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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Sad mummy has her DS at home today, as he's too scared of going to school incase he gets angry and hurts someone.

24 replies

LynetteScavo · 07/05/2008 11:49

complex but true.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

yorkishbirdy · 07/05/2008 11:51

oh your poor ds (and you) that sounds so difficult. What can be done to help him through this?

FromGirders · 07/05/2008 11:53

Don't really know your situation, but ((hugs)) nonetheless. Are you getting any support to deal with this?

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 07/05/2008 11:55

Hopefully the anger management course he's on will help.

He's decided we should go out in the sun.....so I'll be back later...

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GooseyLoosey · 07/05/2008 11:56

How hard for you both. How old is he?

yorkishbirdy · 07/05/2008 11:57

Enjoy the sun and the extra moments with your ds, sounds like you must have been through the ringer a bit. Hope it all works out soon for you both.

KarenThirl · 07/05/2008 12:42

We went through this too, LS, it was a very difficult period for ds. How supportive is your school generally? I was desperate to get help for J and even used the angle of it being for the protection of other children, but his needs still went largely unmet. I really think you'll need to work on this yourself, tbh. There's a limit to how much mainstream school can (or are prepared to) do for very angry children.

Will send you more info later. Keep your pecker up.

Quattrocento · 07/05/2008 12:54

I don't know the background to this but I am sorry for you and your DS and hope things improve soon

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 07/05/2008 18:26

I know I'll have to sort this out myself , Karen, and many, nmany thanks for your help.

I'm so scared we're going back to school refusal...which is where we were this time last year. DS has so much potential, he's a bright lad....I can see him not reaching his potential because he can't cope in a school environment.

Combined with DD's tantrums (very tired 2 yo), it's just been too much today. DH was greeted with a sobbing wife when he came home.

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cornsilk · 07/05/2008 18:30

Oh no Lynette. Read your threads on school refusal last year as my ds is school refuser as well. Last time I spoke to you about it on here your ds had changed schools and was doing really well. What's happened?

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 07/05/2008 18:39

I'm not sure what's happened...He does like the school. The staff and head are excellent. He's just had a couple of occasions where he's lost his temper...threatened to throw a chair acroos the classroom....looked like he was going to punch a member of staff who was breaking up a fight (not started my DS)...and he's been excluded a couple of times, as the staff are (quite understandably) not confident he wouldn't actually do any harm.

The exclusions are killing me. I'm in a "How can I have a Ds who is excluded?" mentality... although his teacher quite rightly points out, it's not about me, but about him.

I just can't go though school refusal again. Today I'm wishing I didn't love him, and didn't care, as then I wouldn't be going through this anguish.

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Going2bAccredited · 07/05/2008 19:10

My DS was in yr2 and I was always being called in to discuss his behaviour (biting, temper). Again excellent teachers, but I had to get help. Had a meeting with the Head and asked for an IEP(Individual Education Plan).

He then saw the Educational Phycologist, Speech Threapist, Clinical Phychiatrist. All came back that he was intellegent, articulate, and non-diagnosable - it was thought he was Aspergers. The Clinical Phyc said it was probably speech delay that contributed to his lack development of friendships and that he is a very young boy, ie July baby, about 6 month behind his peers in maturity.

When he went into Yr3 last Sept it was like he was a changed child. Only one instance of biting in the last 12 months. They have allowed him space to calm down (he was never violent just shouted and screamed when people wouldn't listen to him.

Since Easter he has seen the school counsoller about Anger Management - loves the sessions, which have helped him in class team work, always prefered to do things on his own.

Also DH and I are going on a Parenting course to help us be more consistant in our approach. (I'm to soft and DH to hard so we end up arguing which in term wasn't good for DS).

With the right help things do get better.

cosima · 07/05/2008 19:13

Have you tried music therapy or movement therapy, also I work in a referral unit with excluded students, and many of them are lovely and thrive in a small environment and many go on to very sucessful education and work

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 07/05/2008 19:20

Thanks Going2bAccredited... Ds has seen the school psychologist (and one privately) both have basically ruled out Aspergers. I'd say he's so mild he won't get a diagnosis,and I'm OK with that...he is diagnosed as bing extreamy anxious, though. (no shit)

I think I've abused him today... I was crying during tea, and said he didn't know what I'd given up for him (unplanned pregnancy),Oh I feel such a cow... can't believe I said that... although he doesn't know what I meant, he got the general idea.

Shit.

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cornsilk · 07/05/2008 20:02

Don't feel bad on yourself Lynette. It's so hard and there's so little help. I felt awful this morning as ds has been refusing to go to school all week and I was really stressed and got cross with him. It's draining emotionally to deal with it day in, day out.

UniversallyChallenged · 07/05/2008 20:19

Feeling for you LS - being a parent is no barrell of laughs sometimes is it

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 07/05/2008 20:26

Cornsilk... it is draining. What do your DS's school make of his school refusal? I told the school I wanted today marked as an unorthorised absence.

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cornsilk · 07/05/2008 23:16

School haven't really said anything, though it's been going on for nearly 2 years now. Some days he's on time, some days we manage about 9.30ish, a few really bad days of about 10/11ish - thankfully not too many of them. Why do you want it marked as an unauthorised absence?

margoandjerry · 08/05/2008 10:04

oh you poor love. You haven't abused him. You said something to yourself really and he won't have understood. What you have said is that you love him and you want to help him - that's the main thing.

He's lucky to have a mummy who wants to help him through this.

I have no experience but it sounds like lots of others on here have and I hope you can take heart from their stories.

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 08/05/2008 12:40

Thanks margoand jerry. I'm feeling much better today.

Ds went into school happily (phew!)

I wanted his absence recorded as unorthorised as he wasnt' in school for the mojority of the summer term last year,....I would get him to the door kicking and screaming and then he would run off. The school marked him down as present or a medical absence, and I just felt the problem wasn't being acknowledged. DH and I were desperate for help...but there just wasn't any.

I really feel for you cornsilk. Do you have other children? I do worry about the affect the situation has had on DS2 and DD.

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cornsilk · 08/05/2008 19:08

Glad you had a good day.
Yes I have a younger ds but we usually manage to work it so that he gets in on time.

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 08/05/2008 21:37

Cornsilk - do you know of any other sites which can help with school refusal? When I google, I only come up with home ed' sites, which seemes to be the final answer for most people facing this problem.

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cornsilk · 08/05/2008 23:33

There must be others like us. It's shocking that there's no help. Have not found any websites. Found one book in the library written by a woman whose child was a refuser, which stresses that school have got to take some responsisbility for the situation. Home ed would be a disaster for my ds. He would become a hermit.

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 09/05/2008 17:39

Is your DS Ok once he's in school, cornkilk?

DS decided to leave school by himself today. He's 9, and we only live 1/2 mile away, so he was fine (if hot and bothered). I've known since he was a toddler, it was only a matter of time before I found him on the door step.

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cornsilk · 09/05/2008 17:45

He's more or less okay once he's got his uniform on generally, it all seems to be linked to that. He does find some aspects of school difficult - doesn't like going out of class for support work for instance.
Did your ds leave during the school day? My ds would leave school if he wasn't happy I'm pretty certain.

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