nearly four year old ds is so angry...any help please

[kjaysmum]

hello, well...my Ds has been getting angry for about a month now. He uses a very angry voice but is not really physical with it (very occasionally we get a thrown thing but no hitting)
He's just changed from three afternoons a week kindergarten to five mornings a week and left his best friend behind at afternoons, so lots of transition.
I have been using time out/emotional distance for a while now to try and deal with non compliant behaviour, following a technique by Dianne Levy of ask, tell, act(where he goes to his room until he's ready to comply) it seems to work for a while but needs to be repeated every so often.
I've discussed the angry voices/attitude with him, he apologises and says he doesn't know why he gets so angry.
Should I be ignoring this behaviour so he's not getting a reaction, or discussing it or what.
Any advice would be very welcomed, thanks...

Give him a break. Let him be angry for a while. He has had a lot of change over which he had no power, that will have made him a bit scared and also angry.

I think using an angry voice is fine if that is how he feels. The fact that he is not being physical is a great thing and should be praised, some children would be hitting and more physivally agressive which would need more dealing with.

He needs to know it is OK to be angry and that he can always talk to you about it.

ok thanks Lazycow, a break for him it is then, sometimes it's tricky as in his anger he tries to stop me speaking, mind you I guess I do go on a bit sometimes

Oh it can be difficult but if he is trying to stop you speaking I'd say, 'well it looks like you are too angry to listen right now so let me know when you can listen' and I'd walk away for a while.

When he is calmer I'd finish what I was saying and then I'd also talk a little bit about how it feels to be so angry and that sometimes it is can be hard to speak or listen when we feel like that and that the best thing to do then is to take a break until we calm down.

That way he is beginning to learn strategies for calming himself.

Easier said than done though I know and sometimes when we are in a hurry pretty much impossible but when you can it is worth being as calm as possible when he is angry.

I think it's really important to acknowledge his anger. It's a really valid and important emotion and needs to come out and not stay in. I think as parents we often see children showing their anger as them being "naughty". Lots of the adult clients I work with in psychotherapy have done lots of things to repress their anger and are experiencing probelms because of it. As children they were told and shown that anger was bad, and struggle to express it as adults.

Is there any way you can help him express his anger by:

1. Naming it when he gets angry "Are you feeling angry now ?",

1. Showing him how to be angry in a positive way . " Go on have a really good shout, cry, let it all out"

1. Acknowledge when you feel angry " Mummy is feeling angry today " to normalise it.

Hope this helps ! DS2 is almost 4 and has lots of fire in his belly. I find it really helps to do the above and we often end up laughing !!

good tools laidback, thanks. so I was told when I was growing up that I had my grandmothers temper and I had to learn to control it, I think I may have been in danger of perpetuating this approach, so what I'm looking for is to show him ways to calm himself without making him feel it's wrong to be angry, is that it?
I've been pretty stressy this week so he's probably picked some of it up off me...it's really hard to stay calm when your being yelled at, but I'm so determined to find a way to help him with this...maybe we need to learn together..deep breaths then..

Deep breaths are really good too....when DS2 gets cross I get him to "smell the flowers and blow out the candles " i.e. breath in and blow out. Someone gave this tip ages ago on mumsnet - and I tend to use it if DS2 has got himself into a state of angry crying.

We actually do yoga together, you would hardly believe it the states he's been in this week. I think he must be exhausted which makes me exhausted and so on...It just seems so sad somehow to see him like this, I think I just get a bit too emotional really

Sounds like you are emotionally aware of your son and that is great !!

thanks for the advice, must go to bed as I'm in NZ and it's late here, my Dp is away for a few days (another issue for poor old Ds) I have to take ds to his football practice tomorrow..not much a footballer me so should be intersting bye bye

DD1 - also 4 - has started to get very angry. She makes an angry noise (which is what I do and then gets upset. We have explained that it is ok to be angry but not to be rude, or ok to be angry but not to snatch toy etc.

She was getting upset because she couldnt undertstand why she felt so engraged and then couldnt do anything with that fire. Now we talk about how she is angry but that it will pass and she will calm down and things will seem better.

She really seems to have taken it in. I always say I am not cross/angry with her for being angry as that is ok, but what is NOT ok is to shout at someone, be rude etc. Seems to work.

yes that's a good point Funky, I will use that, so your allowing her to express herself without condoning the rude behaviour.

I have been following your advice all, sometimes it seems I can't see the wood for trees...but since I started letting Ds express his anger and being as calm as possible I have really started to identify my own anger and frustration at his behaviour, goodness don't we learn a lot from our children, thankyou so much for the advice, it's helped us loads (smile)

Its amazing isnt it. Until you start focussing on how they behave you often dont see it in yourself. I sometimes notice DD1 being stroppy bwith DD2, go to tell her off and then realise I did the same an hour before