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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My 10yo dd is having trouble with her best friend and I feel like sooooo protective!

14 replies

cruisemum1 · 07/05/2008 22:10

dd has had the same best friend (hereinafter referred to as BF) since age 7. She idolises her and they get on brilliantly - always giggling, playing together etc. Recently though, BF has been testing the waters with other friends and dd is devastated . I know this is part of growing up but dd gets soooo teary and upset about it. I feel like punching the BF (irrational I know! ) and telling dd that she is not worth peeing on . Things are OK at present but BF has gone off again and dd is being so brave - telling me about it and that she doesn't mind (which I know she does). How can I get her through this. I love her so much!

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Original poster

cruisemum1 · 07/05/2008 22:10

at OP...."like so protective" it was a typo honest

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triflenorks · 07/05/2008 22:15

you have to encourage her to expand her circle of friends, after all in 2 yrs time they will be in high school. swimming, dancing, gym, majorettes, guides, after school club anything, but she has to do this otherwise she will be so upset.

Original poster

cruisemum1 · 07/05/2008 22:17

i always tell her to put herself about a bit iyswim, and I think she does. Plus she already has lots of out of school pursuits - gym, guides, Brit School but BF is her most treasured friend and it is horrid to see her so sad. I was really peed off when BF's dad referred to her, jokingly, as a stalker .

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triflenorks · 07/05/2008 22:19

you have a problem cruise, I would be beside myself with WOrry About the stalker comment, if he can say that to you, then he has said it to his dd. The other family might be actively encouraging their dd to separate from yours.

Original poster

cruisemum1 · 08/05/2008 07:28

triflenorks - he made teh stalker comment to my dd! She called her BF up and he said she was out at swimming, dd replied, "oh she asked me to call, I thought she was going swimming tomorrow." Then he made the stalker comment. i am convinced that they have said something to BF. Prob is she is the girl in the year who is the best at everything, talented at sports, fastest, pretty (not prettiest - that's dd ), you name it she has it etc. And dd adores her! I feel so upset about it but am trying not to make a deal of it for dd's sake.

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shabster · 08/05/2008 07:41

I think this is a normal part of growing up.

My DS1 (now 26) always wanted just one friend. He didn't like big groups of mates. We had the same situation with him at this age. He was quite shy and always worried what people thought about him. We always reassured him and told him that he would change so much over the coming years.

Now he has his own house, a wonderful partner, his first baby on the way....and, guess what, I have just checked on his FB and it says he has over 100 friends He now adores going out with a big group of mates. A couple of years ago he went on holiday with 10 friends and really enjoyed himself.

I wouldn't place a lot of importance on the stalker bit - she will change just like my DS did. Loads of cuddles and focusing on good stuff. Good luck it is a challenging situation at the moment but I really believe it is NORMAL.

themildmanneredjanitor · 08/05/2008 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shabster · 08/05/2008 07:57

janitor - some folk speak before they think, and some dont even think at all!!

hippipotami · 08/05/2008 08:04

Maybe the BF is getting upset at not being able to 'spread her wings' and mix with other children without your dd always being around?
I can see why your dd is getting upset, but it is not healthy to be so dependent on one friend is it?
My dd has a BF, they have been BF's since they were two (they are now both 5)
BF's mum and I have always, and will always encourage the girls to have other friends too. So that if the girls fall out, they both have other friends to fall back on.

I agree that BF's father's stalker comment was bang out of order. But how do you know that their dd is not crying at night saying 'I just want to play with X without Y (your dd) hovering around'?
And whilst that shows astonishing insensitivity towards your dd, bear in mind they are only 10. Friendships are still fluid at this stage. They change all the time, it is natural.

I can see why you are upset, and in your place I would be too, but the best way to deal with it would be to get your dd to make other friends of her own.

merryforge · 08/05/2008 08:23

I feel for you - this happened at various times to both my DDs and to me also. I can still remember when a new girl came to the school and my BF was taken with her from the start and dropped me. I was in agonies for over a year - my former BF would occasionally graciously 'come back' to me for a while when she fell out with her new pal but it never lasted and made me feel terrible all over again when I came to school and found them whispering cosily together and knew I was 'out' again.

My salvation came when a new girl came to the school and I nabbed her at once for 'mine' and all of a sudden I couldn't care less about old BF and her little 'games'.

Honestly, that's all you can do - hope and encourage your DD to make other friends. My mother tried desperately hard to win my BF back for me - even taking her out wit us to expensive meals we couldn't afford in the hope of firming up the friendship again, but none of it worked - BF would come along and be polite, then sidle off straight back to the other girl at school (and laugh at me and my mum.)

At this age it's probably not that your DD must have this BF, she just needs A BF and it may change several times yet. My DD1 had the same friend from age 4 till 10 and they were practically married, it seemed, but they still drifted apart in the last year of primary.

Can you perhaps spot another suitable girl (or several by turn) and plan some nice thing for your DD to invite her to to get the ball rolling?

I feel for you and your DD so much! It brings it all back to me. But she will get over it as soon as she finds another nice girl to giggle and play with.

ajandjjmum · 08/05/2008 08:39

My dd is nearly 15, and we have had this sort of situation over the years.

Like you, I used to worry bigtime, especially because I probably put too more store on dd's side of the story .

We are now reaching the stage where she has a number of close friends, some who she plays tennis with, others from her class or netball team. I am continually trying to drum into her that as you mature you have a group of friends, rather than one bf, and that seems to be working out for her.

I do feel for you.

It was this sort of situation that first introduced me to mumsnet!

Original poster

cruisemum1 · 08/05/2008 08:52

thank you all for your posts. dd has other friends and is involved in out of school activities. We do invite other friends to play etc. in fact I make a point of it! It jsut seems that dd will play with others but only when BF decides to go off with someone else. I know it will pass - in fact their school is closing in July and they are all splitting up. it is just so sad to see her upset this close to the end of their current school life iyswim.

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Original poster

cruisemum1 · 08/05/2008 08:53

mildmanneredjanitor - my thoughts exactly

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triflenorks · 08/05/2008 14:00

cruise, as callous as it seems it is probably good that with the school closing they are made to go their own way. she will be a yr older and more understandin that its nice to have loads of friends.

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