HELP Out of control behaviour 4 year old.

[13MAPARTHELL]

My son is 4 in March.
We have always really struggled with him.
He can be really lovely, kind and sweet but he also has such a bossy, hardened, aggressive side, it is certainly jarring and at times, unpredictable and I just cannot understand it sometimes, I have to admit people will say I am 'soft' but I really have not found an effective way, as he literally just cannot control or regulate, as far as I am aware but at the same time, when he wants something, he can be an angel. The issues are

1. Any form of 'no', I have tried to change how I communicate but he is smart and it does not work, he knows I am still ultimately saying no to what he wants, he will go absolutely mental and throw anything he see's, he will be violent to me as well, if I carry him to his room he will bite my shoulders and punch me - and then smash his room up

1. He has the urge to break EVERYTHING, even he's most loved toys, he will break for fun it seems as well as in anger sometimes, understanding that he can no longer use it, but just not caring at the time, we almost did not get a thing for Christmas because we have absolutely had enough, and we shouldn't have because it has happened, for example - sticker books, things we have got to calm him, he will rip the stitching out, bite it apart and rip pages out.

1. Hitting brother

This has always been the worst issue, it is so bad, his brother is 2, and every time I look away he will actually punch him in the face, brother could be just standing watching the TV minding his own business. My youngest get incredibly upset, and It breaks my heart, he also purposefully screams in his face at random relaxing times to scare him, and basically he bullies him. For example, brother has just got a big boy bed, we were all in his brothers room and my 4 year old was eating bread and chewed it up and literally spat several times all over his bed, he does things like this constantly, he steals food from him, he is just generally horrible to him

1. He speaks to his brother, like he is his dad, he gives him orders, tells him off but in a really horrible way, we are constantly reminding him that this is not for him to do, but for mum and dad and he will just tell me off for saying that, he thinks he really is the man of the house

I honestly just cant do it anymore, my patience has grown so incredibly thin, that I am just starting to lose it with him, I have started shouting, and losing my temper, as we are talking almost 2 years of this. Like what can I do to reign in this massive personality aries bossy child!?

I need to take back control

All of this sounds incredibly hard to deal with. If he's almost 4, does he go to Amy kind of childcare and what have they said about his behaviour?

To help to manage his behaviour I'd look at using the techniques in The Explosive Child and treating him as though he has PDA even if he's never been assessed for it. If it does turn out that he's Neurodiverse then most of the regular disciple techniques employed by Baby & Child Gurus simply won't work.

I'd also do this simple 3.5 year progress checker for speech and language. He might struggle with communication and it might not be entirely obvious.

And is there some way that you can protect DS2? Could he have sone of the room sectioned off maybe?

Is he jealous of his brother?
This sounds incredibly difficult to deal with. Maybe worthwhile talking to your GP or phn for some support

@113MAPARTHELL hi I'm a step gran of a 6 yr old boy exact same we have only been in his life since last January I started a NVR course on Thursday to learn how to deal with him as we truly need it have a look online om sure you'll find something about it and hopefully it helps

Have you thought about looking into getting some children's restraint and break away training so you can physically hold him safely and securely while he is having violent outbursts, to prevent him from causing you, your son or himself harm or causing 'property damage' (trashing his things)?
Because of how little he is, you and your husband will be able to hold him with ease when using the proper techniques.

My little boy used to do things that sound like your son. I was at a loss. I hated authoritarian fear based punishment, but had no strong alternative, so just dithered ineffectively. Then I returned to work in a children's home and had to do training (with an exam) on how to safely hold children. So I felt confident enough to stop extreme behaviour at home too, although I wouldn't follow the specific children's home protocols. Only the safety aspects of the hold techniques.

I would pick my son up, carry him to his bedroom and barricade both of us in there with my back against his bedroom door. He would try and hit me, kick me, bite me, scream in my face to let him out, etc... but obviously he is tiny so couldn't move me. I spoke to him calmly (whilst blocking attacks!) and said we will not be leaving until you are calm, I'm here when you want a cuddle, but I will not let you hurt me. If he tried, I would do a children's hold on him. He didn't like it, but I wouldn't hold him for long, I'd let him go after about 10 seconds. In children's homes, you do not let go until you are absolutely certain they are calm, but they are usually much bigger children and harder to re-restrain. If my son tried to attack me again, I put him straight back into the hold. I kept trying to give him alternative ways to exert force, such as throwing soft toys as high as he could in the air or pushing against my hands, and I tried to turn it into a game to start bringing him down. Sometimes that worked, sometimes not. I would always ask him to come for a cuddle and I would never let us out until he was calm, we had hugged it out, given apologies (if necessary), talked about what had happened, and what I expected of him moving forwards. This was our routine at home (or occasionally even at other people's houses!) if he started doing anything aggressive or destructive during a meltdown.

That behaviour is 99% gone now, I haven't done the bedroom barricade for months! Maybe it would have gone anyway, but I believe being able to handle those situations with a calm consistency protected our relationship overall.