How long can a child mask for?

[Mumofmabes]

Hi, can anyone help? how long can a child mask their autism for?? Hours? Days?

I think that's a very difficult question to answer and you're never going to get a proper answer.

Do you have any experience of DC with ASD?

I have several family members that are Autistic other than that no. But I’m am curious to how long a child can mask for before it becomes just choosing to be good for other people and social settings and misbehaving for their parents. How can we possibly tell the difference? As there are a lot of children that ARNT autistic and do this?

I'm honestly not sure what you want you want from this thread?

An answer lol or some more information regarding children’s behaviour. As I struggle to understand what’s the difference between a child being good and behaving themselves in social settings and for other people and then just being naughty at home to “masking”. So if there is a difference I’d like someone to explain

I think you'd have to give much more detail on what you are experiencing if you want any advice that's going to be worthwhile

Well for example a child I know is horrendous at home, kicks and screams when he’s told no or can’t have what he wants. But can be at another family members house for 4/5 days at a time and be good as gold and have no issues. As soon as he’s home he’s VERY naughty and won’t do as he’s told. The mother claims he may be autistic and masking

I think that asking about other peoples DC does come over as judgy.

If they're are struggling though, I'd offer help. Have they asked for a referral for assessment yet?

That doesnt sound like asd. As its not naughtiness.
They do tend to breakdown when coming out of school.
My 9yo i think masks.
She has always been ok at school. But as soon as she is out she will pick at me. Tell me off. Explode from all the issues at school. Get very anxious if im 2 min late
But at school its become crying.
I would say its getting worse with time and more social issues at school.
She doesnt mask for my parents either they see her exploding about the wrong socks.
But she has issues at a few parties, not naughtiness but it becomes too much, its mainly at peoples houses as those parties can be 2-5 hrs etc.

Whereas my eldest also asd behaves in more what seems like naughty way
She
Doesnt geeet or say goodbye to anyone
Will be rude to teachers and argue with them, doesnt care about hierarchy.
isnt interested in most kids.

if school are looking communication and friendship issues would be seen. Walking around alone or a few friends who arecalso ND. Issues compromising working in groups.

i dont really think adhd otoh can be masked. There would be issues at school. Impulsivity. Arguing. mainly on the playground. But i think it can move from 3-5 not wanting to sit and listen to 5+ sitting but more daydreaming or drawing etc.

some autistic kids dont care about what theur friend is doing they wont do an activity they dont really like just because a friend is.

Some asd kids are easier at home as they arent copibg with uncertain school, dealing with noise and other kids.
ive seen some kids who are clearly more adhd pushed into asd diagnosis when they have no communicatio n issu es and are popular. One does have friend issues but actually is just very comtrolling - but not anxiety just wants to be centre or gets annoyed with others easily.

Good grief! My Son has masked his entire life at other people's houses. He's NOT NAUGHTY, he's overwhelmed and holding it all in. When out of the situation and able to relax it all spills out - this could be hyperactive, aggression, behaviour that challenges.

People mask for all sorts of reasons - neurodiversity, anxiety, low mood etc etc..

Best thing you cam do is ask your friend what helps him. My son benefits from - time running around outside (with other kids too), having snacks, having a quiet space from time to time, not staying too long. Then on the way home we stop at a quiet park to help him to regulate again. And then when home a structured plan of what to do - lego and tv combo works well and I give him some space.

Try to come at this with you friend from a supportive stance as this sounds really hard for her. Judging and calling him naughty really isn't helpful and quite offensive.

but could he mask for 4 days solid is what I’m asking? How do we tell the difference between a child that’s just naughty at home for their parents to a child that masks?

Because I think people forget that children can be naughty and spoilt and misbehave these days. There seems to be an excuse and reason for every bit of bad behaviour and I find it hard to understand the difference sometimes. I’m not saying there arnt autistic children because I know there is. But it seems to be every single child these days

Yes they can mask for that length over time.

There's no such thing as naughty behaviour.. all behaviour happens for a reason and a child is reacting to something.

If you don't think your friends child is masking and is there usual self when out of the house, then it will be something at home he is reacting to.

Oh course there is such thing as bad behaviour in children 🤣 this is the problem with the world now. People give excuses for it.
and yes, reacting to being told no they can’t always have what they want, having to share, doing things they don’t want to do. That’s kids for you!! Doesn’t mean their autistic

Autistic kids can be naughty of course! DS went through a phase of tripping other children over when he was around 6 because he loved slap stick. He needed a couple of quite major telling offs to put a stop to it - just explaining that they could really hurt themselves wasn't enough.

No child would get diagnosed though just because they behave badly, He wouldn't have got diagnosed on the basis that he thought it was funny to see people go flying. He got diagnosed because he was extremely literal, had very black and white thinking, had sensory issues etc etc

An autistic child that copes well at a quiet, calm, low demand house with a good routine may not cope well at all in a loud, chaotic, angry house where he sleeps and eats poorly. An autistic child isn't masking the whole time that they're not behaving badly though, DS was generally very well behaved and coped well at school thanks to the structure and routine.

Judging people like you is what's wrong with this world 🤣🤣

Why not try helping your friend if she's struggling!

So, so glad my DFs understand and aren't judgemental twats.

ASD isn't naughtiness and naughtiness isn't ASD. Does the child have a diagnosis? Support in place? Coping strategies? Why do you think their mum is wrong?

I have autistic family members. Some of them can indeed 'hold it together' for multiple days of having to mask in non-neuroaffirming or unsupportive environments. It's horrible for them. Afterwards, they need time to recover. If this is what's happening for your friend's child, there may be ways people can help, eg changing environments to be more supportive, incorporating in more opportunities for time when masking isn't necessary, understanding that there's going to be dysregulation and distress afterwards so creating a safer space for that, etc.

Thank you for this!

this child lacks interest in school but isn’t badly behaved. He can spend 3/4 days away from home and we have no issues going to bed but as soon as he gets home he kicks and screams and will not go to bed then he is up and down all night, where we at my house he goes at 8:30pm and we don’t hear from him till 7am. Like a completely different child.

his mother thinks he is autistic. Myself thinks he is just playing up at home because all the attention isn’t on him because he has brothers and sisters too.

I just struggle with people today as I feel every single child has some sort of learning disability or behaviour issues due to a condition. I think people have forgotten that children are also very clever and can be very naughty

He isn’t diagnosed yet no..

I think she is wrong because of some of the comments he has come out with too, he clearly knows what he’s doing “I can be naughty and still get taken out when I go ….” That to me shows he knows what he’s doing

i can put him to bed at 8:30pm and not hear from him till 7am. At home he kicks and screams and is up and down. He can ask me for something when I’m out and I can say no, and there’s no issues. His mum on the other hand gets screamed at, kicked and pushed

I help her a lot thank you :) hence why I’d like some advice on it all because he is a completely different child here for 4 days.

What's your relationship to the child if you're having him for 4 days at a time, @Mumofmabes ? Grandparent? Co-parent? How often are you actually having him for 4 days?

If there's no diagnosis made, is his mum able to explain why she thinks he's autistic? Does he have social communication difficulties and features of autism across the domains? Do you have experience of autism which enables you to feel more confident in your own assessment than his mum's assessment? (If a parent says a child has a lifelong neurodevelopmental disorder which has significant implications for their future, they tend to have a reason for thinking that)

Complying with the instructions of a 'non-safe' person (by this I mean anyone around whom masking is necessary) is often a sensible thing that a 'high functioning' child can learn to do. Staying in a bedroom quietly when told to do so can, again, be a sensible thing to do, and actually may be an opportunity for an autistic child to hide away from the rest of a stressful environment in which they're having to mask. A child saying “I can be naughty and still get taken out" is not in itself proof of the child having control over their actions or of intentionally acting differently.

There's simply not enough here to say "Yes, this child's autistic" or "No they're not". All you can really take from the information you have is that for some reason the child behaves differently with you (note: not 'better' because while it might seem better for you, if the child is autistic then they're putting themselves through a lot of stress to achieve that and what might be 'better' for them would be a neuroaffirming approach so they don't have to mask for so long).

Rather than judging his mum and criticising her parenting and her judgement, it might be more constructive to suggest to her that the child get a proper assessment of their needs (she could speak with their school/education provider, GP or go privately) which could lead to a clearer picture for everyone of what's going on and how to support the child. It sounds like the child's mum is dealing with a lot, and some support could help but it would need to be the right support and advice. Eg techniques that work for neurotypical children often don't work for neurodiverse children. If she has a neurotypical child and is parenting as though they're autistic, that's not going to be very effective, and if she has an autistic child and parents as though they're neurotypical, that's not going to be effective either.