overbearing, I know my ds was. The book is very good, these are just a few tips to get you started. It can be a slow process whilst the penny drops though so don't expect a magic wand.

that's a really helpful post avenanap. how is your son now?

He's had the odd problem but is like a different child. I took him to visit my parents and my sister and they have all said he was a different child. My mum asked me what I had done with him. He used to run into other childrens games, he was a stickler for the rules and telling others what they should be doing. He found it hard to make friends because of this. He's 95% better now. Children like this don't see how other kids view them, they just see things from their perspective. The book shows them a different way of seeing things. I really do hope it works for your son aswell.

i'm looking forward to reading the book, yes mine is a stickler for the rules too. i watch him and sometimes cringe at the way he behaves with others. (that sounds horrible!)

also with adults he has no fear, or doesn't realise when they're not interested

That's not horrible. I completely understand . There's techniques in the book for this, they have a list of expressions of what people look like when they are bored (as well as annoyed), it encourages a parent to do role play with their child so that they know what they are. My ds is very bright so comes across as obnoxious because his use of language is very good. He's also like a little adult and likes to be treated as one. He used to correct people, even me infront of others, it was so embarassing. He's getting there now though. I've had the odd inappropriate remark though but it's no where near as bad as it has been. I have had to tell him not to be rule know it all in front of other people before, people used to think it was cute and laugh, which encouraged him. Now he's bigger it's seen very differently which is annoying because they were the people who were encouraging him in the first place.

I know he didn't get the playtime rules because he's a very happy and sociable child, he couldn't understand why people didn't want to play with him because he'd play with everyone given the chance. He thought that if he kept asking they would let him play. Once I explained things to him he understood. It's difficult to know what the annoying behaviour is though because the teachers just said that he was annoying the other children. I had to sit and talk to him to find out what it was and even then I'm not sure if he was honest. I used behaviour that I have seen myself. It is a difficult process. The book gives stories of children who have annoyed others or have argued with the teacher and it tells of the effects. I think this can be hard for a child because they need to realise that they are behaving in the same way for the penny to drop. It must be a sad but necessary thing for them to realise that they have no friends because they are annoying.
The book talks about the kid that likes to talk endlessly whether people like to listen or not. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

i have been passed from pilar to post with him avaenanap.

my ds(14) was sort of similar but just fitted in - i don't think this one will so easily

My ds's school were not interested either. They are full of stepford wives with stepford kids (if you know what I mean), ds is quite loud, happy and fun so he sticks out loke a sore thumb. The school have been of no help to him whatsoever. It's been virtually impossible to get info from them about ds's social problems. He's going to a new school in September, I just hope we don't have the same ignorance to deal with.
It does work out though. I'm here for you if you need some support .