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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DD2 aged 8 has little book she writes in and a 3 letter word was mentioned. What do I do?

18 replies

jogym · 08/05/2008 10:31

My DD2 aged 8 has a tiny little book that she calls a diary. She has been writing about her day in it. Well last week she said don't be looking in my secret diary now mummy. Yesterday it was sitting on her bed and I'm afraid I flicked through it expecting to read silly little things she writes. WELL I'm afraid the word sex was mentioned in it and snog as in I am going to snog Jack' and I want to have sex with Jack' who is a boy in her class who I have heard her talk about as in he's my boyfriend' all innocent. Where did she get this from - well school obviously but what do I do? When she came home from school I said I hope you're not writing about boys in your book' in a jokey way. She said did you read it mummy' I said no was just wondering' but she didn't seem that bothered and she does just have it lying about her room. She obviously doesn't understand what she has wrote but has just wrote what she has heard. Should I just leave it?

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fryalot · 08/05/2008 10:34

just leave it. Tis perfectly natural for a little girl that age to be wondering about snogging and sex (no, I don't know where they hear it from either )

A friend's little girl once told me not to tell her mummy, but she had had sex with her boyfriend when he stayed the last time.

She said that they went upstairs to her bedroom, they took all their clothes off (well, except their knickers and vests because that would have been dirty) and they had a special cuddle and that's sex, isn't it?

I didn't quite know what to say through my giggles, but as far as I know, I didn't traumatize the poor girl, or encourage her to go out and actually have sex with the first boy that came along.

Mercy · 08/05/2008 10:42

I've got a completely opposite view to Squonk!

I would mention it tbh and explain that sex is what grown ups do (although you don't have to mention that you read her diary, just try to initate a conversation)

janinlondon · 08/05/2008 10:46

My DD is 8 and certainly knows what sex is. As do most of the other kids in her class I think. At 6 I had heard of kids saying they wanted to "sex someone up", which shows a pretty clear failure to comprehend, but at 8 I think sex is a very much more real concept. If you don't want to have an actual "do you know what sex is" talk, can you try to prod her knowledge a bit?

janinlondon · 08/05/2008 10:46

Oh Mercy - we are at one - sorry - crossposted there!

ingles2 · 08/05/2008 10:48

I agree with Squonk and leave it.... Have you had a sex talk yet? I did a basic chat wth my ds's (7+8) last week, was surprised 1 thought babies came out of your bottom, the other out of your belly button!

S1ur · 08/05/2008 10:50

I would leave it and stop reading her diary, tsk tsk.

If you are generally concerned that your dd is unsure about sex or about what is appropriate behaviour with others then tackle that. But I personally wouldn't necessarily take that from what she has written.

Have a chat about stuff that might come up. Kissing, touching, exploring, masturbation. Casually though, no need to wade on in there with a Serious Face. Keep it light and breezy.

Or just leave it. and stop reading her diary

billybass · 08/05/2008 10:51

Yeah I think I would want to know what she thinks sex is..I wouldn't mention the diary either.

S1ur · 08/05/2008 10:52

BTW imo 8 is more than old enough to know the basics of sex and masturbation and relationships and reproduction.

But then I may be a lone voice there.

marmadukescarlet · 08/05/2008 11:08

Perhaps my DD is particularly naive but I would not want an 8.5 yr old girl who genuinely believes in faries and Father Christmas to know about masturbation.

Childhood is short enough already.

Original poster

jogym · 08/05/2008 11:25

We have never spoken to DD about anything to do with sex. I think she's too young. She might have heard it mentioned from t.v but I would imagine she knows nothing absolutely about what it actually is. I would be quite scared if she did. I think if it was mentioned at school that's fine but I imagine would she not want to know what it was. I don't believe she would ask unless I mentioned it. She knows about babies and how they're born as I know we watched a film once and there was a birth scene! but not how babies are made. I am curious to know though if asked what she would say but I don't know how I would bring it up. She would know then I had seen it in her book!!

OP posts:

Anna8888 · 08/05/2008 11:34

marmadukescarlet - but how do you prevent a little girl from masturbating? My niece and a friend's daughter were both whipping their own nappies off to play with their clitorises by 18 months. My daughter (3.6) has only just discovered hers but apart from asking her whether it felt good to touch it (she said yes, with a big smile ) we haven't discussed it at all.

marmadukescarlet · 08/05/2008 11:41

I wouldn't stop her masturbating, well perhaps in public.

There is nothing wrong (and everything right) with exploring your body at your own pace - be that 18 months or 8 years.

No one should dictate when the appropriate age for learning about the genuine mechanics of sex must be, each child is individual.

I am happy for DD to learn about where and how babies arrive and sex in the context of a caring adult relationship. But will not be going into great details about how to masturbate either personally or mutually just yet.

KarenThirl · 08/05/2008 11:51

I highly recommend Let's Talk About Sex by Robie H Harris. There are other books by him on the same theme, very easy to read through with a child, clear but gentle explanations, lovely illustrations. My 9 yo is really enjoying our chats while we're reading this book.

VictorianSqualor · 08/05/2008 11:59

DD is seven and I didn't think she had a clue about sex until yesterday when she told me the cats outside were doing 'you know what' to make babies.
I (rather wrongly of me) laughed and asked what 'you know what' was and was told it was a special cuddle (cue lots of blushing and 'you know mum!!') that males and female do to make babies.
I'll admit I didn't push her any further, because although she knows about everything physically to do with periods and pregnancy and childbirth I'm not sure I'm quite ready to explin the penis entering the vagina!

S1ur · 08/05/2008 13:36

Well I certainly wasn't intending my post to dictate anything (hence the imo).

However, I also think that masturbation or exploring and fiddling to make yourself feel good if you prefer, is compatible with innocence and belief in fairies. When I posted that I thought 8 was old enough to know the basics of lots of physical things that is because at this age and earlier most children will have explore their own bodies and possibly their friends and may have encountered pregnant women and babies.

All these things will have aroused curiousity and IMO presents a good opportunity to mention a couple of things in a relaxed and light way. Particularly in the case of preparing a child to say no effectively and politely to mates who want to fiddle when you don't.

ALso, just to back to the dictate comment (which may not have been directed at me at all! ). Of course if you choose to do nothing, then you advocate responsibility to school, at which point the education authority will dictate when and what your child learns. For me, personally, this is one of those areas that I'm keen that my children's knowledge comes first from me, then in partnership with the school.

marmadukescarlet · 08/05/2008 14:27

Slur, no not really meant at you - more compusory school sex education.

IMHO parents should not leave it to teachers to talk about sex. But that is mainly (was my day) about the mechanics. Not about mutual respect, love and pleasure - I think it is very important to teach sex ed in context of this.

We currently have 3 pregnant rabbits and regularly stay on farms where the chickens and ducks are free to roam and behave as nature intended - so she has been witness to a fair amount of animal action.

So it is not as if we have never discussed how babies happen, but as she is very young for her age we are keeping the language fairly simple. Other 8 yr olds would need far more technical information I'm sure.

She was only 4 when her brother was born and never once asked how he'd come about, which part of my body he had emerged from - she was more bother that he wasn't a sister!

janinlondon · 08/05/2008 16:47

I think I was prompted to cover the topic when the school nurse told me there are three girls already menstruating in year 5 (so 10 years old). Which was a bit of a wake up call.

cory · 08/05/2008 17:19

Not at all unusual, Janinlondon. I had to do quickstart on this one, as dd had bleedings at age 8 which I thought might be early onset puberty. And she did enter puberty at 10.

We'd seen so many nature films by the time she was 8 that she certainly had a good idea of the mechanics- not to mention that the tropical fish are always at it (some of those livebearers are remarkably well endowed).

I'm very happy for the school to do sex education, but given how much I talk- on any topic!- it would be unlikely that any child of mine could go to Year Six without learning about such a fascinating subject.

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